Forgiving=forgetting?

RBrownTN · Junior Member Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 44

>>my story here<<

As you can read from my story above, there has been an affair in my marriage. While I have forgiven my wife and we've gotten past it for the most part, I've been struggling with forgetting as we work on re-establishing trust again.

I specifically read in 1 Corinthians 13:1-6

webacus · Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 11:01 am Post subject:

Hey There

Have you seen these articles?

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/topics/15.php

I don't think forgetting is humanly possible.
You may have indeed forgiven your wife, but
forgetting... that can be a huge hurdle.

You are on track with prayer-- and we will pray for you.

The Rosbergs have a book that covers forgiveness:
Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage

Excerpt from one of our Marriage Minutes

What Forgiveness is Not: Six Myths
• When I forgive, I must also forget
• The hurt is too great; it is impossible for me to forgive
• I don't feel like forgiving, so my forgiveness can't be genuine
• I can't forgive until my spouse asks for it
• In order to forgive, I must pretend that nothing happened
• I must forgive right away, or it doesn't count

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2131 Location: Chicago

I have prayed for you and your marriage this morning.

Don' kick yourself over the forgetting part. From other friends who have been through this process, it's a really hard thing to do. A very dear friend said she could only deal with this moment by moment. There were/are times when minute by minute is not even possible.

We're not designed exactly like God due to our ability to sin. So, I don't believe we are designed to forget sin like he does. Doesn't mean we can't try, it's just a bit harder and the process takes longer. I can't imagine your pain, as I've never been in this place in my marriage but my husband and I have mentored couples, including our daughter who have been through the pain of this type of betrayal.

You're on the right track with lifting this up to God on a daily basis or a minute by minute basis as you need to. Nothing like the Evil One to bring these thoughts forward into our mind when we don't want them there. It still is an ongoing battle against him to save your marriage and make it healthy and whole again.

I love your heart, but the healing process is so different for everyone under these circumstances. I just pray that it does not turn into bitterness. It it really important to be careful and not throw these thoughts up into your wife's face. I believe it is OK to share with her that your mind is troubling you and the forgetting part has not been an easy step but you continue to work on it.

There are two wonderful books out there that I highly recommend -
"Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder and "Every Heart Restored" by Stephen Arterburn. The second book is written for women about sexual sin in their man, but there are so many wonderful concepts that apply to your struggles that I still believe it would be worth the read. Both books have sections that deal with the journey toward forgiving and forgetting. Sometimes when the forgiving process has taken place too quickly to make the pain go away, the forgetting process gets sidetracked.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2131 Location: Chicago

One more recommendation - Stephen Arterburn has also written a book called "Healing is a Choice" and there is a workbook that goes with it.

I've not personally picked this one up to read yet, but everything else he has written I have loved. It might be worth looking into.

momto4 · Newbie Joined: 23 Jan 2006 Posts: 3

I can relate to your situation. It has been over a year since my husband's affair occurred. It was very short lived, but the pain is still the same no matter how long it lasts. I know first hand how hard the forgetting can be. Things will be going very well, and then something will be said or something will come up that brings the pain of what happened rushing back again. It does get easier to deal with, but I agree with SAM that we will not be able to forget completely. I do think that with God's help though, the chore of forgiving will not seem as though it is a chore when we turn it over to Him.

forhispurpose · Newbie Joined: 01 Aug 2005 Posts: 13 Location: Florida

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me is what comes to mind. I also wanted to point out that I have been in a similiar situation and one of the things that separates the survivors of infedility from the divorce receipents is "Not throwing it up in the person's face everytime you get a chance".

Not keeping record, does not mean to pretend the pain is not there or you have forgotten, it means that you will restrain your flesh from adding insult to injury in order to make yourself feel better or transfer hurt. That phrase misery loves company is oh so true.

Be encourage my brother because you have made a choice that is pleasing unto the Lord and that is to stay married and work through the issues. His blessings will be upon you.

cjbaldw · Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 3:19 pm Post subject:

I wrote the below listed text between START QUOTE and END QUOTE back in 2003, but thought it might be appropriate here. In addition, here's a link link about forgiveness that I bookmarked that is handy IMHO:

http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public/%5C@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_034947.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Affairs&sssct=Other%20Things%20to%20Consider

I would submit to you that to "keep no record of wrongs" is not correctly interpreted as simply "forgetting". The Lord does say, about Himself, that he "will remember our sins no more" in Hebrews, however we must remember that this is only in the context of true repentance. Our same Lord also clearly states that He keeps a record of ALL wrongs committed against Him for which He will judge others. The key is repentance. With that in mind:

START QUOTE

Forgiveness requires only ONE person. It is a willful act of one person to choose to forgive the debt of another. It does not in any way require the person in question. This is a good thing, because sometimes situations arise where we literally do not have the ability to interact with the person in question, whether due to death, distance, or many other reasons. If it required both people, we'd all be in big trouble. We forgive for the health of our own heart, to eliminate any possibility of unforgiveness creating bitterness and resentment, or a hard heartedness, within us.

