Can Open - Worms Everywhere!!!

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:57 am Post subject: Can Open - Worms Everywhere!!!

I got a phone call last night from a friend of mine. Her husband is on the fire department. My husband is the fire chief. She called me to tell me that she had heard that my husband was involved with someone from her husband. She wanted me to know. I could tell her intentions were good. She was gently trying to protect me-not gossip or hurt me. I told her that I already knew and that we were working on rescuing our marriage. I told her my husband was in counseling and going to church and that the affair had ended.

The problem is that now everyone knows, or thinks they know and I am so embarrassed. I feel so bad for my husband. He really was in a position where others looked up to him and respected him. I am so sad that this sin has tainted his reputation. He said he is going to go to his board members and talk to them before they hear it elsewhere. He is going to talk to his firefighters at the next training meeting to confess and dispel any rumors. But it's out there! I'm just heartsick.

People are going to look at my huband differently. People are going to look at me with pity. People are going to look at and talk about the other woman. What a mess!!

This is a small town and bad news travels like wildfire. My husband says that everyone will see that he was human, he made a huge mistake but that he is man enough to make it right. That he and I are staying together and working this out. I'm blessed that he has the courage to show everyone that he is getting his life on track and that he is doing what is right. It's not always easy but I love him and I am honored to be his wife. Maybe this will bring us closer together. Only God knows.

In truth, this whole situation has been so isolating. For months I have felt like letting anyone know that we are struggling would be too embarrassing and will hurt him in his life and his career. I have wanted to protect him from this as much as possible. Perhaps this will be a blessing in the long run.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

God has a way of bringing our personal darkness (sin) into the light.

As hard as this is for others to know your business, how your husband seems to be responding, will speak more volumes about Christ in your lives than anything else. I believe it will have the potential of deeply impacting other marriages if you get this right together. And, it appears that you are working toward doing that.

This situation can and will touch the hearts of others. They will know that marriages can work out and survive in the midst of tragedy. Hold your head high, do not look down in shame when others wants to gossip. If they wish to pity, than that is their choice. If someone approaches you, thank them quickly for their concern and do not give them any detailed explanation other than saying, "we are doing well." Ask God to prepare you and give you the strength when these situations occur so you are able to give others hope for their marriages.

You continue to be in my prayers.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 59

Jean, like SAM, I will hold you and your H in my prayers.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Oh my dearest Jeannie!!!!

Remember one thing, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I believe people will see you as a strong woman of faith. You cannot tell me that you and your husband are the only ones going through something like this in that town. No way!!!!!! I love the way you say your husband is going to handle this situation. God has allowed this for some reason, Jeannie. I can only believe that it is to show others through the two of you how God can restore a marriage that has been through the fire. All of us here will be praying so mightily for the both of you.

Keep the faith, dear sister. You never know what blessings may be down the road.

Luv ya, -RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject:

My prayer right now is that God will use me.. That this will speak to other couples hurting or feeling all alone.

But small towns can be brutal. My fear is that people will pity me - or judge everything I do as the reason why my husband strayed. Examples: If I don't help out with a FD fundraiser- "Oh, well, she doesn't support her husband." If I go to the store with no makeup, "Well look at her! No wonder he looked elsewhere!" I know it is petty, but I'm scared. Oh and the pity! That anyone would see me as too weak or pathetic or that I allow this in my life. I know it is foolish, but after last night, I wonder how many people knew-and for how long! How many people have shaken their heads, and whispered about this.

May God use this to bless others (or may He open up a whole in the ground for me to climb into!) just kidding Embarassed

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 84

Dear Jeannie, I am sending you virtual hugs.

Like you, I had kept the knowledge of my H's infidelity totally to myself. I didn't tell a soul. There were days when I wanted to share the pain to ease the loneliness - but I never did. I found out about his relationship with his Christian co-worker in Sept 2006. I felt inadequate, unlovely, embarrassed, rejected, unworthy, disrespected....... BUT I knew how important it was to my H that his reputation as a missionary wasn't soiled. There was no way I was going to spill any beans (or open any worm cans!!)

Then earlier this year someone else (we still don't know who) disclosed what they knew. The sin came partially into the open (though the few people that know are still operating discretely in 'damage limitation' mode, which is as my H wants it).

In truth, the healing process couldn't have begun until light exposed the darkest recesses. That was three months ago. God is using the circumstances to teach us both and shape us for the future. We know our marriage will never be the same again. We cling to God's promise that it will be different but better because, if we handle this humbly and honestly, our shared testimony can minister to others. Reading your latest post, I sense that God will be glorified by you and your husband as you handle your own similar situation. Praying fervently for the two of you and the two of us! Smile

