Can Open - Worms Everywhere!!!

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

Thank you for the cyberhugs, Fishi, I need them! I realized the same thing too. I never thought I put my husband before God, but in looking back, maybe I did. I know I had an awful lot of faith in my husband and leaned on him a lot, but after learning about the affair I quickly realized that God is the only one I can depend on. Humans all have the potential to let me down, but God never will. I realized that even if I did end up losing my husband, God would always be there for me. That was such a comfort. This situation has definitely been a wake up call for me, and as crazy as it may sound, I like myself now better than I ever have. I had to defend myself in my own mind and realized I am not a bad person. I am a child of God. I'm not perfect but I'm forgiven through Christ. What else can I ask for? I am blessed.

This forum is definitely a blessing. Thank you for all your encouragement Fishi, RJ, Jeannie & SAM!! I'm glad you are still here too, Eligirl! I am praying for all of us.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 152

Oh gosh, fishi, "spitfire"?, "pistol"? Is that good? Thank you for putting the word "grin" there. I laughed out loud when I read that. So much so that my husband later said it was so good to here me laugh like that. He is so thankful for everyone here on this forum. He knows that each one of you is such a God-send to me. He doesn't know anything about any of you, just thinks it's wonderful that we try to minister and uplift one another.

Yep, I was guilty of the "pedestal" effect too. Just like ya'll, I leaned on and trusted my husband to the max. I just thought that was part of the "being one" in a marriage. I never in my wildest dreams (nightmares) would have ever believed this would have happened to us and our marriage. Like you Charity, I found out what I am made of. I found out about my true character, and I like what I see. When we've been through the fire and come out still in one piece there's a certain amount of self-respect that's never been there before. Of course, it's all totally due to our precious Lord that we have survived. We are what you might call - refined gold.

Can we even imagine, Charity, what our husbands truly think of us now? We are different people now than we were before D-day. We are "Worthy Women", as in Proverbs 31:10-31.

Charity, my heart goes out to the husband who is so crushed. My prayer is that he would at least go to counseling for himself. I pray also that he could find a place to go to like Growthtrac. Tell you the truth, I'm a little afraid for the OW. As we all know, God will not be mocked. If she is a true child of His, he will discipline her. If she is not, well, we know what the wages of sin is. I will pray that her eyes will be opened to the truth of what she has done and truly repents.

SAM, thanks for your encouragement. You uplift us when we need it the most. You are an angel!

Elligirl, we've missed you. Talk to us when you can. We're here.

Jeannie, keep me sane, dear sister.

fishi, thanks for the cleansing laugh. You're a hoot!!

You're all such treasures.

Luv to all, -RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 7:03 am Post subject:

Wow, Charity! It is amazing how parallel the lives of folks who come to this forum can run.

My husband's first affair partner remarried a wonderful guy in our church. I saw her every Sunday. She was always friendly to my husband, to my in-laws and she always snubbed me. She had been my best friend since elementary school. When her 1st husband left her I did everything I could to help. I picked up her daughter from school. They ate dinner at my house every night. My husband helped her find a new place to live. I wasn't aware at the time that they had been involved for months prior to her husband leaving. I wasn't a Christian during their affair. I wasn't until 4 or 5 years later-but when I went to church-there she was. When I went up for the alter call that first time at church-she came up front and prayed with me. She never said she was sorry. She never asked for forgiveness but I did forgive her at that time. After that "moment" she still snubbed me at church. But it didn't matter anymore. I had forgiven her. I had released her, in a sense and forgiveness is not acceptance.

My husband's 3rd affair partner I sent her a card telling her that I forgive her completely and I wished that she would find happiness and comfort in our Savior. I sent it once their affair had ended. She called me when she received it and wanted to talk-just as friends. I told her that I did forgive her and I wish her the best, but I could not accept her into my life and I wasn't comfortable with the conversation. She called me a lot of nasty names, screamed and hung up on me.

