charity1
Full Member
Joined: 07 Jan 2008
Posts: 226
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 Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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soulpurpose,
It is not selfish to want a loving relationship with your wife in all areas. My first suggestion is to have a heart-to-heart talk about what you both actually "feel" and think. Something my husband and I learned in a marriage class is that our own truth is not necessarily based on fact. You can only know what is actually going on in your spouse's head if you ask. We shouldn't assume we know. My husband and I did that for 30 years. Once the affair happened, we both opened up and there were several misconceptions on both our parts. Don't be afraid to open up and express your "feelings" and ask her about hers. Determine beforehand that there won't be any accusations. Say "I feel" and then express how you actually "feel" about a certain topic, such as your physical relationship. If you "feel" like she is afraid of being disappointed and unfulfilled with you, ask her if that is the case. If you "feel" like a total failure, tell her that and tell her why you feel that way, and see what she says. It's crazy, the person we should be the most open and honest with is the very person that we are the most closed toward. Our spouse's approval means so much to us, that we are afraid to open up for fear of their rejection. It's very hard to be vulnerable. That's why another person can waltz into our marriage and be so easy for our spouse to talk to. There are no fears involved because there is no deep emotional connection.
Secondly, I heard something early on in my recovery that changed my heart and my actions. I was reminded that we are only accountable for our own actions, not our spouse's. On the day of judgment, I will be answering for the things I did, good or bad, not how my husband responded to those things. How I treat my husband shouldn't be based on how he treats me. I think it is human nature that if we do good but don't receive good in return, we just quit trying. I have found that if I give without expecting in return, I am much happier and much more content. If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed, but the good news is, normally the more kind and caring we are, the more kind and caring the other person is toward us if we are consistent and don't quit trying. We should have an unconditional, sacrificial love like Christ's for us.
Thirdly, after betrayal it is very easy to get down on yourself and feel like you have failed or that you were responsible in some way, but you weren't. No matter what you did or didn't do, it didn't justify an affair. Having said that, whenever you two are together tell yourself that she belongs to you. God gave her to you, and you are the only one who has ever or will ever have a right to her as long as you are both living and vice versa. Think of her as God's gift to you. Cherish her. The other person doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It was never really about the other person. The problem lies in the fact that your wife didn't open up and express her needs and desires to you, and maybe you didn't to her either. That needs to change for the relationship to change. Your spouse should be your best friend. No matter how scary it is to open up and talk, it has to be done for there to be true intimacy emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have recommended this book numerous times on this forum, but "His Needs Her Needs" is an awesome book that really helped my husband and me. I'm praying for you. |
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