Growthtrac Community

Please forgive me. I thought I was posting a new topic but it was put under as a reply. I'm a bit nervous about posting on a site. My posting is under "Please give me your honest opinion" Jan 9, 2008. I'm RJ. Not as stupid as this seems to make me, at least I hope not. I would really appreciate anyones comments. Thanks

Welcome RJ -

I searched, but your other post isn't showing for some reason.

Can you repost your question here? I'll be happy to reply.

I am totally new to this. I'm just trying to see what other people might have to say on this. I have been married for 33 years. In 2006, after a routine exam I had to have a biopsy done. It revealed that I had a mild form of a sexually-transmitted disease. At first those words did not register. When my husband came home from work, I just stood there and asked him had he cheated on me. That silence was so loud. He admitted that he had several affairs which ended in 1981. This first one happened when we had only been married 6 months. He's had a serious problem with porn for years. He kept promising to quit - to reform. I would catch him through the computer history. During those years he would pick up women in bars (dance with them, buy them drinks, etc). One time he went to Az. for a 10 week school and had affairs with about 5-6 women. One woman was at the last 3 weeks of his stay there that he says made him DATE her. Made him? This was is May, 1981. He then called her when he was back home several months later to see how she was.(Ugh) She had gotten married. She was getting a divorce at the time and was planning on marrying this guy, but just wasn't sure. She was 34, my husband was 27. She wasn't too happy to hear from my husband during this last phone call. Later in 1982, he was back in AZ. driving around and went by her house. He says it was sexual addiction that caused him to live a secret life. When I had my biopsy in 2006, he went out of town to a mtg. While he was there he went to an adult porn store. This was before I was made aware of his affairs. To know him now you would not believe this of him. He says the physical affairs stopped in 1981. He says his addiction to porn has also stopped because he knows he had better get his life back on track for the Lord (yes, he is a Christian) or the Lord will deal with him severely. He never wanted me to know because that was during a different time in his life and he has tried to do what was right. He still had a problem with porn but figured that was more private. Porn stores private? He says he cherishes our marriage and that I am very dear to him and that I am his life. I will say he has changed through the years and is not the same as when he was younger. (Totally selfish) No one knows about this. I do not want our children hurt. We live in an area where word gets around. I do not want to live where people would pity me. He is trying very hard. I have told him that one more time of ANYTHING of that sort and that's it. I know it has been a long time since the physical affairs but sometimes it feels like yesterday. I've gotten very good at pushing the thoughts away but worry that I am only pushing and not dealing. The Lord has been wonderful in giving me strength to get through this. It's been almost 1 1/2 years since the discovery and I am trying to get through each day without some thought of it. That hasn't totally happened yet. Too many triggers. I just feel like he's getting away with it all. I am just afraid that since I have tried to go on with the marriage and have not made him pay a price that he might repeat his wrongs. Where are his consequences? I am the one who is having to deal with all this. There are so many levels to it. He says he is hurting when he thinks of what he has done to me and our marriage. Somehow that's just not enough. He knows I do not trust him. I told him what really hurts too is that I feel like a fool thinking we had a good marriage and it was all lies. He was living two different lives. He has been very repentive and broken. I just wish i could get past wanting to hurt him too. I am in no way going to have an affair. That goes totally against my nature. Mainly, I have to stand before the Lord about my actions. I know the Lord can help us through this, I just needed to spill the beans to someone. Have another person's insight. Sorry so long winded. Thanks -RJ-

First, welcome. We're all so glad you have joined us at GT Community.

Your husband has had an opportunity to live a lie for over 25 years and put it behind him. You just discovered this lie about 1 1/2 years ago. So, no wonder it is so fresh and painful to you.

I've gotten very good at pushing the thoughts away but worry that I am only pushing and not dealing.

Have you by yourself gone for any kind of counseling?
Have you as a couple gone for any kind of marital counseling?

Has your husband gone for any kind of counseling to deal with her pornography addiction and sexual addiction?

Stuff like this needs to be dealt with, not just pushed away in hopes that what's under the rug stays there. Unfortunately, it has a way of seeping out eventually in one form or another. Or it becomes this huge pile in the middle of the room that you can't tip-toe around anymore.

I am a married woman of 31 years. My husband and I have had many ups and downs, as most couples do. But, the one thing we learned early on was - it's better to get professional counseling and work through our junk. It's made our marriage stronger as well as growing our relationship with Christ.

Click on this link below - it will take you to a miriad of articles and information on sexual addiction, affairs and pornography within Growthtrac. A lot of reading there - but there is one book that many women love who have been through this with their husbands called Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn. I pray that it is something you can pick up and read.

If your husband is sincere about healing your relationship, growing in his relationship with Christ and getting help for his pornography, he will not blame you for one moment of his behavior and he will go with you to see a counselor.

http://www.growthtrac.com/special/pornography/

Thank you so much SAM. It's great having someone to talk this over with. My husband took a Christian-based program over the internet which helped him see that indeed he had a problem, even with porn. He had thought that since it was over the computer it was just private as I said before. He knows now that there is NO room for that in our marriage. He wants to go to counseling, even begging me. Anything that will help me. He is willing to do whatever it takes. My worry is finding the right counselor. I've heard there can be bad ones out there. What is so strange is I do not hate him. I just have trouble trusting him. What got him too was that I told him I had lost my best friend, someone whom I had felt safe with. He does not blame me at all. He knows it's all him. As i have said before, I always felt that we had a good marriage. It was quite a shock to find out about his lies. We've always ( I thought) could talk and laugh about everything. Since 1981, (the affairs) he says he has lived with the fear of losing me. I find it amazing that God let me find out about all of this. Is it hard? Yes!!!!!!! Would given the choice I wish I still did not know? No!!!!! I'm glad I know. It's made him able to come clean and hopefully show him what he might lose unless he walks the straight and narrow. I have warned him there are no second chances on this. I am trying because our Lord tells us to forgive if someone asks for forgiveness. But that does not mean we are to be doormats. Oh ! This is so good for me. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to talk (type) this out. It's what I have needed. Just someone to listen. Is there anyway I can get a copy of Every Heart Restored without going to a bookstore? Thank you again SAM. -RJ-

You are more than welcome -

Sometimes is can take a bit of time to find the right counselor.
There is a ministry called Faithful and True that has helped many men and women like your husband and yourself.

http://faithfulandtrueministries.com/

My husband and I had an opportunity to hear the founder and his wife speak at a retreat we went to a few years ago. They are awesome! Perhaps, if you call, they may have a counseling referral for you in your area that is specific to your needs.

Yes, we are called to forgive - but it is a daily process. However, God does not tell us to forget what has happened because that is self-preservation and protection from further harm.