Difference in beliefs-destroying our marriage

KSpencer · Newbie Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 9

My husband and I have been married 3 years, we have a 6mo old son. Our marriage was based on our love for the Lord. Sure we were not the "perfect" Christians, but was always concerned with our relationship with God. My husband actually felt he was called into the ministry and would occasionally give a message at our church. Life was grand and my husband was wonderful. But about 4 months ago, my husband started to distance himself completly from me. He LOVES our son whole heartedly but was missing out on a lot with him too..putting extra hours in at work. Coming home and then "going for a run" plus going to college. He told me that everything makes him happy he does except coming home. He loved it at work because he could be who he was and couldn't at home. He said he just needed time to figure things out. I gave him 4 mos and finally had enough so about 3 weeks ago I gave him a few more days to figure out what he needed to. He now was saying that he didn't even know if he believed in God. He felt that the evidence for "evolution" was undeniable. We ended up renewing our vows and he stated that he was going to raise our child in a Christian home. But it was all a lie. He only goes to church so "we can stay married"-I need help-how do I continue living in such a split household. God is my all..but I love my husband with all my heart. We fell in love with eachother because of our love for Christ....I am scared.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2053 Location: Chicago

I have prayed for you and your marriage today. Not to oversimplify, but I believe your husband may be under spiritual attack. It is time to call the pastor of your church and your elders to pray over you and your husband. Hubby needs accountability and you both will need counseling to work through this. You cannot be an island and survive.

I heard an excellent message awhile back by Andy Stanley from Northpoint church in Atlanta. He told the pastors that if you are going to cheat anything, cheat your ministry, but do not cheat your family. Your husband may be receiving affirmation and accolades for his work and it is building up his confidence. That could very well be why he loves that and does not love coming home.

We all go through ups and downs in our journey with God. God is asking you to stay beside your husband through this, he is not giving you an "get out of jail" option.

There is a great book written by Lee and Leslie Stroebel called, "Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage" that may be very helpful to you. Consider also, "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian.

KSpencer · Newbie Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 9

Thank you for the recommendations of the books.. I have read the Power of a Praying wife and loved it. I will also read the other one. I totally agree with the standing by my husband on this...I also agree he is under spiritual attack. I know that I am not fighting with my husband but against principality and powers of darkness. I appreciate your prayers. I believe that that is the only thing that will get us through this. We have met with our Pastor, but now my husband refuses to...He feels that no one can "help" him...he needs to figure what he believes on his own. I like to provide him with my insight and documentation on why evolution cannot exist but he feels I am just trying to be "right". He said he doesn't matter what he does because, "I will always be right" (with sarcasm of course). I am scared #1 for my husband's spiritual well being, #2 for my son...I don't want him to grow up under different teachings. My husband says it is a decision he can make on his own...But I want to Raise my child in the way he SHOULD go....then he will not depart right?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2053 Location: Chicago

Ok, if he no longer want to have any kind of accountability with your pastor, then it's time to see a Christian counselor.

As for raising your child in the direction He should go. I believe children have a very keen sense of evil and goodness. Continue to take your child to church, continue to honor/respect your husband even though you may not agree, disagree in private and not in front of your son.

Children do make decisions for themselves as they grow older. Some will break your heart, but they do come back to the God they grew up with. I've watched this with my daughters. They had to prove things for themselves.

There are studies out there that spiritual foundation before the age of 13, sticks with them into adulthood.

KSpencer · Newbie Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 9

Ok...I will suggest the Christian Counseling. Thank you. If he isn't willing is this something I should do on my own?

KSpencer · Newbie Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 9

I have been trying really hard to be easy on my husband...I just don't know how long I can handle it....His ideas, his actions, his sarcasm, his analytic thinking is driving me nuts!!!!!!!!!!! I love him SOOOO much but he IS not the same man I feel God has designed me to be married to...Not saying that I have the right to divorce----I know that is not an option for this...but...he refuses counseling...he doesn't think we need it...He feels we are just simply fine...Nothing wrong at all...Hello! I see my husband's faith totally gone----360 degree change in a matter of months...SOMETHING IS WRONG!! I am LOST-SCARED-DEPRESSED and losing my mind...Honestly if it were not for my 6mos old son I would feel no need to continue trying...Not Good----I am suppose to be a Woman of God..A Virtuous Woman...I am drowning though.

charp20 · Newbie Joined: 17 Nov 2006 Posts: 4

I just wanted to let you know that sometimes God will test us to build up our faith. This is a test not only for your husband but also for you. Stick it out and think of all the test Job went through.

My husband isn't a christian and he never has been so I really don't know how it is to have them as one and then fall away. It has to be harder then having one that just isn't and never has been.

Just pray a lot. Something God has shown me is spending more and more time in that secret place with just you and God. Set the example and God says in His Word that he will give us the desires of our hearts.

