guilty feelings

heart · Newbie Joined: 21 Apr 2005 Posts: 4

Long story short - when I was 17 said I would wait for boyfriend to get out of service, he was in 2 years of which 1-1/2 never saw. In that time I went with two guys and knew them quite well. Boyfriend came home, got married a year later. My husband now of 30 years still does not trust me and doesn't seem to "let go" of this issue. I never told him until about 5 years ago at his insistence. I never told him as I didn't want to hurt him or lose him. But now it seems I can't be close to him. He also seems to drown his hurts in alcohol. Doesn't drink to drunkeness, but I feel it is too much and hurts him emotionally and physically, besides shutting me out. I still feel guilty for not telling him. How do I forgive myself? How does he forgive me which I don't think he ever has. He doesn't have that "look" in his eyes anymore when he looks at me. I just wish I had that closeness that married people can have and don't ever feel it will be mine! He won't even think of counseling, and I have been to a few but they tell me I should move on. That is NOT what I want!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2051 Location: Chicago

Do I understand this is something that happened 30 years ago?? Sometimes it is really hard to forgive yourself for things in the past. I know the Evil One is very good at the guilt thing because it ties us up in knots to not believe that Christ has forgiven us many times over if we have asked for His forgiveness. When things of the past resurface for me, I go to God and ask him to take this guilt away and cover me with his love and forgiveness.

Why won't your husband go to a counselor? Is this something you and your husband can pray about together? Do you have solid Christian friends you could go to to discuss this with?

Honestly, it sounds like there might be deeper issues of intimacy and trust (and alcohol) than just this issue. The willingness to seek help when you are at an impass in your marriage is a strength not a weakness. Perhaps going to an Al-Anon meeting would be of assistance to you. Your husband is the only one who can put a bottle to his mouth. I need to tell you that his drinking is not your fault - not even one tiny little bit. Will he consider going to an AA meeting?

I know often when I have been in the midst of difficulty with my husband throughout our marriage, the disconnect has come because one or both of us has lost our connection with God. One or both of us has become hard-hearted toward the other and has chosen a path of selfishness.

I have prayed for you and your husband today that peace will cover you, that guilt will be removed and that healing and oneness in your marriage will occur again.

Please let us know how things are going. Maybe the time has come to take the advice of the two counselors you have previously met with. Letting go can mean handing it over to God.

heart · Newbie Joined: 21 Apr 2005 Posts: 4

I KNOW I am forgiven, by God, but not my husband. I want his look back instead of that disappointed one. But - I needed to know I wasn't on the wrong track thinking that this has been too long to hang on to. Last night I told him to more to drink (he had had two already) and that he needed to cut back. Well, I could tell right then and there he was mad at me and decided to go outside and work in the barn. I thought about what you said that there might be other underlying issues and I honestly can't figure out what they would be. I have seen a pattern of when he doesn't drink he seems to "find" stuff to do outside or somehwere else - which leads me to think he avoids me. Our communication, needless to say, isn't that good. When I have tried to initiate a good, personal conversation it gets completely messed up and I feel like I've done something wrong. I know I have my faults and not perfect (none of us are) and ask God to please show them to me so I can work on them. I also ask God to soften my husband's heart as I know I can't change him. My decision is to do things without him if I have to. I have gone on family vacations for years with my kids (my side of family) for years without him. I need to nurture my life and ask him along, but if not it's his loss, right? I just wish it wasn't such a lonely prospect to look at. I don't want a divorce, I still want him around believe it or not! I had my issues when I was growing up and out of house (no boundaries all of a sudden and away of home - YIKES!) But I feel I've grown up and saw the light - he needs to and I resent it that he hasn't. We do go to church - have for years and I feel a closeness to God that no one else can fill. We really don't have church friends. Guess I just want reassurance that I can be my own person and be married, that maybe down the line it could get better, but in the meantime I'm not abandoning him, that I'm not crazy for thinking enough is enough of the "guilt trip" that I perceive to be coming from him. He would probably say it wasn't - but then why do I feel it!? He wouldn't consider AA - he doesn't have a problem! Sorry to ramble.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2051 Location: Chicago

Heart -
There is so much going on here underneath what you are writing. I'm having a really difficult time dissecting all of this, but let me see if I can summarize what I believe you may be saying about your marriage.

- You believe your huband has a drinking problem - if he is having two or more drinks every night, that is a very real possiblity.
- No communication
- Desire for something different for your marriage
- No physical intimacy
- Feelings of being alone
- God needs to change your husband's heart
- Avoidance
- Blame
- Disconnect
- Family vacations without a husband/father present
- No church friends/bible group with more mature Christians - no accountability for personal growth with God or the marriage.

These may be the underlying issues you have been unable to figure out.
Having a desire to work through all of this is an excellent place to start. I would suggest re-engaging with a Christian counselor on your own and pray that your husband will join you.

1) Why won't your husband go to a counselor?
2) What does he think of the state of your marriage?
3) Do you pray together as a couple?
4) Has there every been a moment in either of your lives where you have handed everything over to Christ, asking him to be the leader of your life and the forgiver of your sins?

heart · Newbie Joined: 21 Apr 2005 Posts: 4

Thanks for your prayers and help. My gosh - read my posts and I sound completely lost in my thoughts! I read your list and you are getting all those right. I think one missing that I realized this morning is that I might have anger issues - ones that I have not wanted to address as they may cause me to change. I am a nonconfrontational sort of person and don't know how to open up communication. In church on Sunday I reaffirmed in my mind that with God nothing is impossible and there is hope. Sundays are so GOOD! I must insert that I am probably starting or going through menopause so I definitely don't want to take any drastic actions as I'm not sure it's me or hormones! Doctoring IS in progress.

I did look up through this web site Christian counselor web sites. I'm not sure why my husband won't go other than my thoughts are that he thinks we don't have a problem, or it is me, and that he is a very private person. I wouldn't be comfortable talking to anyone in church or pastor as it is a small rural community. I would be comfortable asking our pastor for a referral tho.

I listen to Christian radio a lot, so those programs and music keep me more focused.

We pray as a couple before meals only. I tried when our kids were small to have a short bible lesson but that had no support. I don't blame him, I probably didn't feel as comfortable with it either as neither of us had grown up with family prayer time and study. Both of us have Christian families tho.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2051 Location: Chicago

Ok - well, I will ask these questions of you again and I want you to really search at a deeper level for an answer. Because, I really want to challenge you out of your comfort zone.

1) Why won't your husband go to a counselor - have you asked him?
2) What does he think of the state of your marriage?
3) How are you and he connecting with God on a daily basis - other than grace at meals?
4) Has there every been a moment in either of your lives where you have handed everything over to Christ, asking him to be the leader of your life and the forgiver of your sins? Because your family may be Christians, does not mean it flows downhill to you. Each person must make a commitment to God as their own decision.

A marriage cannot move forward and heal and become what you desire without a God connection.

1) How do you think you and your husband could achieve that?
2) How about telling your husband you are going back to counseling for yourself. Sometimes when our husband's see a desire for us to change, they are willing to follow. Also, if we chose a male counselor they will have a greater comfort level and not feel like they are being ganged up on by their wife and a woman counselor.
3) What about your husband's desire to drink?
4) What about attending an Al-Anon meeting?

I am probably about your age and have been married for 29 years this June. I am more in love with my husband and still very attracted to him sexually. He is my best friend and confidant. He loves God with all his heart and I know I can trust him in all aspects of our life together.

So, where do you go from here? What can you do to make this marriage the one your heart desires?? You take the first step and maybe your husband will folllow.

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