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rdsmith3
Full Member
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 274
Location: NJ
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 Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 6:36 am Post subject: |
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Webacus
People have great passions about brands of motorcycles. Some of my best friends ride Harleys, but they are not for me. 
However, I want to suggest a realistic expectation. You should definitely take a Motorcycle Safety Foundation (MSF) course to learn the right way to start riding. Then, you should practice riding solo before you take your wife with you. There are a lot of things to think of when you first start out. It is easy to make mistakes. You don't want to risk the safety of the woman you cherish. For example, let's say you are going around a downhill curve on an unfamiliar road. All of a sudden there is an unexpected stop sign, or an animal runs across the road. If you panic and don't stop the right way, you could end up on your side. I am not trying to discourage you -- I am just saying learn to crawl before you walk. Because I took up riding in my 40's, I have a greater appreciation for the learning steps that an 18 year old might not think about. Enjoy! |
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lisap
Newbie
Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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| All of you make it sound like it might be fun, however, I am definitely not a thrill seeker. I am truly afraid of them. Almost phobia afraid! The problem is he keeps pushing me to ride. He is making it worse be continuing to pressure me to go with him. I just wish I could convince him that it is not the end of the world if I never get on it. He's pretty persistent though. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1862
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2007 6:02 am Post subject: |
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Because it is something he enjoys so much - he wants to share it with you.
He wants you with him. He wants to connect with you.
Is it worth the wedge it is causing?
If it truly is a phobia - consider getting some help for it.
It may make all the difference in your marriage and connection with your husband.
Putting your foot down and digging in your heals -
As Dr. Phil says, "How's that working for you? |
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rdsmith3
Full Member
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 274
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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lisap
Of course, don't get on if he has had even one drink.
Other than that, I think that Sam gives some good advice. |
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lisap
Newbie
Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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As far as I'm concerned, he is the one driving the wedge. He has known since he and I have been married (11 years) that I wouldn't ride a motorcycle. So, he bought this one behind my back. Expensive Harley-Davidson at that. I am still trying to get my nerve up though. In fact, today he spent all day on his motorcycle, without me. I am really trying to get up the nerve to ride with him. I had made up my mind that if I could convince myself that he was a safe rider, that I would go with him. Guess what. He gets on it 30 minutes later to go to the convenience store with flip flops and shorts having had a few drinks. He is also very unsafe driving his other vehicle. Always fiddling with a cell phone, lap top, etc, while driving. So, I told him when he returned from the store that I was afraid to ride with him because he seemed unsafe. Now he is mad at me and I am up while he is in the bed alone, asleep.
I can't win.......
Should I have just not said anything? I have a real hard time keeping my mouth shut when I feel like something needs to be said. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1862
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 6:52 am Post subject: |
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He was definitely not in the right to go out and buy something so expensive without discussing it with you first.. I would be upset with my husband also. Large purchase decisions should be done together in the future. That's an agreement you need to negotiate on the dollar amount.
Ok, so that makes you right - you're the winner. But, at this point, there is an attitude choice ... I can continue to hold it over his head and be angry with him, or... I can work on letting it go. This way it doesn't become a continuing argument and issue between us that creates separation in our marriage.
Delivery is everthing...
How about trying this?
- Honey I want to do things with you that are fun and we can both enjoy
- You know I am deathly afraid of the motorcycle
- To get on it with you, I need to feel very safe and secure
- I am very concerned for your safety when I see you in shorts and flip flops on the bike after a few drinks. That does not make me feel safe.
- What can we do to compromise? I miss not being with you.
Where does being right help your marriage? Where does holding your ground and digging in your heals help your marriage? Where does refusing to spend time with your husband help your marriage? It's defintely not working right now.
