"Every Heart Restored"?

FallenKnight'sWife · Newbie Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 10

Got the book, it's wonderful. Still reading, more than halfway through it so far. Amazing the insight to the male mind that I was never privvy to before. I'm definitely learning a LOT.

HOWEVER.....help me out here a sec. It's a great book regarding men's personal battles with porn and masturbation and sexual addictions, but I'm finding myself a bit disappointed because it's not got as much help as I'd hoped for someone overcoming an affair that had little to do with an actual sexual addiction. What do I do if my husband is the weirdo with EMOTIONAL addictions? Am I missing a link somewhere? This affair he had almost doesn't even totally fit the "typical" affair profile--they did "everything but" have intercourse--thankfully there was at least one thing my husband wouldn't do. Granted, I don't feel very villified by that and it certainly doesn't seem noble to me that he'd save just that one part of himself for me when he'd be willing to give himself away in every other aspect of what we had in our marriage.

My biggest struggle right now is believing him. I can see in my heart he's not lying, but his words just mean so little to me right now that I can't believe what he says when he tells me how beautiful I am to him (and the other woman was a long-haired-blonde, blue-eyed size 6.....I'm a short-haired brunette with glasses and 40+lbs of baby weight added around what used to be every curve), how much he loves me (he told me that every day during the affair too), and how I meet his every need when I'm not doing a single thing differently than I was before. I'm just not getting it. I've forgiven him and told him I will do anything I can to help him restore himself to the man God intends him to be, but how do I overcome the feelings of worthlessness as a wife? How is something that "wasn't about the sex" not about me either? I just don't understand. Any advice?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

So much of what I hear from women who are walking in your shoes is, there is sexual addiction in the mix. Perhaps for your husband this may not be the case, but it is one of the reasons I recommended "Every Heart Restored".

There is another excellent book that deals specifically with affairs called "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder - this also has a separate workbook that goes with it. I think you will find that a lot of your issues with trust and self worth are addressed in this book. Also, it has a specific chapter on Emotional Affairs. "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage"by Nancy C. Anderson is also wonderful for learning how to protect your marriage.

Have you started counseling??? Honestly, this situation is very difficult to work through without professional Christian counseling . Your husband needs to work through the emotional baggage that got him to this place and from there what steps you both need to take to heal your marriage.

Somedays this process of healing (grieving - yours and his) can be one step forward and two steps back. Other days, take hope that it will be two steps forward and only one back. Then you will eventually realize that you're taking steps forward everyday.

Once betrayed, a person is always suspicious. That is something to give back to God on a daily basis. Consider journaling your prayers, concerns, anger and grief to God.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

One more thought - most men don't think an affair is an affair unless sex is involved. For women, most would define an affair as any type of emotional attachment. That became apparent to me after reading "Every Heart Restored".

FallenKnight'sWife · Newbie Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 10

SAM, we aren't in counseling yet because his schedule (he's in the army) doesn't afford him the daytime hours. It really stinks, but there's not much we can do about it right now. We are also getting ready to make an overseas move to Germany, so of course stress is running a little, well, high. We certainly could benefit from counseling, and hopefully when we get overseas we'll be able to take advantage of the resources the military offers. Right now my biggest concern and beef with his schedule is that he can't even have the "time off" during the day to go to church--he doesn't get weekends off. We are, however, making great strides in our communication. We've spent more hours on the phone in the last seven weeks than EVER, and it's slowly paying off.

One of the first questions I asked my husband when we started talking about the emotional baggage he's carrying around that brought him to this low point was if he knows how he got "attached" to her. He said very bluntly that it was the same way he got attached to another woman that he nearly had an emotional affair with five years ago(and yes, he does understand that an emotional affair is a very real thing and just as dangerous especially to a man like himself who is SO emotionally charged). He doesn't do anything, including friendships, halfway--he gives all of himself to anything he's doing at the time, and sometimes that is a very dangerous thing. This woman was hurting when he first tried to befriend her and keep her from leaving the church. Behind all of this sin he's gotten trapped in, the man has a heart of gold, he wants everyone to feel loved and he makes it his personal mission to take hurting people under his wing. Unfortunately this woman was far too "needy" and what has always been a childlike playfulness in my husband that he uses to make people smile turned to flirtation and then to sexual involvement. *Some* of the indicators of a sexual addiction were there, but not many. He's never been 'into' porn or masturbation and hasn't really had a wandering eye. This just sort of floored both of us out of the blue, so to speak.

There were, of course, a few things we'd neglected in our marriage, but nothing that left him sexually vulnerable. It may still take counselling to get to the bottom of everything, but as we work on the things that we know were missing, it's getting better for both of us.

I really do feel his heart is where it needs to be now, and as mine heals I'm sure things will fall into place. Thanks for your continued encouragement.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

So much going on - I'm glad you'll still be able to access GT from Germany so you can keep up with us here on the board. I really would like to know how you are doing once you get there. I was an Army brat - dad was career for 22 years and lived in Germany until I was 5 years old. The military life is not an easy one and an admirable sacrifice for our country.

There are some very clear boundaries that need to be established since I believe there has been two (2) emotional affairs??

1) no one on one contact with another woman without your presence or that of another lay person from the church

2) if your husband has a passion for hurting people, he needs to limit his access to working with men only

3) husband and wife doing ministry together - builds up your relational time and something happens in bringing you closer to God when you serve Him together.

4) counseling

This is what was layed out as accountability for a very dear friend in our church after an affair.

FallenKnight'sWife · Newbie Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 10

Only one emotional affair, there was real potential for another one, but it never actually happened. The pattern is that these two women were both members of our church and he got to know them personally (intimately) before I did. Therefore the friendship they struck wasn't mutual, it was exclusive. I have gone on to have very close ties to both of these women--it just took me longer to get to know both of them in each case; if he'd waited on me to befriend them in my timing, things would have been just fine. We've had some very wonderful relationships with couples we've gone to church with and have never had any problem with temptation in any of those circumstances. The problems started in both cases when he pursued a friendship without me. I am a "helper" too but I'm the type who has to sit and observe to get the overall climate of a person's situation before I can jump in and do anything. He's the one who will jump head first off of a cliff before looking to see how many rocks are below him.....there's a little bit of daredevil in every soldier, I believe. Unfortunately, I'm not off the hook even if he learns not to be so much of a carefree (and careless) spirit--our first and second daughters are exactly like him! Rolling Eyes

The boundaries you listed are very close to the ones we established. He's taking all of this very seriously and he knows how important boundaries are for our future. He told me yesterday that if he has to spend every day for the rest of his life going "overboard" to prove he's trustworthy and committed, he'll do it. I told him it's not enough for me that he wants to do all he can to get things back to the way they were *before* this other woman came into our lives, I want our marriage, our spiritual lives, and our commitment to serving God TOGETHER to be stronger than it ever was. That's where the real work is going to come in, everything else will probably fall into place.

I've gotten further in the book than I had been the other day when I posted, and I'll say this--I'm finding a lot more help coping from the latter chapters. The "under-the-radar" chapter was painfully eye-opening and humbling. I may have to read it every day for a year, but I really believe the "meat" in that chapter alone will be the bedrock for my healing.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

FallenKnight'sWife · Newbie Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 10

Already bought him Every Man's Marriage!

Great minds think alike, eh? Very Happy

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

You bet!

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