Cheating husband

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

I recently found out my husband has cheated on me with four diffrent women. One of them he had casual sex with 5 times and two others weere just a one night stand he picked up at a bar and the last one was a prostitue he had sex with this past Dec. I am so devestated.... I have always been there for him sexually and he has been far away from God for a long time. ... He finally came clean after hiding this for about 18 monthes.... I knew he was struggling with a porn addiction I was trying to help him over come but I had no idea it was this bad. It hurts so bad becuase the fist gilr he cheated on me with was married and had a child to. He was away at a miliitary training for four months but I packed our two kids in the care evry other weekend to go see him and I had no idea we sleot in the same bed... I feel so sick and sad... I never seen this coming.... The relationsip between the nhe said was just an arrangement ot have sex... But he said the lat two times they were togther she said she loved him:( he said he loved me?????????? and she cried .... and he sais that was the last time they spoke. The other two he picked up at a bar were where we live now >>> and the prostitue right down the road from our home. one of the girls he did not tell he was married and he took off his ring... I have cried so much... I am glad I know now...He cam clean after I asked to pray for him about his lying and hiding the porn and as I was praying he said his back started to burn and he started feeling weird and he said God keot telling him to tell me but he was scared to.. after we were done praying I felt I needed to ask him if he cheated on me and that is where he said yes. I was shocked....really shocked... He was deployed for 16 monthes and I never thought about cheating on him... andthe really hard thing is when he did cheat on me I was able to see him and I did and he was doing it when i would go back home with the kids not when he was deployed ...... He says he is going ot change and he has been praying and he called our pastor for counsoling he says he did not realize what he was doing and how it would affect his family. Until now he says and he thinks about what he did it is like it was not him ??????? He said it was like he was living to lives. He says he does love me but as you can imagin it is hard for me to believe ???? anyone been through anything like ????????/I f so please respond and pray .....

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2132 Location: Chicago

There is more than a pornography addiction going on, there is also a sexual addiction. Also, alchohol could be a contributing factor. Just something to think about. Your pastor may be able to help some, but many pastors do not have the necessary training/skills to handle the seriousness of this issue. Here's some information for counseling, affairs and pornography addiction -
http://www.growthtrac.com/special/pornography/
http://www.growthtrac.com/special/counseling/
http://www.growthtrac.com/special/affair/

I know this has to be deeply painful. There are two things that need to occur, he has to be willing to go with you to the doctor for a STD and HIV test. Pure and simple, no excuses. Until he does, do not have unprotected sex with him.

Second, he has to be willing to do everything you ask of him. Couples counseling is going to be needed as well as individual counseling. He has to be willing to answer all phone calls and tell you exactly where he is and when he will be home. He needs to make no excuses and show you a heart that is truly repentant. Also, no more going to the bars. It's only a place for reducing inhibitions and increasing temptation.

I am an Army brat. I saw the difficulty my parents experienced with long separations and the toll it took on their marriage. Also, many of his comrades probably think this is OK behavior and may even encourage it. He could have been going along with the buddies.

Until he can get his emotional and spiritual issues dealt with and start walking diligently toward Christ, it is going to be a long and difficult road. He may need in-house strategic counseling where he goes away for 30-60 days for intense therapy. Know that Christ is walking beside you every step of the way. He is your heavenly husband when your earthly husband does not know how.

I read a lot and always have books to recommend. They are not the cure all to your problems, but may still be helpful.

Experience Christ Together by Neil T. Anderson.
Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn (has to deal with pornography)
Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn
Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn

My heart and prayers go out to you. This is not an easy time for any of our men and families who are in the military. I have prayed for you and your family this afternoon.

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

Thanks so much for your reply.. Since he is in the millitary there is no way he can go away like that I wish he could it would be good for him. Plus him being in them millitary he s tested for hiv and aids yearly. I feel so sick I want to belive this is a very bad dream and thta I am about to wake up. I t is so hard to look at him and he gets angry becasue he wants me to give him soem comfort that I cannot do. Thanks so much for your prayers. Gos will continue to give me strength.

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

Yes, My husband keeps asking me why am I am critical of him.. And why can I not just lt him have peace... We plan on seeing a counslour to. He calls me the accuser..... I do not understand him he says I have all kinds of people on myside and he is the one left in the cold.. I am s angry and I know that does not come from God but it is hard not to have it. He is really seeking God and I hope he continues to he says all I do is make him feel worse about it when I want to talk about it. How am I going to heal thn he said. I am making it worse on myself and not letting anything heal. I want to just cry but I have cried so much I do not think thre are any tears left. He says he is very sxually satisfied with and always has been . He says he dos not know why he has done these things. He knows that is it really bad and he does not want to loose our family. Now he says I do not hav his best intrst at heart what is his issue he did this to me... God please help me ....

blessed · Newbie Joined: 21 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Aprild, I understand exactly what you are going through. My husband also tried to turn the tables around when he was caught doing his wrong things. Instead of repenting he blamed me. I either snooped around too much or was talking too much. It was never his fault, he refused to be accountable. Please don't turn on u'rself as well. I know I did that, you know that feeling that maybe if I did this or that he wouldn't have done that!! No, no, whatever he has done he has to be fully accountable. That will help him heal and can help restore your marriage. Excuses will only make things worse. I know it did that to my marriage.

