Free Will - My Marriage: God's will or my will

Jyntle · Newbie Joined: 17 Feb 2003 Posts: 5

My husband and I lived together for about 8 yrs before getting married. We have been married for 2 1/2yrs. 2 years before we married, he was unfaithful and I left him. He eventually ended the relationship and asked me to give him another chance. Shortly, thereafter he asked me to marry him. 3 months after our wedding, I discovered he had re-kindled the relationship with this woman. I moved out of our home and he moved in with her. I filed for divorce and 2 wks before our divorce was to be finalized he asked me to take him back. He wanted marriage counseling. I agreed to counseling and we eventually united. Just when I thought things were going fine with us. I discovered yet again that he had entered an affair again with this same woman. I left him again. This past Fall, he asked me to not divorce him. He said he had problems and and had made some positive changes in his life - and I did see the good changes. He asked me to work with him on healing our marriage. As hard as it was to let him back into my life, I did it. I reconciled with him. Well, two weeks ago, I caught him again in an affair with this same woman. I cried uncontrollably on my mother's shoulders. Not because I caught him again committing adultry (not that I haven't cried about that lots of times), but because I must really have low self-esteem to have forgiven him so many times and excuse his behavior. He has asked me to reconcile again with him, stating that he made a terrible mistake. For the first time, I finally realized that he never really has ended the now 5 year, on/off affair, with this woman, who knows he is married and is fine with that. On Valentine's Day, I told him that I could no longer do this. I told him that he had to end it with her and I wanted to see him do it or he would finally be ending our marriage. He claimed that he had, but of course I didn't believe him. I haven't spoken to him since that day. I am a Christian and I know what the bible says about marriage. I love my husband and I have tried to be a good wife in everyway possible. I have prayed and prayed and asked God to intervene in my marriage and heal our union. I have asked for God's will to be done in my marriage. My good friend told me that God's will is being done and that I'm using my own free will to deviate from what God has planned for me. My Mom who is a Christian, told me that my husband will never change and that all of my praying and asking God to intervene and scripture reading was not going to change him. So now, I find myself wondering if I really was deviating from the will of God and pursuing my own free will. And, I'm not quite sure I understand the "free will" concept. I would appreciate any thoughts, comments that anyone has. Thank you.

Janine · Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2003 7:57 am Post subject:

Welcom to the boards, sweetie.

I will come back with my thoughts on "free will" (and I have wondered about it quite a bit, as you are) later today, Lord willing.

For now, let me say that you have not exhibited poor self esteem by forgiveness. Would you say Jesus has poor self esteem? 'Course not. It's just that He esteems the will of the Father and the help of the Spirit and the needs of you & me, more than He worries about what HE wants.

You may even yet be able to have a marriage with this man. I won't limit what God can do in your situation by saying "never". But, you MUST MUST MUST get clear of pressure and do what it takes to stop helping him to sin.

How are you helping him to sin? By letting him have his cake and eat it, too! Go ahead and develop your self and your relationship with God. Getting a divorce, on paper, won't be a bad thing either, if that's what is necessary to put some structure on your relationship with your husband. He apparently needs some structure from somewhere! It wouldn't be destroying the marriage if you did divorce, is what I'm saying, IMO, because what marriage covenant has he left for you to destroy?

But, also, there is no law that says you must divorce him because he's twisted and ruined and burned up and stomped on your marriage relationship. You're grown up, and you know God hates divorce...

This whole mess is a toughie, and you absolutely need time in the Bible and time in prayer and good advice from people who show the good "fruit" in their lives that you want to develop in your own.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Your husband has a habit and established pattern. A pattern which includes you taking him back.

Change the Pattern.

He must change his pattern first, without you "enabling" him to maintain and keep his old one. Prayer works, but you must wait for confirmation that your prayers where actually answered at this point in time. If we pray and assume that we got what we wanted, and then go out an act on the assumption our prayers were answered; we are living dangerously.

God will not make the changes for you, He will not change your husband, unless there is a sincere desire to change, and a request from him to do so. Which by your story doesn't seem to indicate he is really ready to stop just yet. What and where is your husband's faith in Jesus Christ?

Also it appears that you are the one who is feeling the pain and saddness from these affairs, as he can continue on with his game plans. He must prove and establish is sole love for you by several months of actions, not promises; before kids become part of the equation.

Another point to ponder, forgiveness doesn't mean an approval to do it again.