KSpencer · Newbie Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 9

Thank you for your response....I have been praying for my husband to come back around..He came with us to church this past Sunday...but I find myself more hurt over him no longer "participating" in worship---then me concentrating on God. We took communion and he wouldn't do that either...IT HURTS SO BAD...I just don't understand...after church he asked me what was wrong and I simply said...you know what is wrong why do you ask...he then began to argue with me...once we got home he sat down with me and said how much he loved me and he married me for ME...NOT MY FAITH...I am opposite though...I love my husband and I love him as a father of our child...I find him attractive...and other the other but I MARRIED HIM because of his faith...Now that isn't there...He came right out and said to me that he didn't say he DIDN'T believe in God...and he didn't say he didn't believe that Jesus Christ died for us...but he DOES choose to believe in evolution...that the evidence for such in undeniable...
I am scared for my husband. I just thought about this right now while typing...."How much more does God ache for all the others who are lost"

charp20 · Newbie Joined: 17 Nov 2006 Posts: 4

Just remember this, it is soooo very important. And it is soooo hard for me. We have to remember to keep our selfs quiet and not nag them. This is God's job not ours. We have to live the example and through that our husbands will be saved. That is what the Bible tells us, so I just wanted to let you know, it is hard for me too. Sometimes, though our nagging drives them further away. I'll be praying.

KSpencer · Newbie Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 9

You are so RIGHT! I totally 100% agree with you on that...our nagging can drive them away. I have been trying to be very careful of my word choice around him...Although we must not walk on nails either. If Christ puts something in our mind we must speak it...just be certain...it is Christ and not self. Do you find it hard to have a good balance between church and home...I know the order is GOD, HUSBAND, CHILDREN, CHURCH..but I find it very difficult to know the difference of GOD and CHURCH. I am very active in our church..teach children on Wednesday, love the adult bibe study on Thursdays and we have 2 services on sunday...I love being there but I am afraid that my husband will start to feel that that is more important. It isn't...It is just what I feel I need to be spiritually strong. What is a good balance?

charp20 · Newbie Joined: 17 Nov 2006 Posts: 4

I am also very involved in church. I also teach a class on Wed nights. My husband knows where I stand with church. Sometimes he gets a little irritated when Mon- Music Practice, Tues-Women's meeting, Wed-Church, Thur-Prayer, Sun-Church. That doesn't usually all fall on one week but one in a great while it does, then I try to miss the ones I could do at home, like prayer or something. Usually I know when to tell him I am going regardless and I know when I should stay home.

KSpencer · Newbie Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 9

Your life sounds a lot like mine..Funny huh? Do you have children that are involved in this? That is also one of my main concerns...I pray daily over my son that he will grow up knowing the truth and that he will be a man after God's own heart. I know that ultimately everything is in God's control and that He sees a thousand connections we don't...This is where your faith and trust comes in....Just so hard to understand..my husband was going to go to school to be a minister...now a believer in evolution... HOW? Thank you for your kindness...God has used you to shine His light into the life of a complete stranger...Amazing isn't it? God Bless!

cjbaldw · Posted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 1:59 pm Post subject:

K,

First off, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Sad

((((((((((((((((KSpencer))))))))))))))

I've been married for 12 years together for 16 and, though I've gone through brief periods where I've questioned my faith over those years, since I'm scientifically oriented in some ways, I'm still attending worship actively and am involved in a great Sunday school class. I don't really see evolution versus faith as an end all be all argument upon which any one person must be right or wrong. There are many sects of Christianity that believe there is room for both evolution and God. Some believe that evolution was one of God's tools that he used to create life in the universe. You and I may choose to believe that the Word is literal in interpretation, and we may indeed believe that as certain sections of 1st Corinthian's outlines, that those who aren't led by the Spirit are blinded and simple cannot see God's work and therefore look to the world's definitions instead. The bottom line is, we choose what we believe, just like we have a choice in reconciling with God on an individual basis through faith in Christ.

Recognize that it is your active choice to make this a big issue or a small issue, and try not to look outside of yourself for solutions to this problem. All of your justifications may indeed make perfect sense to me and to you, but in the end, they are your way of thinking and approaching life and no matter how much you choose to let these facts upset you (and it is indeed your choice how you feel and react to this situation), you cannot change anyone other than yourself. Try and think of it in these terms, the Bible makes a wonderful sword, but a horrible club with which to beat someone over the head with the Christian philosophy. If you want your husband to return to Christ, then follow Christ yourself and give him a solid example of what living the Christian life looks like by setting the example. That is the only thing you can do, control yourself (which if you remember is one of the many spiritual gifts we receive, the spirit of self control).

If your husband eventually chooses to desert or abandon you entirely because of your belief in Christ, then to the best of my understanding, his hardness of heart that results in abandonment entitles you to divorce, however it seems like you're nowhere close to this point, so be Christ to him with your words and actions. Have confidence in yourself, find your value within yourself and your Savior, don't seek to find your value in your husband, and don't seek to push your values on your husband, as tempting as that might be. There is a marked difference between living your own Christian life, because of your own beliefs, in confidence and without apologies, and attempting to project or force it onto those around you, because you lack confidence in yourself and need those around you to believe similarly because you find your own value in the mirroring of your beliefs back to you from your husband.

I agree with SAM. Your husband is definitely under spiritual attack. Be in prayer about it. Pray for him AND for yourself, that you would be a witness for Christ to him based upon how Scripture defines what love is. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

All of that said, please understand that I can only imagine, as I initially said, how difficult this situation is for you. It is not going to be easy by any measure. However, you're not going to win him back to the faith by attempting to win an argument that cannot be won on logical terms. Faith isn't about logic, the Bible tells us that there's a way that seems to make sense to a man, but actually leads to his destruction. Be an example, don't argue with him on his level no matter how much you're tempted to do so. Let your son see clearly that you stand on your own two feet and if necessary, you will lead spiritually if your husband provides only a vacuum in this area of life, at least temporarily while he navigates through this difficult season in his own life.

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