I am so grateful for God's grace. I can't imagine how bitter and twisted my heart and spirit would be without His amazing love.

I worry, too, that I put my husband on a pedestal. I don't worship him by any stretch but I do question how much I rely on and look up to him. I always believed that if I looked up to him he would strive to be someone I could look up too. Sadly, that hasn't been the case. I keep going back to the scripture Ephesions 5:22-28

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

Jeannie,
It is amazing how our lives parallel. I was devastated that the man I trusted most in the world could do this to me, but then to have it happen at Church of all places, I felt like the whole foundation of my life was completely gone. I like what RJ said, we are like refined gold. We have definitely been through the fire, and the fact that we have all survived is truly a blessing from God. I, like you, have no problem with submission to my husband either. I always liked the fact that he was the head of the house and that I could depend on him without fear. That is something that is really hard for him to deal with about himself now, he realizes he let the whole family down. He was just as disappointed in himself as we were in him. Our children are grown now, but they really looked up to him. He fell from his pedestal. I told him that even though he failed, he taught them some very important lessons. They know now how infidelity hurts so many people, not just the two couples involved, so hopefully they will never do this to their own families, and they also see an example of what they need to do when they do sin. He didn't just give up and live a sinful life, he came back to God. He was definitely humbled. That in and of itself is a valuable lesson to all of us. God is a forgiving God. No matter how bad we are, he still loves us, forgives us and welcomes us back if we truly repent.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Ahh!!! "Submit" - the dirty five letter word in Christendom.

We must not forget the very first sentence of Ephesians 5:21 - it is put there for a reason.

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Submission is not a one-sided instruction to wives, it applies to husbands too.

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 8:35 am Post subject:

I can't entirely fault the church elders that she is still in that position.

I know that every church handles things differently. This OW asked for Charity's forgiveness-whether the asking was gunuine or not she did ask. She may have done the same with the pastor. If that is the case he may have chosen not to remove her from her position.

I was raised in an entirely different faith. It's openly debatable whether it was even a Chrisitan faith-I think it's a twisted version of Christianity. In my opinion it is so distorted that it has split too far to ever be considered Christian . When you committed a sin you went before the bishop of the church. If it was a "big" sin you went higher up the authoritative chain. That person would determine a time away from the church- a probation seperating you from your church family and from God's blessings. It was awful. I mean here you were trying to make things right and you felt/believed and were taught that God and the church had to withhold their love-sometimes for 3 months-sometimes for a year or more.

When I truly became a Christian I was AMAZED to find that God forgives. He doesn't put you on probation. When the prodigal returns the church welcomes you. It doesn't shun you.

I don't know if the OW in Charity's case was repentant. I don't know what was in her heart but I believe that there are many churches that if she asked for forgiveness or counselled with the pastor-they may allow her not to "lose her place" in her church family.

Just a thought
-j-

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 8:42 am Post subject:

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I agree wholeheartedly about the fine line of condemnation of sin. However, let's go back to scripture that was stated previously by Paul and stick with it. That is what needs to be our guide - not the rules of man.

What happens when a pastor falls into sin? He's often removed from the pulpit - sometimes permanently. Other times, there is a period of removal and eventually restoration. The same standard should also apply to any other member of the church body.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I agree that God puts the awesome and heavy responsibility on our husbands of being the head of the home. The most balanced interpretion of the word "head" is "fountainhead of life" or "source". Nowhere in scripture is the word "spiritual leader" used.

There is something that deeply bothers me as a woman and I had to go to God and ask for his forgiveness. I placed the awesome and heavy responsibility solely on my husband's shoulders of spiritual leadership in our home. Then I sat back and became dissolutioned when my husband didn't measure up. What I really did was set him up for failure instead of success.

The spiritual condition of my home and family falls equally on my shoulders as much as it does my husband's. If I fail to honor my part of this, it doesn't support my husband well and may even cause him to fall. I do defer to him when he feels strongly lead by the Holy Spirt. After all, the Holy Spirit speaks to my husband too, not just me.

