Can Open - Worms Everywhere!!!

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 60

Great comeback, SAM!!!!! I love it.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

[[[[((((Jeannie)))))]]]],

Did you notice the heavy duty hug I'm sending your way, Jeannie? I hope that you can feel the love and understanding that is being sent your way on this forum, dear sister. Remember you are not alone in any of this!!!!!! I still get so amazed at the wisdom, the concern and Godly advice that is declared here.

I read this today and thought of you.

"And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary." Galatians 6:9

I'm sure you're feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Don't lose heart. There's so much to be gained through all of this mess. Keep strong! I pray that the both of you will go and have an exciting weekend. I still say the timing of this conference is totally of God. Just remember, most people are so selfish that it won't be long and they will just move on to something else.

Oh my word! My son just came through the house singing ( he has his Ipod w/ earpods on his head). He doesn't realize that he is singing loud enough for me to hear. He listens to Christian rock. Here are the words I heard: "Through adversity, comes redemption".

Out of the mouths of babes. Mercy!

Again, it astounds me how everyone here is so ready to instantly give comfort. May God so richly bless each and every one of you!

Allright Jeannie, now go have FUN, yes fun this weekend. We'll all be here wanting to hear of how God moved so mightily. You'll be taking all of our prayers with you. Luv ya, -RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 120

Jeannie,
Even though I told you all the good that has come from my husband's sin being exposed, notice I never said it was easy! My husband and I have jokingly talked about moving to another state. We have taken several trips out of town, and each time we have not wanted to come back. The thought of starting over somewhere else where nobody knows us sure is tempting, but of course, we would never actually do it. Being a Christian isn't for sissies! Anyway I, like RJ, believe the timing of this marriage conference is definitely of God. He knew when you and your husband would need it most. Everything is done in His time. I couldn't help but think of Numbers 32:23 when my husband's sin was exposed, and now your husband's ". . . be sure your sin will find you out." They can't say God didn't warn them! You two are in my thoughts and prayers.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 102

Oh, I hate having to change my e-mail address. It's such a pain to redo everything again. Wouldn't it be nice though if our lives could be changed so easily at the touch of a button? Let's see, I want to erase all of my fears, the mistrust, the pain, questions, humiliation,embarrassment,anger (so many more, so little space to type all), now let's just press "delete", and "poof", none of this ugliness ever happened. LaLaLand seems like a wonderful place to escape to sometimes, doesn't it. Problem is - Reality -strikes and rears its ugly head.

Sorry, I had a moment of "self-pity". You know, I suddenly have the need to spend today. Cool

Somehow "splurge" has become my new motto. And wouldn't you know, hubby doesn't seem to mind, at all. Aren't I a bit mischievous? You better know it!!!!!! I think it's called reaping the benefits.

Just wanted to let ya'll know that I am now"resecured". I'll be a "newbie" again. Have a great weekend. Love, -RJ-

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 102

Jeannie

Try sending me a message. OK?

-RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 120

I am so thankful for this forum. This morning my sister-in-law called to ask if I was going to a women's retreat that the church we used to attend is hosting - the OW would undoubtedly be there. I told her, "I don't think so." She said, "You are a big girl, come on." It just infuriated me. I couldn't help but wonder how big of a girl she would be if she was living through this. People that haven't been there just don't have a clue. Forgiveness doesn't give us amnesia! How uplifting would it be to try to worship while looking at the woman my husband has been with? Sorry, I'm just not that "big" yet. I'm striving to get there, but I'm defnitely not there yet.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 102

[[[[(((Dearest Charity)))]]]]

You are so right about anyone not going through this ordeal really understanding fully. I love how you said forgiveness doesn't mean we have amnesia. I think people tend to not understand what forgiveness truly is. You are so correct in not putting yourself through that. Would it benefit you in going? Could you really worship God fully and without distractions? There's nothing wrong in protecting yourself. God understands. "Big Girl?" You, dear sister, are a gracious,wise, and faithful woman. You are still there fighting for your marriage, so in my mind, that makes you a very strong woman. Don't worry about what other people may think. You know what's best for you right now.

Just know that there are plenty of us right where you are in this healing process. We do understand fully. We have a right to protect ourselves from certain situations that we know might hinder our healing. I guess I couldn't be classified as a "big girl" yet either. I believe that God sees us as "steadfast girls", I like that much better anyway. Don't you?