Alithia · Newbie Joined: 16 Feb 2003 Posts: 5

To address the "Free Will" question . . . First of all, you desire to know the will of God and walk in that for your life. That’s a good thing. Many people get so tangled in figuring their lives out they miss all the wonderful things God has for them. I think the key to knowing the will of God is to pursue Christ. That should be our goal and focus in every moment of our lives. If we follow after Christ wholeheartedly, everything that God has for us will come as we draw closer to Him. We should never pursue these things, but just pursue Him.

How do you pursue Christ? Spending time with Him is the key. Developing an intimate relationship with Him through prayer, reading the Word, fellowship with other believers, ect... The idea behind prayer and Bible reading is not to change your husband, but to change you. Let your relationship with God be the source of everything else in your life, especially your marriage. Let God show you how He desires you to handle this situation. Don't look back on what you have done to this point. Bring your life into right relationship with Christ, and then move forward in Him.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

If we follow after Christ wholeheartedly, everything that God has for us will come as we draw closer to Him. We should never pursue these things, but just pursue Him.

B-I-N-G-O

So many people search for God's special and unique purpose for them. They have it backwards; our purpose is to be like Christ, there is only one purpose.

Janine · Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2003 1:28 pm Post subject:

Hey, Alithia, welcome!

I heard the same thing from a preacher on the radio this morning... that we need to quit worrying so much about all the specific things God wants us to do in our lives, all the specific things we expect from Him, and focus on serving Him in our daily walk after Jesus.

If we just do the next right thing, God will take care of the great big things. And if we just do the next right thing, we won't get all hung up on "our rights", either.

Wynne · Full Member Joined: 03 Dec 2002 Posts: 109 Location: USA

Once again, dear ones, we might use Our Blessed Lord Jesus as model.

He seemed to always be searching out the next right thing to do. Sometimes that right thing was to temporarily abandon His clear mission from the Father, "to seek and to save that which was lost", for a time of prayer apart from the daily world.

Sometimes the right thing was to go to a dinner party with "questionable" people! :O

We pray, we act when it seems best and we wait when it seems best, praying without ceasing the while.

Perhaps the focus is not always to be "only Thy will be done and never my will"; at times we ought to pray, "Father, make my will yours!" And, while we await a clear answer, we simply do the most right thing next in line to be done... even if the most right thing is to stand still and wait for God.

Alithia · Newbie Joined: 16 Feb 2003 Posts: 5

I'm just a newbie, so I don't want to stray too far off the original post, but... Very Happy

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "Temporarily abandon His clear mission from the Father"? Christ spent time with the Father in prayer and fellowship to enable Him to carry out His mission to seek and save the lost. He came to do the will of the Father, and to be about the Father's business. He came to bring life more abundantly, and He came to seek and save the lost. He never once took His eyes off His mission, even at the cross.

Far too many times I have followed what I thought was the next right thing to do. I'd rather abide in Him. I'd rather seek Him in times of prayer and wait to hear that still small voice that brings clarity and direction.

Situations like Jyntle's are very difficult to know what decision to make. We have no ability in ourselves to make those decisions. We must hear from Him. We must seek Him and receive from Him that Life that will change us and lead us into His will.

Wynne · Full Member Joined: 03 Dec 2002 Posts: 109 Location: USA

Precisely!

Sometimes we have no clear mandate from the Father about what to do next. We wait.

Even the Blessed Jesus waited and prayed sometimes.

Jyntle · Newbie Joined: 17 Feb 2003 Posts: 5

Thank you all so very much for the insightful thoughts and comments. Janine I pondered your comment. My husband has continuously broken our covenant. And, Davep your right. It is a habit and I have enabled him. We do have a child together, which is what makes this whole situation and even moreso heartwrenching struggle for me.

