false accusations of infidelity

Kay47 · Newbie Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 5

I am posting this message in the hope that it will help me finally blurt out what I have kept inside for too long. My husband (of only 2 years) believes (not only 100% but 500%) that I have been unfaithful in our marriage. He says that he was happy for the first three months and when I ask him what changed after 3 months he says he doesn't need to tell me because I know. He believes he has been patient with me, waiting for me to tell him the truth and I think I have been very patient waiting for the truth to somehow come out. I thought that if I just kept loving him, he woudl eventually see the real truth but things seem to be getting worse - he is now finding it hard to even say goodmorning or goodnight as he is so sad and disappointed. I don't know how long I can last living like this expecially since we are also having a baby in 3 months.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

We're glad you've come to Growthtrac - welcome.

Whenever my husband and I have been at an impasse and we just keep going around in circles and can't resolve an issue - it's time to get some outside help. I call them tune-ups!

You obviously can't read his mind and he's not willing to verbalize what he believes occurred. How are you to know then what the issue really is?
Just a thought - he may feel that you talked to someone, looked at someone or touched someone inappropriately. It doesn't necessarily have to be sex. I'm only taking a stab in the dark.

For the sake of your little one, it's time to get this resolved so you are on steady ground emotionally and relationally for this child. Please make an appointment together to see your pastor or a counselor. Your marriage depends on it.

I have lifted your marriage up in prayer.

Kay47 · Newbie Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 5

Thanks for that.

I have suggested for the last 18 months that we go together for counselling to get to the real heart of things but he says counselling will only work if both parties tell the truth.

From the first time my husband asked me any questions about where I was or who I was with I have given him very honest responses and I have nothing to hide. What is even worse is that he believes I have been with his friend. the reality is that I have only ever seen thsi person when I was with my husband in a group gathering. Even more ironic is that from teh first time I met this man, I expressed to my husband that I didn't like him because he was a sleaze (although he has never approached me inappropriately or anything like that)- I have purposely avoided him! My husband asked me never to have contact with certain people and I have respected that and never spoken to any of them (I am now thinking that this has been my biggest mistake - perhaps I should have confronted all of these people who are supposedly talking about me to my husband). I am not even sure whether they are really saying things or wherther it is all in my husband's mind.

We are definitely stuck in a pattern where I just cry and that makes me all the more guilty in my husband's eyes and he is even more reluctant to talk about anything.

I feel like I can't fix this on my own and I just keep praying that something will happen to let the truth come out.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Extreme jealousy and control sounds like it might be more of an issue than anything - on your husband's part.

So, you need to make the first move.
Make an appointment with your pastor or a counselor and go speak with them on your own. Keep the appointments regularly and eventually your husband will go with you.

My guess is the reason he will not go, is the truth will come out. And... that truth is...deep in his heart he knows these accusations of infidelity are not true.

wgodsusy · Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 9:18 am Post subject:

I've lifted a prayer for you this morning.

Ever heard of the saying, "we judge by our own condition".
Has he ever given you a sign of infidelity.

*OR*

This happens to my brother a lot:
My mom and sisters have always been unfaithful to their partners so my little brother was traumatized with that and now married himself he over analizes things his wife says, does, who she talks to, etc...
He's in a way paranoid that his wife is lying or cheating on him. Thoughts that the enemy has been able to use in the past to torment him.
I've helped them by them coming to my house and actually talking about the entire issue, once they go home, they start doing better, getting along and moving on without bringing the issue back.

I would also recommend pray for your husband's mind. And for a revival for your marriage. God has a responsibility to help you with your marriage so that's what he's there for. You can also pick up the book, "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian.

God Bless and stay strong in the word.

Kay47 · Newbie Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 5

Thankyou for your prayers and encouragement.

I don't want to leave my husband or our marriage. I will keep praying for us and for him and try to patient. I don't believe that he has been unfaithful (or I have not seen or perceived any reason to believe that).