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 117

Jeannie,
I know how hard this is, I have been there. My husband had the affair with a woman that went to the same church as us. It finally came out, and my husband felt he had to get up in front of the congregation and confess to everyone what he had done and ask for their forgiveness. I believe it was probably the hardest thing he has ever had to do, with the exception of having to tell me maybe. I know I was terrified of everybody finding out too. What would they think of me? Everybody would think I had to be a terrible wife. It took a lot of prayer and a lot of studying to get past my humiliation, but I did. No matter what anybody may say or think, you know this was a problem within your husband and not with you. It turned out that my husband's sin being exposed became a very positive thing. First off it helped him heal. He was able to confess his sin and let people know he was doing his best to make his life right. The devil loves the darkness, having the sin brought into the light takes away the fantasy as well as the temptation. I realized too that now my husband had other people he was accountable to, not just me, and I couldn't help but think that the more consequences there were to his sin, the less likely it would be that this would happen in the future. I think it helped our children and me to heal too to hear him sincerely confessing it to everybody. Secondly, two marriage classes were started, one at the church we used to attend, where the affair took place and another one at the church where we go now. Both were started by couples that are very close to my husband and me. These couples say they would have never gone and been trained in being leaders of these marriage courses if it hadn't been for mine and my husband's situation. My husband and I attended the marriage course at the church where we go now. We became much closer as a result of it and witnessed two couples that were on the brink of divorce grow in love and become determined to save their marriages. It was wonderful! We were able to witness how these marriages were indirectly influenced by our trials. Thirdly, one person in particular who is normally very judgmental has called me a couple of times and has told me I am handling this a lot better than she ever could! That in and of itself was a miracle to me! Several people have told me how amazed they are by my strength and my forgiveness (including the OW's husband). This gave me the opportunity to give God the glory and make sure they understood where the strength and forgiveness comes from.

I know you feel overwhelmed right now, but remember this is not something you caused. You have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed. If people pity you, it is because they know how devastated they would be if it happened to them. I think mine and my husband's situation hit people hard because everyone thought we were the perfect couple. I even thought so!! Razz

The only negative I've really experienced from our situation becoming public is that some of our friends have distanced themselves from us, but I believe they are just very uncomfortable. I believe some are afraid this could happen to them, and they don't want to get too close to us because it could be contagious! I think others just don't know what to say, and besides that they know the OW and her husband, so it is just really very awkward. Anyway, my husband and I are going on about our life, working on our marriage, and in a way it makes us feel like it's the two of us against the world. It has united us even more. He has told me I am the only true friend he has! A situation like this does show you who your true friends are.

You will survive this, and you will both become stronger because of it. Other people will be inspired by your strength and forgiveness and by both your husband and your dedication to each other. Sure there will be a few who will think you should have thrown him out, but we know what God wants, and that is all we should be worried about. This is our opportunity to tell people that, just like you have done before in your posts. You are a strong person. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I am praying for you.
1Peter 3:14-17:

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:06 am Post subject:

Wow! All these replies have really hit me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

God does take our pain and use it for his good. It gives us a story and the ability to relate to others in amazing ways.

I came across this verse this morning. Your husband is God's child. When we do something wrong as his children, there are consequences for our choices.

Hebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 84

How much we have in common - as well as our love of the Lord, we had what others perceived as almost perfect marriages. In my very first post to this forum in June 2007, I wrote:

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:43 am Post subject:

My dear friend, secured (RJ) just sent me a message suggesting that maybe the devil is working his hardest to stir up some heartache since my husband and I are going to a Christian marriage conference this weekend. In the past 2 hours I have gotten phone call after phone call, email after email from the rumor mill. I feel sick.

I'm moving to Tiajuana
Crying or Very sad

just kidding

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:49 am Post subject:

Oh my. that sounded/looked pathetic after I posted it. Where is my faith? I just didn't think the news would spread so quickly.

I am so blessed to have this forum to receive support, give support and quell my fears. I just wanted to keep the "news" here and not out in public. I thank you all for your prayers. I think I'm going to go cry and pray for a while.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 59

(((Jean))) I expect Satan realizes he is losing control of your husband's soul and thereby losing any chance of getting to you through your husband.

I visualize the devil being FRANTIC!!!!! "Oh no, I'm losing another soul." Well, okay, maybe the devil wouldn't say "Oh no!".

I am chuckling to myself as I visualize Satan's frantic running around. Perhaps, if you can take deep breaths to calm yourself, you too can see the humor. Like watching the "Roadrunner" scurrying about. I don't mean to make light of your pain, I know it is horrid.

I will pray for peace of mind and a settled heart, for you.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 94

Jeanie,

I to live in a small town. My husband is so proud of the fact that he is living with another woman. He takes her all over town she has been calling his work from day one. It breaks my heart. People know the people I work with come in all the time and tell me about seeing them together.
We are divorced now but this has been going on from day one. I just got a report today that while we were still living together he hadf taken her to a friend of our house(a man) and they had sex together while he was there.
I know people think I am crazy because I am Standing for my marriage even though in the eyes of the world it is over with.
But the way of man is not the way of God and God has directed me to Stand.
Please do not be discouraged. Let the person that is without sin cast the first stone.
Go to church do all the things you have always done.
Be happy and proud God has restored your marriage. You are truely blessed of God.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Either you have a ton of friends who are truly concerned for you, or we need to burn everyone's tongue at the stake. Laughing

I just looked up the word "tongue" on biblegateway.com and it came up with 137 verses. Ah, what damage the tongue can do.

I am praying this afternoon over each of your posts and will continue to pray for each of your marriages.

Lean on the Lord. He's the source of your strength through this difficult time. And, His light will shine through you when you tell the "tongue waggers" sending all the e-mails and making the phone calls that you appreciate their concern, you've known about the affair, and you will be sticking by your husband's side and working to heal your marriage because that's what God wants you to do.

After that, I would say, " I have to go - I'm busy. "

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