Depressed and confused

sheshell · Newbie Joined: 11 Dec 2006 Posts: 10

My husband and I just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, but we have been together for 11. I wasn't really excited about the day, because my husband and I have had an ongoing problem ever since we've been together. He doesn't put us first in his life. Although over the years it has gotten better, I still have to fight him for time. Time not only with me but also our two boys, ages 7 & 9. I used to think it was his friends influencing him, but as I watched and observed and listened to some things he has said I realized it is himself he puts first. It has definetly changed drastically over the years. Anytime I say anything about it he goes to the extreme of me just wanting him to stay at home and never do anything, but that's not true. I don't mind him having his hobbies(cars & motorcycles), but he is so wrapped up in it, he is always gone. He has always told me that boys need a father to show them how to grow up and be a man, but he is never here to do that with our children. They spend more time with me. I have just basically given up because no matter what I say, it doesn't change. I don't even feel like being a good wife. He asks me whats wrong, but I don't feel like going in to it because we have had this discussion so many times I already know what he is going to say. He'll say we just spent last night together, or everyday of the week together. He says the 2 hours at dinner and bowling is enough, even though he spent all Friday night at a car track and all day Saturday running around and all day Sunday at a motorcycle event. And during the week he counts him being on the computer and TV as quality time. Or then again maybe it's me, I just don't know anymore.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2047 Location: Chicago

sheshell · Newbie Joined: 11 Dec 2006 Posts: 10

Thank you for your suggestions. He actually had a good father growing up, so I don't know where it comes from. We are trying to relocate to another city which means him leaving his friends behind. And I for one am excited because I think it will kind of force him to be at home, for a while anyway. I don't mind him doing things he likes to do, just not all the time where it takes away from our relationship and his relationship with our children.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2047 Location: Chicago

Another thing I experienced with my husband -
We were married very young at 19 and 20 and our first daughter came along five years later and the 2nd one four years after that.

It took a long time for him to mature and understand what sacrificing for his family meant. He was still thinking single, not married, when it came to his free time, family time and toys.

Sometimes our guys love us, they just aren't quite there yet in learning what it means to sacrifice personal time and toys when the family or marriage needs time and attention more.

BTW, my hubby "got it" when he gave his life over to Christ and found accountability partners (other guys) to do life with who were also men of God.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Hello- I agree with Sam, also do you have a church home, are there things your husband would do as a fam. at church? Let your husband know how much you love him, create those times when he is home that he sees you having fun with the kids that he will not want to miss. I know it feels sometimes that as wives we always do the plaaning. I lift your family up in prayer, the time goes so fast, lets pray that your husband will see his wive and kids as a priority. God Bless your day-She Shell. Jo-jo-does he mind if you go with on some of his outings?

sheshell · Newbie Joined: 11 Dec 2006 Posts: 10

We do have a church home and a couple of the guys that he rides motorcycles with goes there. He doesn't want me going with him because he says all that's around are guys. He comments on my unhappiness, so he knows I'm unhappy and if I bring up why he says " Here we go again". And I hate sounding like a broken record, but things never change. So this time I'm just not saying anything at all. It doesn't help when I do.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 314 Location: In Prayer

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Hello-There are so many good responses on this site, I am glad I found it. I only wish that years ago- it would have been availble. When my husband brings up certain things adout family memories and I hear the timetable- I can hardly stand to listen- its as if He does not remember he was having an affair. So I push him for the answers to all my ?? and he keeps telling me he is praying about it. Jo-jo

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 314 Location: In Prayer

Honestly, I have found that my husband's memory is much different than mine. I tend to remember the details, he remembers the event.

Our guys are wired up much differently than we are - God intended that way. They don't think like we do or remember like we do.