I have moments when I feel I can be strong and just put up with everything for as long as it takes and then others when I feel it cannot go on this way.

I am finding it difficult imagining what life will be like with our little baby on the way and my husband can't even have a simple converstaion with me. He has suggested that he would like to talk with my dad, whom he respects very much so I hope we can do that soon and at least someone else can hear both our points of view since counselling together is out of the question at the moment. Of course he wont tell me when he might be ready to talk with dad.

Thanks again. I have valued your comments.

cate · Newbie Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 10

I have moments when I feel I can be strong and just put up with everything for as long as it takes and then others when I feel it cannot go on this way.

[/quote]

Hello Kay,

Your post really touched me and I felt such a strong need to reply to you, it must be the Holy Spirit.

Please do not wait any longer to seek professional Christian Counseling to heal your relationship with your husband. I felt as you did, that I could be strong enough to handle the irrational behavior of my husband. 'Stuffing' the issues is toxic, and here I am, 13 yrs and 2 children later with a broken marriage. Devasting events have occured that I can't even discuss. This behavior, I believe, can utimately result in Emotional & Verbal Abuse. You do not want to continue down this path.

I would be very wary of your husband confiding in your Dad. From my own personal experience, and where your husband is in his thought process right now, he may try to use your father to side with himself instead of truly using the opportunity to understand why he is struggling with these thoughts and needs to control you, who your friends are and your behavior.

An unbiased Christian Third party is vital, and I Pray you will take the first step yourself as soon as possible so that this cycle will be broken. Please do not wait! My biggest regret right now is that I endured this for 13 yrs! It was one of the most difficult things I did - to go to one of our Pastors at our church and confide the problem. But is was one of the most freeing things too, once it was done. Do not wait for a 'better time...' ie: after the baby is born, when work is more stable, after I pray for him for 2 wks...THEN.." no, go now.

I don't know if my marriage can be healed, but we are taking steps to try and see if it's possible. Do not wait until it's almost too late.

I have lifted you in Prayer- today.

Cate

Kay47 · Newbie Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 5

Thanks Cate for your feedback from your experiences and also for your thoughts and prayers.

I will definitely continue on with counselling myself - hopefully we will both be able to go together at some stage in the near future. But if I keep working on myself that is the best I can do for now.

Thanks again.

Kay47 · Newbie Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 5

Hi again

Thanks again for your thoughts and input. I am seeking ongoing professional counselling for myself and I have finally made a move to at least confide in close friends of mine who are a christian couple just so that I can express some thoughts instead of keeping it inside all the time.

I feel so stuck as the actual situation at home has really become 'toxic'. I have expressed all along (or tried) that I am telling the truth and that I have not done any of teh things that my husbands thinks/believes/says that I have done. I have also made it clear that I value our marriage and our relationship and want to work together on the underlying issues - whatever they might be. However, I dont knwo how this can happen when my partner in this relationship is becoming more and more distant each day:
- he does not want to talk about it and keeps telling me we will talk when he is ready - without an idea of when that actually might be
- he wants me to be patient - i don't know how to wait for this unkown time when we might actually address the issues together instead of individually
- i try to be affectionate and demonstrate my love in small ways (just a touch or using affectionate name, aksing how the day was, showing interest - basic courtesies when you share ahouse with somebody let alone an intimate relationship) - all of these things actually seem aggravate him more and I now realise that these small things are the things I need in order to see some hope for our future but he is not willing to give them or receive them
- the icing on the cake this week is that last night he actually slept in the spare room instead of our bed - which I have interpreted as a major sign that things are not getting any better in his mind

With a baby due in 12 weeks I somehow need to know where I stand because the tension is just not good for any of us but at the same time I do not want to be giving ultimatums or putting ideas in his mind about leaving or ending the relationship

I really just want to make things better and I can't see how that can happen when everything that I have said and done in the last few months has been viewed and therfore interpreted through the "my wife is having an affair" lens - how can we go back and fix that in order to move on??

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