Go on and have a great weekend. Luv ya, -RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 120

Thank you so much, RJ, I needed some encouragement. Yes, I like the idea of being "steadfast", that works for me. They say big girls don't cry, so I'm definitely not a "big girl" in that regard either. Confused

The fact that I know the OW already keeps her image in my head, and I hate it! I'm sure if I didn't know her the wondering would drive me crazy, but actually knowing her lets me see her clearly everytime I think about the situation. I know I have read on here before how the thoughts drive people crazy, and I can so relate because they especially do me. I would love to go through just one day without seeing her in my mind.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 102

You know. Charity, I think you knowing the OW is so much more worse than my situation. The "???women???" of my h's past were mostly one-nighters except for the last one which lasted 3 weeks out of state. So, I never knew who they were. I do often wonder what they looked like though. What was it about them that drew him to them? He says it was a sexual addiction vice, that there was nothing special about any of them. I do wonder what their lives are like now after 26 years. I wonder, if they could, would they ask for my forgiveness? Has this OW asked for your forgiveness? How can people who have done such horrible things live with themselves? Especially those who proclaim to be Christians if they have not asked for forgiveness from the one they have wronged.

Anyway, I, like you, wonder how in the world "women", could do that to someone they know and think of as a friend. Yeah, I know what you mean about "triggers" being such a big part of our lives now. There are certain words that start me to thinking about everything again and again. That's why my H. didn't want to tell me the name of his last conquest. He was afraid that it would be a major trigger as it is a common name. I really don't care about the name. I was more upset that he was keeping something from me again. Another lie. I felt like he was keeping her name to himself as something sacred. I don't know about you but I tend to think the worst when I don't get sufficient enough answers to my questions without delay. Husbands tend to think they are protecting us when they are really delaying our healing. As with everyone else, we are still learning each day what we need to do to try and restore this marriage. It's like he's walking on eggshells around me sometimes. When he comes through the door after work, he's really not sure what he will find. A smile or a furrowed brow. He's learning to point blank ask me how I am feeling. He use to tiptoe around and let me be because he didn't know how to handle things. That in turn would tick me off. I will say I have confused him from time to time with my ups and downs. So much so that he just has to rely totally on God for guidance because he is just so afraid of not doing what is right in my eyes. I figure he's just doing a little reaping for his sowing. Cool

My heart goes out to you, Charity. I think you are handling this mess the best way that you can. One wonders how she would handle it if things were reversed. People who don't have a clue sometimes get one, if you know what I mean. Not that I wish this on anyone. People just need to be more understanding of each other, especially toward those who are brokenhearted.

I'm praying for you, dear sister. Send a little prayers upwards for me too, ok?

Luv ya, -RJ-

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1862 Location: Chicago

When your minds are saturated with "triggers", lift them up to God over and over again to remove them from you. It's a moment by moment thing and God is more than willing to lift this burden from you.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 120

RJ,
You have asked before if I am your twin, and sometimes I think I am. My husband never knows what to expect from me emotion-wise either, but then again, I don't know what to expect from me either. Confused

One day I am feeling really good about my life and my marriage, and the next day I am feeling really sad and hurt again. The fact that I thought we had a really good marriage before the revelation but he managed to create a bond that lasted for over a year with another woman just devastates me. I know time will heal, but I want to heal now! Your husband and my husband sound so much alike in their remorse and in their efforts to do everything they can to make it up to us. That part is wonderful. As far as which is worse, one-night stands or a long-term relationship, I'm guessing the pain is pretty much identical. Betrayal is horrible no matter what.

You asked if the other woman ever asked for my forgiveness. She did on four different occasions, twice during the time she was telling me they were "just friends" and "didn't think they were hurting anybody" and twice after the truth came out. So needless to say, I wasn't buying it. I believe she was sorry she got caught, but I don't believe she was sorry for what she did. I finally just told her I was forgiving her because that is what God wanted me to do not because of anything she was saying. In the process of her last two "apologies" she was telling me details of the affair she thought I didn't know. I believe she was trying to hurt me and drive a wedge between my husband and me hoping I would kick him out. Also during one of her "apologies" she told me she was "naive". This was after watching her flirt with my husband for months,and knowing for a fact that she was the one who originally started the telephone conversations. I told her she was a lot of things, but "naive" wasn't one of them and that until she was honest with herself she couldn't be honest with me, her husband or most importantly with God. She finally admitted she was 50% responsible for the affair, so I felt like that was a small victory.