When both of us are fully Christ -centered:

We bear equal responsibility for the spiritual condition of our marriage and home.

Each of us is called by God to develop intimacy with Him.

Each carries a powerful impact that the other cannot replace.

There is no passage in the Bible that tells women to limit or discontinue the manifestation of their spiritual gifts and insights in their homes and marriages.

If you go back and find a Bible where all of Christ's words are written in red, you will find that Christ lifts up women. His interaction with women was never to have them bow down to him as Savior or as a man, but to build them up with encouragment and self-worth so they became spiritually mature.

There is a story in 1 Samuel 25 which is the story of Nabal and Abigail with King David. Abigail was an effective counselor to the men in her life, working hard to prevent them from making rash moves. Scripture even says her husband was "ill-tempered". She saw the big picture and left plenty of room for God to get involved.

She left a lasting dynasty of spiritual maturity that lifted up her husband in the face of pour decisions, and in the process honored him and God. David was so impressed by her, that when her husband died, he married her.

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:01 pm Post subject:

I guess I'm not a "baby" Christian, but do consider myself a fairly young Christian-not in age-just experience. I spend time reading and trying to understand my bible. There are so many interpretations and study guides and I tend to lean on prayer more than any study aide. Otherwise, I get in over my head. When I go to Sunday school I often find myself in awe at the depth and understanding some folks have. They are such scholars! I get a little lost when they are studying the depth and richness of the Old Testement Priesthoods and tribes and I am still trying to figure out how to apply what I read in my daily life. Sometimes I have to catch myself and be reminded that there are numerous interpretations and applications of particular verses. Sam, you know far more than I and I am always open to learning something new. I'm getting the vibe that I am being chastened for my interpretation of that particular scripture I brought up and I apologize.

Sorry

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I am so sorry if I made you feel that way and I sincerely apologize. That was never my intent to jump down your throat. Yikes!

What I do want to do, is challenge everyone to pick up their bibles and read them instead of depending on what someone else says or what a pastor says.

Please don't take my word as gospel either - but go back to God's word. Disect it - look at several verses before a verse and after a verse to get the full picture of it's content.

www.biblegateway.com is a wonderful resource and provides many various versions of the Bible. You can look up one word like "tongue" and see how many verses there are that talk about our tongues. You can also click on one verse, then look down a little further and it gives you the context of what that means by looking at the prior verse and the verse thereafter.

I came from a background where I was always told to "accept" what came out of my pastor's mouth. Unfortunately, we were never encouraged to read God's word for the truth. So, I question alot now and challenge things. So I encourage you to read a little bit each day. And the more you read, the more you will understand.

There is a great book I picked up last year called "The Bible for Blockheads". It's pretty awesome in giving one a lot of background about each book of the bible, who wrote it, when and what the theme was. Then when you go back to read that book, it seems to come alive. Also, The Archeological Bible is awesome if you long to know about the places of the Bible and to capture it's history.

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:55 pm Post subject:

The Bible for Blockheads sounds like the perfect one for me! Laughing

I have a short attention span and I need the extra push.

Thanks, Sam! I just didn't want to offend you. I really respect your wisdom. You are awesome! Cool

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

I guess my whole problem with the OW going right back to teaching in the church was the fact that she never seemed to have any down time. My husband started falling away during the affair. He made excuses to miss worship services and distanced himself from taking part in the worship service such as teaching, leading prayer, etc. and distanced himself from the other members of the church as well. He was obviously struggling with his conscience. Then after the truth came out, he still had trouble feeling he could ever be worthy to participate again. You would think that after going against your own belief system that you would need some time to analyze what in the world happened to make you do a thing like that. I guess some people could say she had more faith than he did, and she believed right off the bat that God forgave her. That would be great, except that in talking to her, she made it clear she didn't believe she was at fault. "It just happened." She was "in a fog". She was "depressed." "What do you expect, he said . . ." She had all kinds of excuses. I shot each one of them down for her. That is why I said I thought it was a small victory when she finally admitted she would accept 50% of the responsibility. That was all I expected. They were both adults. I try really hard not to judge anybody, but the Bible in Matthew 7 does tell us that we can know people by their fruits, and her fruits were pretty corrupt. I never saw anything that seemed like remorse.