There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness requires only one person, reconciliation requires two. Reconciliation is the willful choice to seek restoration of the relationship at hand. It is the choice to restore intimacy within marriage.

I've found that the issue of trust is oftentimes used as a weapon when it comes to the choice not to reconcile, especially within a marriage. Trust is not an either or all or nothing proposition. I see spouses all of the time say "You don't trust me!", demanding unconditional trust when they have gaping holes in certain areas of their marriage that quite frankly don't deserve trust until proven otherwise. The Apostle Paul wrote to look for "fruit in keeping with repentance." Repentance literally means "a turning away". It means we turn away from our old sinful ways and forge new Godly ways under and through the Lord. Paul was endorsing that while we DO need to forgive the issue at hand, we do NOT always have to reconcile over the gaping hole until we see fruit of changed ways. The choice not to reconcile is wise, as it prevents us from getting hurt over and over again over the same old issues because of a lack of real change (repentance). We are to "guard our hearts" until "fruit in keeping with repentance" is realized. Forgive, YES, that we can do in our own hearts, reconcile, not until the heart is changed.

For people who selfishly demand unconditional trust before anything else (same with love for that matter), this presents a real problem. They demand trust and love but aren't willing to change their hearts and demonstrate that they are worthy of it. Trust is a willful choice, just like love. Just as we make the willful choice to love our mates, and that willful choice then creates the "in-love" feelings we are so much after, so the same with trust. We must make the willful choice to change our hearts and ways, and the trust we are so much after will be granted to us. People often demand the reverse, both for love and for trust, and it never works long term. They wait around for the "in-love" feelings to motivate them to love their mates, or for their mate to trust them again, but the time never comes, and in the mean time more distance and isolation builds up as each mate creates their own "island of me" instead of an "island of we", and emotional and physical divorce aren't far behind. We've all heard the saying "we just grew apart." Whenever I hear someone say that, my response is, "No, you just failed to grow together."

The Gospel message is much the same. God forgave all humankind through His work on the Cross, it required only Him to do so. But each of us must reconcile with God through Christ in order to restore our relationship with Him due to sin. Reconciliation requires two, God and each person.

END QUOTE

So, we choose to forgive for our own health and well being. This doesn't necessarily mean we forget, we will probably never literally forget the memory of what happened, but if we truly forgive, we no longer stew over what happened in our hearts. The negative emotions that were wrapped up in our memories are no longer triggered and relived, we give the issue over to God, and we trust that He will deal with our offender as He promises to in the Word.

PE1215 · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 2

I too have had difficulty forgiving in a relationship when I have been hurt. At that time all I could do was pray that God take my DESIRE to forgive completely and wholeheartedly and fill in the gaps with his perfect love. He took my desire to forgive that was the size of a mustard seed and with his perfect love it flourished into complete forgiveness.

underthesea · Junior Member Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 34

I am struggling so much with this right now. My husband had an emotional affair and sometimes I think that this was more painful than a physical affair would have been. It started out by him trying to help her and her difficult marriage and as RBrownTN said, at some point a line was crossed emotionally. He and I have talked about this numerous times and sometimes and I have sensed a change in his heart, but there is still contact and will always be between them. That is simply a fact that I will have to deal with. But my struggle now is that although I have forgiven him, I still struggle with what happened from time to time. A song will come on that will trigger thought or something will be said and I feel myself sinking back into the bitterness and hurt that I have tried so hard to put aside. At these times, he tries so hard to be helpful and wants me to tell him what is wrong, but I don't want to talk to him right away because I am trying not to throw things back at him and am trying to wait until the pain eases. And that usually makes him mad because I won't talk about it. I feel as though I am trying and he is too, but we just seem to keep feeding each others frustration and hurt at those times.

cjbaldw · Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 5:54 pm Post subject:

RBrownTN · Junior Member Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 44

Just wanted to give everyone an update. Each day continues to get better through HIS grace. My wife and I have embraced our marriage again and are determined to put the past behind us. The past few weeks alone have been really good.

One thing we've decided to do, was start over. New home in a new town but still roughly in the same area but out in the country instead of suburbs. This has proven to be a good distraction as we plan our new future together. I wasn't exactly sure if our marriage could endure the stress of moving, but we are doing this together and its been wonderful. We are putting our faith 100% in God to lead us to where He wants us and he's been opening and closing doors for us along the way in guiding us. Our eyes and hearts are open to Him and for this I have faith that my wife and I have a very promising future now - all because we put our faith in Him and not each other.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2131 Location: Chicago

That is wonderful and I praise God for your progress. Hold on to all the good things He is providing.

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