What really hurt me about all of this too is that when we first met her and her husband she commented on what a good marriage she thought my husband and I had. I told her what a great man he was and how good he was to me. I felt like I advertised him to her. I think she considered it a big accomplishment for him to be tempted by her when he obviously loved me. I believe she has very low self-esteem and uses the attention of men to feel good about herself.

When I found out the truth about the affair and called her, she said she was so relieved I finally knew. I asked her if they were going to leave the church we were all attending or if we needed to, and she said the affair was over a long time ago (which was a lie) and that nobody needed to leave. She acted like we could all go back to being friends! Then when we hung up she actually called my husband - can you believe that?? I had told my husband he had better tell me if she ever called him again, and he called me about 10 minutes after I hung up from talking to her. After that I couldn't hate her or dislike her, I could only feel sorry for her. I realized she has some real issues. I just pray for her, her husband and her children everyday. I know my husband is truly remorseful, but I'm honestly not sure she is.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 102

((((Charity))))

I'm not sure if you have already said, but does the OW's husband know about any of this? Sounds like she desperately needs counseling. If she is a Christian, how horrible it must be to be her. To be under God's discipline is not a pleasant place to be. I watch my husband try to really understand that God has, through his true repentance, forgiven him. He has a hard time looking into my eyes and seeing the hurt, confusion and mistrust. The man he was is not who he is now. I can see that. It's just that the wounds are still so fresh and deep. I am so thankful to God for his strength. I could not be where I am without it, that's the plain and simple truth. Do I have "valley days"? Mercy, yes. I do find though that they are not so frequent as they use to be.

I know our husbands are so amazed and thankful that we are "steadfast, strong, and enduring" women. Honestly, where would they be without us having those qualities.

Have a blessed day. -RJ-

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1862 Location: Chicago

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 60

Hugs for (((Eligirl))).

As I reflect, there were many times where I put my husband before God. I hadn't realized that, until today. The infidelity has made me aware of how dangerous that is. What if I had died during one of those periods of time, without being aware or repentant? YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband, if he is able to remain faithful in the future, will have broken a multigenerational practice of infidelity. WOW!!!

So, as sad as it is for me to realize, maybe this was God's wake up call, to us.

Jeannie, I hope things have settled down a bit for you.

Charity, I send you cyberhugs.

RJ, has anyone ever called you a spitfire or a pistol??? *grin*

Sam, thank you for your steadfast guidance.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 120

RJ,
Yes, the OW's husband does know. He is crushed. I had the chance to talk to him a few months ago, and he told me he was still crying everyday. I felt so sorry for him. After talking to her the day I called her to confront her about the affair, I got the distinct impression she had done this before. I think maybe her husband had suspected before, but this may have been the first time it was confirmed. I firmly believe this was my husband's first time because he acted so different the whole time the affair was going on. I was blaming his behavior on the fact that he was going through a mid-life crisis and dealing with his mother's death but I also knew in the back of my mind it could possibly have something to do with the OW, I just kept shoving that thought out of my mind. I had told my two best friends at work I was worried, but they, too didn't think there was any way that could be the case. Nobody that knew him would have ever believed he could fall like he did. The OW definitely came along at a very vulnerable time in his life. That is no excuse, but I do know he wasn't himself.

My husband, like yours, had a very hard time accepting that God could actually forgive him for this, and he kept telling me he didn't deserve me. It took him about a year after making his life right with God and meeting with our preacher on a regular basis to go back to taking an active part at church, but the OW was teaching a Bible class at the beginning of the affair and went right back to teaching right after the affair. That was something else that bothered me when I confronted her, she acted as if everybody had to forgive her and everything had to go back to normal because we are all Christians. I think she believes she can do anything she wants to and as long as she says she's sorry God and other Christians have to forgive her. While that is true, I don't think she realizes you can't willingly sin and expect God and others to forgive you. She made me think of Romans 6:1, 2, "Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? God forbid." You're right she definitely needs counseling. The elders at the church she attends were trying their best to get her and her husband both into counseling. I'm not sure if they ever succeeded or not, but I certainly hope so. She has a daughter, and I told her she needed to get help so that her daughter doesn't follow in her footsteps. It's just so sad. You just don't realize how many people are affected by this sin.

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