In regard to the husband being the head of the wife, I agree that not all of the responsibility of spiritual leadership falls on his shoulders. The woman was made to be man's helper, so we definitely have an equal share in the welfare of our marriage and our family. Most of the time the mother spends the most time with the children so she probably influences them more spiritually than the father does, but the bottom line is, the head guides the body, so it is our husband's responsibility to guide us in all areas of our life, including spiritually, and we are to submit to his guidance. I Corinthians 11:3 says that the head of every man is Christ, the head of the woman is man and the head of Christ is God. We are to respect our husbands (Ephesians 5:33), but we have to remember they are not God. I think what we were saying on this forum is that we were so wrapped up in our husbands that when they failed us we felt like we were floundering around. Now we realize where our ultimate strength and guidance comes from. God should always be our focus. He is the ultimate head. If He is at the center of our lives, everything else will revolve around Him. We were just saying we have learned the hard way who we can ultimately depend on and trust, no matter what, and that isn't our husbands. Hopefully we can depend on them in the future, but if they do happen to fail us, we know God won't.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 152

Hi!!

I had the honor of jury duty today. Need I tell any of you how much fun that was?! At least I do not have to serve for another 2 years but by Sept., I (Lord Willing) will be a mite busy taking care of a certain little gentleman, so that will also help keep me from that honor (jury duty) for a while. My daughter is 21 weeks along and is eating everything in sight. She needs to. She was soooo sick the first trimester with morning sickness and that viral bug that was going around. She had that (viral bug)mess for a month alone. Anyway, she's having a blast now. I've seen two sonograms of him so far. God is so awesome with His creativity.

The one thing I am yo-yoing on is the respect issue for my husband. I'm just still trying to adjust to having had my world crash down around me not that long ago. We had a talk last night and he would love to just go and press on ahead with the way things are now. He is so amazed and excited that he is able to live pure now. After so many years of living a tarnished life, I do understand his joy. He says that when he thinks over his life and what he's done with most of it, he almost calls it a wasted life. He says he has so many regrets that they are almost too much. The only way he can stay focus on the fact that God has forgiven him is by immersing himself in God's Word. He wants so much to help others with this problem. He wants to get so far from that man that he use to be. Right now, he's so excited about being free. I want to be happy for him. Share the joy with him on his new journey toward being the Godly man he should be. Go forward and have a wonderful God-centered marriage. Yet, here I am. It's like I'm on the outside looking in on a stranger's life. I loved my marriage. Well, the one I blindly believed in. I'm in limbo. That's the best way to describe how I feel. I feel like our life together was such a farce. None of it was ever genuine, except for the children. Now my son will be leaving home to go to college in another year. The thought of being just the two of us again doesn't thrill me. Isn't that sad? I was doing alright until we had our talk. Then unfortunately, I rehash everything and ask him questions about his????women????. That's where my being detailed lands me.

I know in the long run we will be alright. Would I love to be at the point that I don't think about every little detail of his past? YYYEEESSSS!!!! Like SAM says, we just need to keep asking God to take these things away on a daily basis. He has helped me deal with alot of this mess. I'm just still a work-in-progress, I'm afraid. The old two steps forward, one back business.

We still need to talk more. I like the talks and yet I don't. I know he feels the same way. He says he will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. His goal is to replace each tainted year of our marriage with an upright and faithful one. He just prays that God will allow both of us to live long enough for him to do it.

Thanks for letting me just talk. It's so appreciated.

Luv to all,
-RJ-

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Infidelity	All times are GMT - 6 Hours Goto page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4 Next
Page 3 of 4