Being transparent

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 100

SusieQ

The news of Jacob Michael's safe arrival is wonderful. Praise the Lord. May this little boy bring great joy to his family.

In the Bible, Jacob means 'to follow' and Michael means 'like God'. My prayer for your precious grandchild is that he grows up to follow Christ and to be a man after God's own heart.

Smile

SusieQ · Newbie Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 23

I hope and pray that he will grow up to follow God... pray for his parents. My son is very bitter, I don't know if it's because we made him go to church, then he saw our marriage break up, or what. I do hope he will come back to God. As far as his fiancee, she seems to be open, but I don't know if she's a Christian or not.

We are very happy about his arrival! He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen, of course, I'm the grandma!!!

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 152

Congratulations!!!!!!!!

How wonderful for you SusieQ!!!!! I hear the state of being a grandma is utterly fantastic. I cannot wait. My little soon-to-be is set to make his appearance the first week of Sept. I've already seen an ultrasound of him. He was waking up and stretching slowly. God's little miracle. Goodness, I can't wait to snuggle with him. I get to take care of him when my daughter goes back to teaching school. Lucky, Lucky me!!!!! I'm trying on different gramy names. Anybody have suggestions?

FHJ, How are you doing these days, girl? I've been wondering about you. Hope all is well. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Again, I'm so happy for you, SusieQ. The only problem is I've just about bought everything I've laid my eyes on for him and his room. I'm really bad buying the monogramed items. Gosh, I hope the ultrasound is correct in saying it's a boy. I've seen the image and it's pretty much a given but you never know. Mercy, wouldn't that be a hoot.
Laughing

-RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:31 pm Post subject: Time wounds all heels

It has been a great couple of weeks. My husband and I are getting along great. Today, for some reason, I am sad. I am suspicious. I keep having ugly little made up memories pop up in my head. I'm feeling the tug of depression creeping up on me. Please say a little prayer for me. I know the hurt of an affair doesn't heal overnight but it has been 5 months. I hate feeling better then out of nowhere I feel like I am slipping. Where is this coming from? I keep trying to pick out inmy head who his next affair will be with. It's a sick game I am playing in my head. Yuck!

SusieQ · Newbie Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 23

Jeannie,

It does get better. While you will never forget, the pain of what happened will not affect you as much, as you learn to continually turn the situation over to God. As you do that, each day will get better. God is not the author of confusion but Satan sees that things are getting better, and he will attack you any way he can to bring you down and to destroy your marriage.

Remember Phil. 4:8 - "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things".

I know, believe me, this is easier said than done!

Write down the positive things going on in your marriage, and dwell on those. Satan wants you to focus on the negative things in your marriage because he can use those to destroy what you and your husband are trying to rebuild. So, when those thoughts come about who his next affair "might" be with, rebuke those thoughts, and do what II Cor. 10:5 says - "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.".

Also, remember who you are in Christ, how special you are to Him. He made you and He doesn't make "junk". Sometimes when we've gone through things like this, we feel "ugly", or lacking in some way, and we tell ourselves all sorts of lies, because if we were "this" or "that" why would he have done that to me? If you have to repeat it out loud every day, confess forgiveness, pray for your husband, and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "you are beautiful" and don't let Satan tell you otherwise. Just refuse to listen to him, he's a liar! Smile

My heart goes out to you because I've been there, and I know what you are dealing with. I will be praying for you.

It has been a great couple of weeks. My husband and I are getting along great. Today, for some reason, I am sad. I am suspicious. I keep having ugly little made up memories pop up in my head. I'm feeling the tug of depression creeping up on me. Please say a little prayer for me. I know the hurt of an affair doesn't heal overnight but it has been 5 months. I hate feeling better then out of nowhere I feel like I am slipping. Where is this coming from? I keep trying to pick out inmy head who his next affair will be with. It's a sick game I am playing in my head. Yuck!

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 100

Dear Jeannie

You asked for prayers today, dear sister - and you have them (in plenty). Can you feel them lifting you up this very minute?

Susie Q is right - Satan is hard at work when we start to think badly of our spouses and conjure images of their next potential conquest or transgression BUT be sure that God is at work, too. When I read Romans 8:37 today, I responded in prayer for you - and for all of us who need God's help and healing as we rebuild relationships that have been severely damaged (but not defeated):

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

Jeannie,
I can so relate to how you feel, and the "ugly little made up memories". Are they horrible or what?? Believe me, five months is not long at all. It has been 15 months for me, and I still have bad days. Thankfully they are getting fewer and fewer. My favorite verse to think of when I start struggling with the memories and the fear is, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). I remind myself that with Christ I can get past the negative thoughts and forgive again today. I had read that forgiveness is a decision you make over and over, and that is so true. I have to do it everyday. I have to remind myself that my husband betrayed God more than he betrayed me. After all, God made the rules, so if God can forgive him, surely I can. Also, I think about all the verses in the Bible that condemn fornication and adultery and remind myself that no matter what happened in the past, God meant for my husband to be mine, and that hasn't changed. The OW never had a right to him, but I do. I basically have reclaimed him and have no intentions of letting him go!

