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Hi Jim,

I wanted to ask you a question regarding your advice on this issue. My situation is this:

My husband has some anger issues. He is never violent, but I know he gets angry and he did admit to me once that in a moment of anger he thought about killing me (this was several years ago). The closest he has ever come to hurting me was once when he slapped my hand away - I can't remember why. This happened just after the thought of killing me.

The funny thing is, slapping my hand away worried me more than his thinking of killing me - I felt that that was just a thought and nothing to worry about. I thought he was just dealing with past issues, his mother was very dominating and abusive. Also, he was extremely worried about the thought of killing me, and that made me assume that he would deal with it.

However, when he slapped my hand away he wasn't so sorry, and that made me start thinking. I started praying about it a lot, and I formed my own action plan in case he ever did hit me, but nothing as detailed as what you've suggested here. All I really decided was that I should always be where I felt safe.

So anyway, the whole issue came to an head one evening a few months after the hand slapping incident. He was really angry about something (I don't remember what), and the look in his eye made me scared. He just looked like he was going to loose it this time. So I left the conversation and the room, and told him I was sleeping in the Guest Room until he cooled down. He is not the type of guy who chases, so I knew he wouldn't try to follow me.

He was really stunned. I could almost feel his emotion through the house. I stayed there for about half the night, when I felt it was safe to return. When I went back he was very repentant, and we made up. He seemed to think that when I left it was the beginning of the end, and that I would be leaving forever, which wasn't my intention.

Since then he seems to have gotten control of his anger. I know he prays a lot, and I have too. What do you think, did I do the right thing? Am I safe, or should I start making copies of my birth certificate, etc?

I've never been in a position where I've had to deal with anger before, and it frightened me. I still feel a little frightened sometimes, not because I actually suspect that he's going to hit me soon, but because I feel that the door's been opened. It's a possibility, a maybe. Has anyone else in the forums dealt with this before?

I dealt with violence in my home while growing up. I thank God that this has never happened in my marriage. There have been times in our early years of marriage together, where I would push every button I could in my husband. He once hit the countertop and walked away from me. Or, I would get so angry with him, I would pound on his chest or arms or I had a terrible habit of throwing food at him - eggs, chocolate milk and a bag of oreos.

Counseling worked wonders. Especially for me in dealing with my own anger and the home in which I grew up in. A lot of my anger had to do with my family of origin and being raised in a military family.

Has your husband every been in counseling or taken an anger management course? We often relive what we were exposed to and play that out in our current relationships.

Of course, not to minimize your circumstances, if you do not feel safe, then steps should be taken to protect yourself. Having my husband tell me he wanted to kill me would set off several alarm bells.

These are 12 signs of an abuser -

1. Jealous.
2. Blames others (including you) for his faults.
3. Blames circumstances for his problems.
("If only I had a job, I wouldn't be so upset").
4. His behaviour is unpredictable.
5. He belittles you verbally.
6. He cannot control his anger.
7. He always asks for a second chance.
8. He says he'll change, that he won't do it again.
9. His family resolves problems with violence.
10. He plays on your guilt. (If you loved me, you'd...")
11. His behaviour often worsens when he uses alcohol or drugs.
12. He is close-minded. His way is the only way.

Thanks Sam. I should correct one thing though - he never wanted to kill me, I think I said that a little wrong.

Something happened one day that made him really mad, and in that moment he had a sudden picture of him killing me flashed through his mind. He got really worried about it, because (obviously) that isn't something that should naturally come to mind. But he never actually wanted to kill me.

I guess I wasn't as alarmed as I should have been because I came out of a somewhat abusive home myself, and when I was a teenager, sometimes in a moment of pain, something horrible would flash before my eyes. I would always take it as a sign of something I needed to deal with, and take it to the Lord. After working through some things, that phase has passed now. I assumed that my husband would react the same way, but after the hand slap, I got worried, because that didn't seem to be happening.

My husband hasn't been through any formal anger management course or counselling, it is a little difficult for us. His work has taken him into the spotlight in our community, and something like walking into a counsellor's office could appear in the local gossip columns, and it could be quite damaging. We do have christian friends we talk to sometimes, but he is a little reluctant to be truly open. He's been betrayed by "trusted" friends before.