More than likely, he does not remember the details of what took place and would have to go through hypnosis to remember every detail you want to know about. Very Happy

I believe I remember your posts that this affair occured 10-15 years ago or longer? Dear sister in Christ, most of it is gone from his mind in terms of what was said and when and specific dates and times. He will remember visual detail, but not the other details you may be looking for.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Babycakes-Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. But I do think for such a large part of his life he saw this woman over wkends and wanted to divorceme, you would have some memories of when it started and who ended it and why in the 1st place. For me its just to many unanswered ??s. I believe it started before she moved out of state and he does not want to hurt me anymore ten he has. This is someone he talked to on the phone on almost a daily basis. I am not asking for small details. I feel I am entitled to more then what he has told me-which is not alot. Jo-jo

findingtheway · Full Member Joined: 28 Nov 2005 Posts: 150

Wow when I read your post it sounded familiar. My H too gradually started putting other things first before me and our kids. He only wanted me when it was convenient to him, when he was done with everything HE wanted to do. I would go to bed because he was doing other things then after I'm well asleep then he would come to bed and expect me to wake up and talk. I finally said no all he did was said fine, wasnt' willing to change it, I heard the same thing, not again, or stop nagging. THEN a little over a year ago he got injured and couldn't do anything, I mean nothing he wanted me by his side 24/7, I gave up everything to be by his side 24/7 for a year. I only did things I had to do, even with that he complained. During this time we talked extensively about his priorities and I heard one after the other how sorry he was and he would never do those things again ect. Which now he has changed alot, he does everything with us (most). But recently I gradually see him going back, he still spends time with us but I'm finding that he's back to waking up to the computer going to bed to the computer, we go to bed and he doesn't pay any attention to me, he's too tired, UNTIL he wants something. He says he's not doing this and thinks I'm wrong, I realize he needs the computer for work that's how he finds his work and he has to be quick because deals some and go VERY quickly so you always have to be ready but to me there comes a time to say ok if the deal wasn't here earlier then it wasn't meant to be. It really hurts because we talked about this and he promised he wouldn't do this again, I do feel resentful that I believed him and gave up EVERYTHING to be by his side. He always tells me he loves me (we both work from home) and when he's doing "other" things than spending time with me he tells me he loves me and gives me quick hugs but I never get the oh I'll do this later, or I'll call him later and these aren't important things, they are just things he wants to do, i understand if he's working, I know that he has changed A LOT so am I being too sensitive? All I ask is that we do what we used to, spend more quality time together, go to bed cuddle, play, not only when he wants something. Thanks

sheshell · Newbie Joined: 11 Dec 2006 Posts: 10

My husband goes and goes, but he doesn't see it. I'll say something about it and he says "Where have I been?" And I'll name off everyday where he has been and he still does not see it. When he left last night to go play pool after a whole week of not being around, I had had it. But I was not going to say anything, but then I thought I will try to say it calmly, not with anger. I got out 4 words and he flew off the handle and left. He comes home after I'm asleep, and when I woke up this morning he is hugging me and I guess expects me to be affectionate. But I can't. I didn't even want to talk to him. I just really don't know what to do anymore. I bend over backwards to make him happy and for what?

sheshell · Newbie Joined: 11 Dec 2006 Posts: 10

Now he's leaving me, he says he has had it. I don't want my marriage to fall apart, so what do I do?

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Sheshell-I feel for you and what you are going thru. Do you have a church home that you feel you can go to? Talking to a pastor who is versed in counseling would help you and advise you. Something is going on with your husband . Take care of yourself and your family. Let him cool down. I lift you and your spouse up in prayer that you both will come thru this. Talking to your pastor if not the both of you.-You go. In Jesus name, I pray for your marriage, don't give up. JO-jo

arianna · Newbie Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 1

hello,
i have been married for 9yrs and five years ago i migreated and both my husband and i commited infidilty. every since we have been trying to make things work we seperated twice and i keep coming back right now i came back again and whithin a month he said this marriage is not working he is nmiserable he do not love me any more. and he think he would be better off apart. i look him in the eyes and said i am not giving the devil the satistfaction i am here to make my marriage work i beleive god can change things around he said he has forgiven me but our trust have been broken. well i am not giving up i ask him if we can go get help he said he knows his bible theres no preacher or no counslor that can change his minnd he just do not love me and get it stright.

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