My marriage is wonderful now. I always felt like it was really good, but I have to admit it is better now. He is so attentive and sweet. I know I focus on his needs more now too, so that helps. At times I have even thought I should thank the OW. She certainly shook things up and made us communicate and stop taking each other for granted, but I'm not really at that point yet! Smile

I have come to realize that living in the past only makes us both miserable, so I am determined to stay in the present as much as humanly possible. I do slip back frequently, but I don't stay there for very long at all. I have gotten it down to a very few minutes at a time now. So, take heart, Jeannie, it does get better! Some days I can think about it, and it doesn't even hurt, but other days it's like I just found out. I am getting better at realizing it is the devil causing the negative thoughts, and I try to push him out as quickly as possible. I remind myself that my husband has asked me, God and the church for forgiveness, so I have no right to hold this against him. I pray for all of us on this forum everyday. We aren't fighting flesh and blood. This is a very tough battle, but with God on our side, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31)

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:31 am Post subject:

Thank you everyone. The prayers have been felt and appreciated. I have to say, my husband is very understanding when I get like this. He kept trying to get me to talk about it. I don't know why I had the feelings or the thoughts I had. Nothing triggered it. It was just like getting sucker punched. One minute I am fine and the next I just thought, "How could he!? How much of my marriage is a lie?" Then I trekked off down the road of bad memories and bad visions of the future. I swear! I was driving along, on my way to work and I thought what about "A"? She is in a tremulous marriage. What about "B"? He has to work with her quite a bit. "C" is such a flirt. "D" is single and doesn't understand boundaries.

I just want to get past all of this. I want to quit defining our marriage as one that has survived. Sure, survival is vital but it doesn't paint a pretty picture, does it? No matter how good our marriage is at this point it is defined, at least in my mind, by his infidelities and our repair work.

Sigh... I'm just tired. Everyone that has been thru this knows that at first, when you are doing the reconciliation work you almost go thru this honeymoon period. You are on your best behavior. He is on his best behavior. You are careful with your words. You spend more time talking than you may have in a long time. I don't want to say that it is like dating but it is the only thing I can think of comparing it to. You make time for one another. My husband goes thru the showering me with time away, just the 2 of us. Then everything starts to gear down. Your focus goes back to daily life, kids, work, home. You promise to do couple devotionals tomorrow because he is crashed on the couch and you are too tired to even think tonight. Right now, normal life if setting in and normal life reminds me of how naive I was this time last year (or any of the other times) I'm afraid we will get complacent. I'll get tricked into believing our marriage is "just fine." I'm scared of letting go this time and trusting again. Even the counselor says we are doing fine. I want to grab her and say, "Don't let go of us or we will fall apart. I've been thru this before. If you look away, it will happen again!"

Thank you everyone for your prayers, the wisdom and the advice. I need it so badly. I do pray for each of you. I will get thru this. This is just a bump in the road.

Blessings,

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

Jeannie,
I understand exactly what you are saying. I feel that way too. If it's happened before, and I never thought it could, what makes me think it can't happen again? But the answer to that is, we have to keep our focus on God. No matter what happens in this life, He is there for us. It terrifies me to think I could ever have to go through this again, but I think it terrifies my husband too, so hopefully his life is right with God, and he won't let it happen again. I understand what you mean about letting life get back to normal. We are afraid that once the "dating" stops, so will the security, but we have to turn that fear over to God. He doesn't want us to live that way. He is the one we have to lean on. (I am reminding myself of this just as much as I'm reminding you.) Every morning on the way to work, I listen to the song by Josh Turner called, "Me and God". This has become my theme song to help me through the day.

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:14 pm Post subject:

You know what, Charity? You got me thinking. When all of this first happened, I would use my time driving to work as an extra bonus prayer time. Sure, I was praying a lot, like every spare minute to get thru this. I haven't been doing that lately. I still pray, but my prayer time, even at home, has gotten shorter. I guess satan found a way to squeeze himself into those empty spaces, huh? He is harder to evict than I want him to be. Thank you for your gentle reminder and prayers.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

Jeannie,
I guess it's human nature when things seem hopeless and overwhelming to talk to God constantly, but when we start feeling better and more in control of our emotions, we tend not to talk to Him so much. I live in a rural community, so when my world collapsed, I talked to God out loud everyday on the way to and from work. I was on backroads so nobody was around to see me and think I had completely lost my mind. It was amazing how much that helped. I felt very close to God, plus I had some major break throughs in my thinking. Just speaking my thoughts and feelings out loud helped me to put them in their proper perspective, and scriptures would just pop into my head. It was awesome. Typing this made me realize I need to do that everyday. I shouldn't just do it when I am feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. I have a lot I need to praise Him for instead of just begging for help!