We tend to pray on our own, and do our own thinking. I read a lot though, and whenever I find something that I think is relevant to him I tell him, and he takes a lot of interest. He has started reading more himself as well, although he is not the type of person who would generally sit for hours and just read. But do you know of any books that might be worth reading?

Regarding the 12 signs of an abuser, I am glad to say that he doesn't actually fit very many of them. He is somewhat jealous, but that seems to be diminishing. He never blames anyone else or circumstances for anything, not even his mother, which kind of concerned me, because I saw a fairly clear conection between the way he was treated and what he's feeling now. He is sometimes unpredictable, but very rarely, and not in a way that scares me. I'm not really sure if I would say he belittles me verbally, sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't think the world of me, but he rarely verbalises it.

He has controlled his anger, the night I slept seperately was the only time I thought he might be near loosing it, and that was several years ago. He is such a gentle and tender person, and I think he feels worse about the potential that he could be dangerous than I do. The guilt seems to eat him up, he has never even suggested that I should give him any second chances. That makes me want to stay and love him all the more, because I know he is hurting. He has never tried to make any excuses, never said "It'll never happen again, etc."

I should maybe explain his character a little. He is a very sensitive guy, and very gentle. He is always giving me lovely presents (he has excellent taste) and doing whatever he can for me. I think perhaps he is too used to domineering women - he seems to expect me to eat him alive over any minor flaw.

Regarding point number 9, I'm not really sure if I would say his family resolves problems with violence. His mother was dominating, but from what I know I think she used anger as an outlet for her own internal pain, not really a way to solve problems. Number 10 definately doesn't apply, I don't think he would ever think I should feel any guilt. He doesn't drink excessively or use drugs, and he's not close-minded either.

But thank you for that list, I think I will keep it somewhere. It is good to know what the signs are that something might be wrong. I really had know idea how to tell. Is there anything you could suggest other than counselling though? I know we do need to work through this. If you know of any good books or tape series, I'd really appriciate it. Thank you again.

Self-help is an oxymoron and yes, I am an advocate of Christian counseling. To heal and become the person Christ wants you to be, we need the widsom of others who know better than we do. We need their help to gain new insight and perspective when we have lost our direction.
What about counseling through your church if it is available?

As far as books to recommend - not sure what would interest you or what specifically you are looking for. Can you give me some ideas?

Thanks Sam. Regarding counselling through the church, the Christian friends I mentioned in my last entry are our pastors, and while they are wonderfully gifted in other areas, counselling is not their forte. They do try to help as much as possible, but I get the impression that they don't have much experience in anger. I don't think they understand the issues involved. Still, it is good to have a friend.

Haven't you ever found reading to be helpful? It has made a lot of difference to me in the past. I guess I find it very useful to have all the information put before me - that was why I was interested. For example, the 12 points you gave me above, that's the type of thing I often find in a book, and it brings a lot of clarity to the situation. I was really just looking for information about anger and how to deal with it, both from the perspective of the abuser and the abused. If you don't know of anything that's okay, I was going to have a look myself, but I just thought that if you had dealt with this in the past you may know of something.

Gary Chapman wrote a book awhile back called, "The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in Godly Way". Also, "Getting Anger Under Control" by Neil Anderson.

There is a wonderful book called "Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn that my husband highly recommends for men. Perhaps as a Christmas gift?

Also, Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil McGraw. While not really written from a Christian perspective, he does had some spiritual aspects into this book. Not at all what I expected from him. Chapter 4 is called Eliminating Your Bad Spirit which addresses destructive behaviors.

I am an avid reader. Sometimes 5 to 6 books a month. Even with all the information entering my home, we can choose to apply it, or store it. Most people store it and don't use it in their marriage. Just my personal observation. Seeking wisdom and counsel from others when a marriage is hurting is a sign of strength, not weakness. Most marriages are hurting rather than healthy. Having accountability partners ( a counselor, a pastor, an elder, a wise Christian friend) is essential to implementing the changes necessary. It's that kick start we need. I found this out in my own marriage.

We usually stay in hurtful patterns until we get perspective and accountability from other Christians. It's called hiding. We don't realize that God sees it all as well as other Christian friends. My husband and I are blessed to have several close Christian friends who we call our Board of Directors. They have been willing to call us on issues when they see them and I am grateful for that. Counseling has also been our saving grace. Without it, our marriage would not be where it is today - healthy and wonderful.