Divorce

rasqui · Newbie Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 4

Hello everyone,
I am a 41 year female. I got married very young, 16 and suffered for 23 years with an abusive husband. I tried everything, conceling, prayer, but after so much suffering, I prayed to God for direction and I divorced my husband 2 years ago. He abused me physically, verbally, emotionally and to top it all, when we were separated and going to counceling to see if we could save our marriage, I received news that he was proposing to another woman. During these first years as a divorced woman I have had mixed feelings. I am thankful that I did what I had to do many years ago. There are no more screams in my house. I'm not afraid anymore. If I see it's a nice day outside I can go for a walk! No questions asked. It is a beautiful feeling not to be afraid. Although, sometimes I feel lonely and a failure. This is not what I wanted. I wanted to grow old together and to see our grandchildren playing and laughing together. Lately I have been considering remarriage. I read the article on this site about it and it is very enlightening. I am afraid of making a mistake, but also I know I don't want to live alone. My son moved out of the state to college, got married and decided to stay in that state. My daugther is 22 and lives with me, but I don't want to hold her back. I understand that she has to live her own life. I haven't talk about me feeling lonely with her because I don't want her to feel that she has to stay with me. She is going out with this wonderful boy I don't want to ruin her plans. I thank the Lord for finding this web-site, I am feeling very lonely and confused. Would you please give me some advice?

RBrownTN · Junior Member Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 44

Like you, I had many of the same feelings when my first marriage failed. I wasn't a strong believer then - but I did know that I didn't want to go through life alone. For 4 years after my marriage failed, I was in a deep pit of depression, yet now as I look back, I realize that God never left me even though I never acknowledged Him. This was my only regret.

My advice to you is merely to pray for you to be in God's will. He didn't create us to go through life alone thats why He created us male and female to be joined through marriage. The key is allowing God to guide you - not the other way around. He want's us to rely on Him, so pray and ask for discernment and guidance. Being faithful to Him will be returned by His loving grace.

Worry about nothing pray about everything —Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2132 Location: Chicago

I'm not sure from your post, but are you considering remarrying your ex-husband? That would be a whole different discussion if you are.

It's OK to be single and very, very selective in who you choose to date and/or remarry. If you are considering a new man in your life - pray, pray and pray some more for God to bring a very strong, grounded and mature Christian man into your life. Premarital counseling is still a must or time with a mentor couple. Things to talk about - communication, conflict resolution, expectations, sexual purity, family of origin, leisure activities, roles for each of you, and finances. Also, consider a financial seminar to discuss finances and a budget. Many couples do not take the time to invest in their marriage, but spend more time planning and investing in a wedding.

There is a wonderful book by Ron Deal called the Smart Step-Family.
I highly recommend it. Re-marriages can be very, very difficult. Even though your children are older and almost gone from the house, there are still issues and dynamics that can add stress to a 2nd marriage. It's a rather eye-opening book.

Sometimes there are singles groups at churches and within your community. This may be a really great place to meet some new people and make new friends. Or, consider becoming part of a woman's bible study. Developing some close Christian friendships can really help with lonliness. The key is to not sit home and dwell on this. It's time to form some strong Christian friendships. And, if and when you decide to re-marry, they will be there with you to walk beside you through a new marriage. God has designed us for community with other believers.

Our loving Heavenly Father really wants to be your husband right now. Being in prayer with him and through devotions/time in the word each day, you can feel him surround you and hug you, provide for you and ease your lonliness. The key is time with Him.

rasqui · Newbie Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 4

Thank you for your quick reply Sam and RBrownTN. Your answers are very helpful. No, I don't plan to re-marry my ex-husband. In the many times we separated and got back together we hurted the people around us, I don't want any part of that relationship anymore. I am going to church, and pray that the Lord's will is done in my life. I know He is with me and loves me. Pray for me please because I don't want to walk away from His will. I don't know if I should even be considering re-marriage, I am very afraid to make a mistake.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2132 Location: Chicago

If you take the time to date for awhile, diligently do your homework (counseling/mentoring), pray, etc. I believe God will give you a clear picture of who He wants you to marry.

There's another book - perhaps meant for those younger than us, but it has some really good concepts, called " Date or Soul Mate - How to Know If Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less" by Neil Clark Warren.

>>And more books here

It has some great principles about making a list of the 10 qualities you desire in a husband and the 10 things that you do not want. As you date, if any one of the "do not wants" appears, then end the relationship immediately. You will be compromising your wants and needs for a new husband if you continue the relationship. I think that is a wonderful way to not become tied to someone too quickly and to really know what you are looking for in a new mate.

rasqui · Newbie Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 4

Thank you for your encouraging words. I will look up the books that you have mentioned. I would like to know what you think of the dating online web sites. I was considering one in particular where you can be selective of the religious background but I don't know how reliable these sites are.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2132 Location: Chicago

I've heard some good stories and some bad ones. There was recently a lady here on the boards who met someone, married, and after they were married, found out her husband had been married three times previously.
Their marriage has not been built on much trust and they are currently separated.

I've also heard good things as long as you meet someone in a public place and not at your home or their home. Do not give out your home phone number or address or at anytime show them private pictures of family members, a drivers license - pay for a meal only with cash, not a credit card, etc.

I still say the best place is through a Christian singles group. If anything happened to my husband, that would be the only place I would go but that's just me.

Jim · Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 1:39 pm Post subject:

Hi rasqui

As far as online dating sites...

I've heard good things about Dr. Leman's, MatchWise.com.

There are a couple other "Christian" dating sites out there
(in fact founded & operated by leading Christian relationship experts)
which have strayed from their original values.

Dr. Leman is trying hard to maintain strict standards.

However, I think the nature of anything "online" requires
caution and good judgment.

rasqui · Newbie Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 4

Thank you Jim for your advise. I'll check it out when I feel ready. I feel that the Lord is not done healing me from my divorce. I just want to know what my options are. It scares me greatly to think about dating or taking to a man in a romantic way. I was married for 23 years and the only man in my life was my ex-husband. At the same time I know I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. I thank the Lord for the blesssing of finding the Growthtrac Community.

webacus · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:07 pm Post subject:

rasqui

Here's a new article you might like:Ten Things to Know Before You Re-Marry

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