You have to turn fully to God thru our Lord Jesus for strength. When you remember who you are in Christ, you can handle anything for we can do all things through Him! I'm going through quite a tough time at the moment but you won't believe it if you'd see me (most of the time anyway! I still have my down moments). It can only be God because in the natural I don't have a very good pain threshold. If I wasn't a child of God I don't know what I would have done! At such a time as this, pls work on getting closer to Him. He'll give you strength like you won't believe.

As for hubby, Sam is right. He has to answer calls when you call and account for his time when asked to, he must show the fruit of his repentance otherwise he's playing games. Ask the Lord to guide you, if there's true repentance your marriage can be restored! Every heart restored is an excellent book, it gives a lot of info re: pornorgraphy and its effect, how to deal with issues. My husband has a problem with it too. I must confess I stopped reading it when I asked him to move out. But I've read quite a large portion and its really good.

REMEMBER, THROUGH IT ALL GOD IS ALWAYS ON THE THRONE!! I'll hold you in my prayers.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2132 Location: Chicago

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

I am so confused about my feelings.... Some times I want to just say forget it and walk away. I called to set up an appointment with a christian counsolour tommrow and I think we need to go so bad... I do not know where to even begin how I am feeling now. I want revenge but I know God does not want me to do that. But yet on the other hand i want to be close to my huband he came and got in the bed with me when i was sleeping and i woke up and he was holding me ... I have to admit it felt nice and i misssed it but yet again i was sad and hurt. alos I have been feeling very sexual lately and I am not sure how to deal with that.. What is wrong with me how can I look at him that way aftr all he has done to me... I just hung up on him and turned off my phone because I told him I still felt like I did not know everything and he said that is your problem right now I am at work.... WHAT !!!! that is crap... I think it is like you said sam he needs to take responsiblity and I do belive he is just wanting things back to normal ... hahaha they were never normal... My anger is over taking me in so many ways... I feel strongly I was him to reall pay for what he has done ... He could get kicked out of the millitary and he says that will be dumb on your part cause who will take care of our kids they are 2 and 5..... I got to think of them Iam so angry and he says I am only making it worse by keeping bringing it up i am not letting us to start to heal.... Some of the qustions I asked him he said he did not remember.... Besides the prostitute the others weere about 18 monthes ago so he says he blocked it somuch he does not reember.... I dont know he has answerd alot of my questions but he says it only makes you want to hate me more... I said I have a right to know...... I KNOW i NEED TO START WORKING ON HEALING HARD..... I feel so sick all the time thinking about the details the images play through my mind like a horror movie.... He says he loves me and our family and nevere wabnted to do anything to loose us.... and he says he knows what he did is horrible and will tkae time to heal. to an extent he is really seeking God but yet again like sam says h is calling me that accuser and telling me know one is on his side everyone hates him.. He even gets mad at me for being on here exspressing my feelings about it.... He said I wasnt everyone to feel sorry for me... What is wrong with him....... God GIVE ME STRENGTH TO DO THE RIGHT THING....

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2132 Location: Chicago

Your feelings are not unusual and quite normal. Again, nothing is going to be resolved without help from a counselor.

Getting revenge and getting even - how will that show Christ's love to your husband? Take a deep breath and think about it. What do you want to show him about Christ in you that will have the potential to change how he thinks about you and your marriage for the positive?

PS - Calling him at work to discuss your stuff is not good and making threats will not work either.

Lastly, even though you have been deeply hurt - who are you telling? Every friend and family member really should not know about this. It is between you and your husband. Only trusted Christian friends who you know have the ability to lift your marriage up in prayer and have the compacity to forgive as Christ does, should really know about your circumstances. That is tearing down your husband in the eyes of your family members and friends. That is not good if that is happening.

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

The only people I have told are my best two friends who have been praying for us and trying toi help me through this he told his dad which old his mom... I am trying to be loving and be the way Christ would have me to be but honestly it is very hard....Am I just suppose to sit around and not say anything I do not know what to do or say when I am around him. Because I do not want it to seem like I just letting it go but yet I do not want to have a horrible argument every time either. I know revenge is not the way to go and I am fighting my flesh about that. But hearing sexual addiction and porn addiction scares me and makes me want to just breakdown and cry again.... He says he loves me and wants me but why why why???? Did this happen if that is true????? I want ot be happy I do not desreve this..At first I was very strong God was giving me so much stregth and lately the more time goes by the worse I become what happend to my strength I know it is still there and I know God is there but why am I losing myself in all this I am not a very angry mean person who seeks revenge this is just destroying everything and I am so mad at him for doing it...He says he is truely sorry and he will do what evere he can to make it better ... What do I do now ?????