With the beautiful weather we had yesterday and again today... I would be on the bike too. |
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jesuslovesyou
Junior Member
Joined: 24 Apr 2006
Posts: 36
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 11:17 am Post subject: |
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| Don't make your husband or people on this site make you feel like you are hurting your marriage because you don't want to ride a motorcycle with your husband. Yes, you both need to find something fun to do together, but why are you the one who has to give in to something you really don't like. No, I don't like motorcycles - probably because I worked on too many personal injury cases where the victims were doing everything right, but ended up dead or seriously injured for life. That isn't even going into the ones that did foolish things like not wearing a helmet or riding when they had a drink... and then expecting insurance companies or others to give them money for life. No, you don't want to go overboard and transfer your fear to not letting your husband enjoy it, but you both need to talk about it. Then you need to find something fun to do together. Does he want to ride in the desert? Then how about a rail (dune buggy) instead? Is it the travel? You can communicate better in a car and still have a fun road trip... |
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greenwidow
Full Member
Joined: 14 Aug 2006
Posts: 112
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 1:03 pm Post subject: You stand here and I will stand there |
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Marriage is about common ground. If you have a passion, it may not necessarily be shared by your spouse with much or any enthusiasm.
| Quote: | | Yes, you both need to find something fun to do together, but why are you the one who has to give in to something you really don't like. |
The simple answer is Love Is..."It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." (1 Corinthians 13:5)
To show Love to your spouse you must give 100 percent and so must they. When you or your spouse start thinking, why must I give in, you focus on yourself and you start keeping record.
Let's take motorcycles out of the picture and say that the wife is interested in something like quilting. Her husband puts his foot down and says I am NOT going to go to the quilt show with her. She is constantly wanting me to do things that she likes to do. She spends all her time at the sewing machine and hanging out with her quilting buddies. I don't want to go the quilt show and spend Saturday afternoon with her, doing that, now if she would just do what I want, we could be happy.
The wife has made an offer to spend time with her husband and share something that she really enjoys with him. She likes being with her quilting buddies, but she really wants her husband to understand what she likes about this hobby that takes up a great deal of her free time. If he were to take the time with his wife, he might not love quilting, but he might understand her better. In addition, by not putting a foot down, he shows his love for her. He can say the next time, I have done that with you, but to tell you the truth, it just isn't something that I enjoy. I love spending time with you and I would really like us to find something we can enjoy together. He could even go as far as suggesting something that he is really interested in that she hasn't explored.
For the life of me I really don't get the same rise out of the wood shop that my husband does, but I have spent enough time there with him, to make him feel comfortable about talking to me about it. I even held my tongue when he cut his thumb off and I had to run him 20 miles to the nearest emergency room for them to reattach it. (1 Corinthians 13:7 love...It always protects)
It has been my experience, with the men in my life, husband, parents, grandparents, brother, and friends, that men like to do active, sometimes sweaty, sometimes dangerous things, and sometimes they like to do them implulsively. The women I know are more likely to analyze every angle before doing anything. My husband has often accused me of not knowing how to have fun, but in reality, I spend so much time analyzing the cost, impact, time spent and other aspects of any situation, that I talk myself out of something, before I do it.
When we go on vacation, I pull up all the activity schedules for where ever we are going and mull them all over. I consider what I like, what he likes, what we can afford, what we have time for and I am satisfied that I have all the information I need. (My primary need is satisfied.) I no longer show the options to my husband ahead of arriving, because he needs to believe that whatever we do is spontaneous. I present three or four options that I can live with and that I know he would love. I also usually throw in one that he can reject without ever thinking. (The Quilt Museum) In our case I think about what I need from the situation, but it isn't primary. The primary goal is a family or couple, building time. My husband gets the option to pick the things he likes the most, but he also looks at the list and figures what I would like the most. (Yes, I am pretty sure he knows about my researching, but we choose not to talk about it.)
Last year he surprised me with a really short trip on which he did all the planning. He spent time thinking about what I needed and made all the arrangements, because he believes I have spent so much time doing what he wanted over the years. It was perfect. |
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rdsmith3
Full Member
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 274
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 1:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm, that quilting sounds dangerous. Have you ever stuck yourself with a needle?