My husband says he believes in God, but that is it. It has troubled me over the years that he does not rely on the Lord and practice his faith. I have frequently tried to encourage him to seek Jesus in all that he does. But, he does not. I have heard people talk about couples being unevenly yoked. So I guess you could say that is what my husband and I are. I try to tell him about the goodness of the Lord, but he doesn't have faith. This is not to be judgemental of him because I realize that I need to depend on Jesus moreso in my life and I do feel and know that I am growing in my christian journey and it feels good. I have tried to share that with my husband but he has not been receptive. I saw my husband last Thursday. He begged me not to take his family from him and just really said a lot of things that I wanted to hear (But he has done this before). He promised to end it with this woman. He agreed that he would call her, with me present to see him do it, and tell her that it was really finally over. He asked me to go away with him for the weekend and I did. However before I would enter into any outings with him I told him he had to call this woman and end it. Hesitantly, he called her and told her that he was sorry and that he was going to be with me, that he wanted his family. Then he hung up. He was upset and then he went for a walk. Shortly after he left, this woman called him and I answered the phone. She asked me if she could please speak with my husband and I just hung the phone up and unplugged it. When I initially posted my situation last week. I thought that this - my husband ending it with her so I could see it and believe it was over, would make me feel better and believe him and begin to trust him. Well, it didn't. I felt bad that this woman would probably be hurt. And I'm not quite sure why I felt bad about it because she knows that we are married and she is fine with being in an adulterous relationship, but never the less I didn't feel good. And even moreso, I felt disgusted that my husband had a girlfriend and humiliated that I watched him struggle with deciding to end that relationship. The weekend getaway was not a getaway and I did not feel right. I realized that I still didn't trust him. And to make situations worse, he was supposed to complete an errand today, but did not. Instead he disappeared for the day. While at work today, it became even more evident, more profound that I need to let my husband go. He resurfaced this evening with an excuse for not fufilling the errand and I could tell that he was not being truthful. I just don't trust him anymore and it is sheer agony trying to trust him. I have become such an insecure woman and I feel ashamed. I told him that it was over. He did not have an reaction. I know God does not want people to divorce, but I also know that he does not want me to endure the debilitating pain and suffering that I have been living in for five years. For a while now I have been feeling that I need to run, but I've been afraid to do it. Honestly, I don't think my husband will change right now. I do believe change is possible, but just as Davep stated, it is painfully obvious to me, that he is not ready for a change and I know that he has to have a sincere desire in his heart to do so and ask God forgiveness and I just don't see that happening. Last week I contacted a lawyer and scheduled an appointment for this week. I am going to divorce my husband. Although ending my marriage is not what I want and I am hurting that I must do this, I do feel some relief because the pain will stop and our child will not have to see this dysfunctional, unstable relationship and think that it is the norm. Agian, thank you everyone for your wisdom. Alithia, thank you for explaining free will, and Wynne my prayer will now include me asking our Father to make my will His Will. Thank you all and God Bless.

webacus · Posted: Tue Feb 25, 2003 7:57 am Post subject:

Jyntle

Check out this article.

This is an interview with Lee Strobel about his book, Surviving a Spritual Mismatch in Marriage. I highly recommend the book.

Wynne · Full Member Joined: 03 Dec 2002 Posts: 109 Location: USA

None of us enjoys contemplating divorce, dear, and perhaps Our Blessed One may yet accomplish a great work of forgiveness, redemption and new life for your marriage.

Yet, it is clear that you would better serve your husband by ceasing all actions that support his abusive cycle of infidelity.

IMO you need a space of your own in which to think and pray. Your husband needs the space and time to decide who he will honor a marriage covenant with, and if he has multiple partners in intimacy, who will rear your child if you should succumb to a fatal disease your spouse brings home to your marriage bed?

Jyntle · Newbie Joined: 17 Feb 2003 Posts: 5

Thank you webacus. I read the article and found it insightful. For years I have prayed that my husband would give his life to God. I am familiar with the scripture that states a wife can win her husband over to the Lord by her actions and I hoped this would occur in my particular situation. However, as the gentlemen stated in the article and as Davep said earlier to my situation, my husband must want and sincerely desire to seek God and live a life of integrity. Unfortuantley, my husband does not have this desire. As stated in I Corinthians 7:13-15 "And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your childen unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace." I am going to let my husand depart and I will seek the Lord's peace in my life.

I met my husband when I was in college. I did not realize then, just how important it is to date someone and especially marry someone who shares the same values and belief system in order not to be unevenly yoked. It is a lesson learned the hard way.

Thank you Wynne. I appreciate your comments. Thank you all and God Bless.

Janine · Posted: Fri Feb 28, 2003 9:15 am Post subject:

Hey, Jyntle, keep us posted, OK?

It's hard to know just how to pray over this. What's the best outcome? What do we wish would happen? All these questions!

Well, for now, I'll pray for your pain to decrease, your love to increase, your husband to turn to God for answers, and God's will to be done. We can't go wrong with those requests, can we?

Jyntle · Newbie Joined: 17 Feb 2003 Posts: 5

Janine,

Thank you. I am most grateful and I will certainely keep everyone posted.

Smile

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