All4Him · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 5 Location: US

My dear, remember always that God is with you always. When there seems to be so much going against you, rest in His embrace! I have been where you are now. God was my only strength through it all. It is an emotional, mental and at times spiritual struggle; yet do not let go of your faith in God. Its okay to cry out to Him and let Him know the anger you feel. He is your Heavenly Father and will show you His will in it all. I will keep you in my prayers.

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

There are sexual issues I have always faced. I was sexually abused when I was growing up so sexuality has always been a veruy difficult thing for me and to deal with. Ny father was a bad father who left so I have nevere had a really good relatioship with men. Then when I was 19 I was raped then again at 22. So my sexuality and sexual things really bother me and dealing with them .I did not want to reall air all this but I feel I need to . What u said about you had commited a sin against your hubby well so did I am the pastor said, exactly what u said that no sin is greater than another. And you both are right. But all i can think is four women and one man, It does not make it right and I am so eberasses at righting ll this one here but yet again it feels good to vent and just type all this down. My husbands lying and hiding things has been during our whole marriage of three years .. We only dated a little over a minth before we got marrid we were both engaged ot other people my ex was in Iraq and his was in Ny at school. We both really fell hesad over hills anf brooke it off with the other people to be togther but during our dating time I did catch him in a couple of lies... Maybe some of theses things have to do with why all this happend.... What do you think??????? He was cheating on this girl wi th me and he had cheated on her with others.... I did the same ... I am so ashamed I knew better ...But God has forgiven me I know but maybe if things would havee been diffrent butthey can not be changed now... I have ot pick up the pieces go to God and pray....

I have to admit something and this ie very difficult becuase it is in my past and God has forgivne me like he has my husband but I had an affair not long after we were marrid and I was pregnant with our son it was my ex fiance and he had just cam back from war, I have no idea why I did it an I am very ashamed but I do not want to make myself look like i am completely innocent here . because I am not I have never conntacted him again...

I would love to go away but I cna notwith our kids here since my husband in in the millitary we have no one ot watch them... our family is far away so that does not help plus my oldest has school..

All4Him · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 5 Location: US

My dear, I come from a similiar background. I was molested as a child, raped as a teenager, and had sex with my ex-husband before we were married. During our 19 years of marriage, he had numerous affairs, yet I made the mistakes of failing to confront him, shielded him from emotional pain and never allowed him to know the natural consequences of infidelity, adultery, and fornication. I told no one, shielding him again by thinking I'm preserving his reputation. The marital permissiveness of excuses or the instinctively reaction of trying to understand, to explain, to forgive, or to ignore the adultery occurring permitted the disloyal behavior to continue unchecked. His behavior is selfishness and a sin. We tend to shield our spouses from the consequences of infidelty. As Dr. Dobson said, "If there is anything that an adulterer does not need, it is a guilt-ridden mate who 'understands' his indiscretion and 'assumes' the blame for it. Such a person (referring to your husband) needs to be called to accountability, not excused by rationalization! The psychological consequences of sinful behavior should be experienced by the guilty."
The lure of infidelity is an addiction to individuals who has a chink in his moral armor. Psychologically, he needs the thrill of the chase, the clandistine meetings, the forbidden fruit, an discovery. You must be committed to the concept of Love must be tough. That is an ultimatum that demands a specific response and results in a consequence.

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

Wow what u said about the forbidden fruit and the thrill of the chase is the exact things he said to me that he felt when he did it..... And the other things you said I did not understand.... What do I do ?????????

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

Also I am not really sure if he has any moral beliefs h all the time tells me my morals are to high ...... And he has never met any one as moral as me .... God help me ..... I am hurting so bad this big mountain is so huge ....

All4Him · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 5 Location: US

One thing, stop making excuses for his actions. Stop trying to understand his behavior or explain his behavior. Stop concealing the truth to perserve his reputation. Stop taking the blame. Stop shielding him from the emotional pain or guilty feelings of his sinful behavior. Don't instantly forgive and forget his behavior, instead hold him accountable. He needs to man up to his behavior, his choices, his responsibilities.

I know the pain you are feeling, the betrayal, the waves of emotions that scale from one end to the other; but if at all possible don't resort to the ways of manipulation: manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement.

Stop the begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing, and playing the role of a doormat.

Another recommendation, (this helped alot during my time of despair and emotional roller-coaster) get the book by Dr. James Dobson-Love Must Be Tough. You will see that you are not alone in all the emotions, the questions, and that in it all...God is still in control.

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