I would like to recommend another C. J. Mahaney book Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know . It has some great ideas for the husband to surprise his wife. |
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greenwidow
Full Member
Joined: 14 Aug 2006
Posts: 112
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:11 pm Post subject: Dangerous Needles |
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rdsmith,
Okay...if we are going to throw the dangers of motorcycle vs quilting into the mix. Well...actually yes...quilting does have its perils. :D
My youngest was watching me with the longarm the other day and I came within a centimeter or two of my hand. She told me to watch it...or I would sew through my hand like I did with the other machine...late one night. There are pins in the carpet which like to find feet and I can't forget the time my husband sat on the sewing scissors. Good thing he's padded there. A student of mine once ran a rotary cutter across my hand while I was teaching her to hold the ruler and her grip slipped. A butterfly bandage did it up wonderfully, but it was a painful reminder to never hold the nail while someone else drives the hammer.
My husband actually went to the quilt show...where he found lots of women who:
A: Admired him for taking an interest and carrying the bags.
B: Had lots of projects that required a woodworker, like quilt racks.
C: Wanted to feed him cookies, chocolate, and soft drinks for being such a good sport. (Hey guys, there are treats at the quilt show!)
I also once found a needlepoint under the passenger side of the family car that wasn't mine. I was a little suspicious, but thought I would give my husband the benefit of the doubt in not jumping to the conclusion that he was having an affair with a world class needle artist. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he had tried needlepoint himeself so he could figure how it held my attention. He didn't like the experience or the finished project, so he abandoned it in the vehicle, so that I would never know. He forgot to remove it. His grandfather had been really good at needlepoint, so I guess that made it easier for the football playing, wrestling, and hunting grandson to take a walk on the softer side.
BTW: Love to deliver the quilts on the Harley after I am done. My daughters and I are on a mission to throw perceptions to the wind. The book can't be read by viewing the cover.
Don't Worry
Luke 12: 22-26
22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? |
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rdsmith3
Full Member
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 274
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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| I got rear-ended while on my motorcycle once in stop and go traffic, and did not get a scratch or bruise. I live and ride frequently in northern NJ, the most densely populated state in the whole country, in the greater NYC metro area, with lots of people who learned to drive later in life (or never) and it seems safer than quilting! (just kidding) |
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ALJ
Newbie
Joined: 08 Oct 2007
Posts: 2
Location: Jacksonville
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| Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 5:29 am Post subject: |
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Hello group,
Wow what a great thread, I'm new to this site. It was recommended to my wife and I by our small group leaders. A snap shot of "me" before I comment. It was March of this year that I finally "got real" with Christ and allowed him to began pealing the layers of the world off and take off the masks of my past that I had used to cover my pain and wounds.
I totally agree with all the comments about the importance of taking the riding course both male and female. After 30 years of riding I found myself having to take the class due to this state (Florida) not accepting my endoursment from another state, so off to riding class I went. The best thing I ever did, I realized as did the instructors that I had developed some "bad" habits during my years of riding. Oh and yes I passed the class.
My wife has always rode up and I like her there very much, however 3 weeks ago she called me at work and said she was at --- of all places the Harley Shop "looking", I was excited and scared all at the same time. She has never even set in the front saddle of any bike. What we found out while looking for my class was that the RiderEdge group here had an all female class with female instructors. So she signed up and I found myself in the garage that evening standing straddle the front tire of my Roadking holding the front of the bike while she sat in the front saddle for the first time grinning like she did when we first met. Next came the weekend for her in class, aced everything all the way up to the practical riding test where (and I know now was God sent) she dropped her head for a split second during the curving part of the course and ran outside the markers, needless to say the instructor did not pass her. I had that nudge in my spirit saying "she'll be fine" we just need to start her on a trainer bike. She had been looking at a bike that looked "pretty" but was too much bike for her. We found her a 250 Suzuki, small, light street bike that fit's her perfect for now.
My passion is riding, her was not until she started looking and took the class. Her passion is water sking which we do ever other Saturday when we're not riding with our club, which by the way has just started doing "church" rides a couple of weeks ago. Amazing what God does with a willing vessel.
I've tried all the guy stuff hobbies and some I liked very much, but there's nothing like chasing the wind. There are alot of Christian bike clubs that welcome new riders and actually walk the talk too. Sorry for being so long winded and thanks for whom ever started this site.
Ride safe but ride :D
ALJ |
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