Does anyone feel this way?

casluv · Newbie Joined: 09 Dec 2006 Posts: 1 Location: Jos, Nigeria

I am a 20-something SAHM of a toddler.My hubby travels alot for business and as a result we are separated 90% of the time.I have no doubts about his fidelity to me-thats not an issue.The issue is that i struggle with feelings of anger and resentment.I feel his life is pretty much the same but mine changed 150%!I do not like staying at home all day and I get frustrated almost all the time. I changed physically,emotionally after I had the baby and now,because he's away so much,I almost feel like a single parent! I do not want to leave the marriage and I know my hubby is a good honest man.The problem is me-I feel distant from him in all ways and in a way I resent him for the fact that I feel this way.I dont have the initial "in love" feelings I had and I dont enjoy marriage and motherhood as much as i thought I would.I know I'm being childish and self-centered but it seems to have taken a hold of me.What do I do?Can anyone identify with me?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

The same thing happened to me with my first child and my husband traveling all of the time. It's a lot to do by yourself.

It's important to sit down with your husband and let him know that you are feeling overwhelmed, lonely and that you miss him. When he comes home, it's important to plan date nights and time away to be intimate.
Because he's gone all week, he's looking forward to being home. When you've been cooped up all week, you're looking forward to getting out.

If family obligations on the weekends are competing for your time together, then it's time to say no at least two weekends a month where there is nothing on the calendar except time for you and him and your child. Go on picnics, to the park, see some movies, stay in and cuddle and order in if you can. It takes deliberate planning - I know it's not spontaneous but planning romance and family time usually can't be. Be sure you go to church as a family on the weekends - so both of you have a God fill-up for the week ahead of you.

He's doing his very best to support you and your child. This is what drives a man, and him knowing you appreciate that is important to him. While he is away, make sure you are talking for at least a little bit of time every night, just to say I love you and miss you. Start writing each other love notes during the week, then give them to each other when he leaves again to read while he is away. That way you each have something to look forward to reading about your love for each other while you are separated. I still have those notes from my husband - they were pretty steamy!

As for those "in love" feelings - it is normal for them to be up and down in a marriage. People search for them again through someone else when they no longer feel them for their spouse - only to end a marriage. What they don't realize is those "in love" feelings will eventually fade with the new person too. I've come to learn that love is a daily choice - it is not a "feeling". It's a choice to stay committed no matter the circumstances and no matter what my feelings are. That is out of obedience to God, not obedience to myself and my feelings.

If you are housebound during the week, it's OK to find some outside activities and to get a sitter for the baby. Or, there are lots of mom/tot things to do at a park district or the YMCA. Many churches have these types of programs, or if you can - find a mom's bible study group during the week. Some moms have a sitter watch all of the kids while they are in their group. Take a course at the junior college one night a week in interior design or floral arrangement or creative writing - it will energize you. But, get out of the house - it's important to your mental and emotional health.

Hope that helps some. It may help to spend some time talking with your pastor or a counselor every couple of weeks. Lastly, you are not alone - you have a loving and faithful God who is walking beside you through this time of motherhood and being a wife. Lean on Him daily and find 5-10 minutes to be in his word to build you up and restore your spirit. I get up before the house stirs in the morning to do this.

After all is said and done, if these feelings still overwhelm you like a cloud of sadness hanging over you, consider talking to your doctor about depression.

It's not an easy road to have your husband away all the time when the kids are small. He misses out on a lot. My husband eventually changed careers and made a decision to take a job that limited his travel. I know that can be hard and it means a serious lifestyle change, but it is a discussion you and your husband need to have.

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