Anyway, I don't know about you, but my weakest time seems to be in the car driving. I have too much time to think. Besides listening to Josh Turner's, "Me and God", sometimes I listen to Alan Jackson's gospel CD, and I have the Bible on CD. It is amazing what singing praises to God or listening to His word can do for your outlook and emotions. I think it really helps to keep my focus where it needs to be. It helps me to remember that God is in control and that even if my husband lets me down, God never will. The devil tries his best to take that assurance away. He is very good at what he does. I don't think we give him enough credit. Look what he did to our husbands!! We are all under attack, just in different ways. I think being a survivor is a big accomplishment. When this first happened to me, I thought of all the people at work this had happened to and realized there was nobody I could turn to for advice on how to recover. All of them were divorced! We have a lot to be thankful for. I am very thankful for all of you on this forum. It would be very easy to give up. Recovery is hard work but with God's help and each other's encouragement, we can do it!

Bittersweet Sakura · Newbie Joined: 19 Jun 2008 Posts: 2 Location: Maryland

I wish I had found this forum a lot sooner, before I made these mistakes that I cannot take back. I'm not sure exactly what I expect from this, all I know is that this is killing me inside and sometimes I wish I was dead. Like I can't even handle the dying process, I just wish to suddenly be pulseless.
To make a long complicated story short, I had an emotional affair. I have my reasons, but of course none of them excuse my action.
I know I deserve to be punished, in fact it feels like I'm being being punished of every second of every day inside. The other man seems to have walked away from me, I'm constantly afraid of my husband suddenly feeling that the healing process is too much and that he'll walk away too, I have no one I can trust to turn to, both of these men that I opened up to have shut down to me in different ways.
I guess I want to know where to draw the line. I understand his mistrust and I understand his want to know what I'm doing ALL the time. I guess I just don't feel like his wanting to cut off my male friends, freaking out about what I wear (even at home), or how I'm sitting is just. He wants to confront the OM, I feel like this will just rip open more wounds or tear them even wider. He's hacked into my computer several times and may even be currently keylogging me now.
Any words of wisdom?

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

Bittersweet Sakura,
I am glad you found this forum. I am also glad that you want to work things out with your husband. The key to that is to make him feel loved and cherished again. He is going to have a very hard time trusting you for a while. Try your best to put yourself in his place. If he had spent the time and energy with another woman that you have with this other man, how do you honestly think you would feel? Your husband is not trying to punish you. He is trying to deal with hurt and the betrayal of the person he loved and trusted most in this world.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 152

((((((Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie))))))

Oh, don't I know what you are talking about, dear sister. The word I can't stand now is "complacency". I don't ever want to get there, ever, in my life. I fear that if I don't keep things focused on the rubble that he has caused that he will "compartmentalize" and forget the devastating pain that encircles me daily. I still think of him "compartmentalizing" so much so that he could still "love?' me and still have affairs.

I, like, you get so tired of having to survive. It still urks me to know that I am having to work so hard on something that was created by my husbands lack of decency, concern, love, back when. I see that he is a different person now and working so hard to give me the marriage I deserve, but I still have so much muck to walk through. Wouldn't it be lovely to just simply walk away from the thoughts that plague us? They want us to see them as they are now and not focus on the old them. Great, but could they if the tables were turned? What it boils down to is that we are trying to find a way that assures us that none of this will ever blindside us again. We are trying to understand this madness, and as I have said before, you cannot make sense out of nonsense. So we keep banging our heads against something that we will never be able to come to terms with. It's a decision we have to make to just "let it go" and come to terms with the fact that it happened, that part of our lives cannot be redone, they cannot make it disappear (as much as they'd like it too), It's just hard to "let it go" for fear that we will be subject to anything of that nature again. These guys of ours can promise all they want to that it will never happen again. We just feel, why did it happen in the first place. How hard was it to just be a decent, loving, faithful husband?

These last few days have been hard because of the "triggers" hitting me big time. You know, I don't have trouble dealing with consequences when I myself have done something wrong. What's hard is dealing with them when they have been created so carelessly by someone who was suppose to cherish and love me and no one else. Thank goodness I am leaning on God because if I wasn't, I don't think I would still be here working so hard on this marriage that he destroyed in the first place, so carelessly. I don't see how anyone could call us weak because we are still in this marriage. I see us as some of the strongest women I know. We have chosen to stay amongst the storm and fight for survival. Am I wrong though, for it getting my goat that I am having to struggle through something that was not of my own doing, having to experience such agonizing pain because someone else easily threw the marriage away with such ease? True, he is remorseful, and trying his hardest, but did it have to get to this point in the first place? Questions, ARGHHHHHHH. Hate them big time.

Ok, deep breath. Gee Whiz, I thought it would be better by now. Somedays it seems worse. Just those ugly "triggers" that hit with such power and out of the blue. satan is the pits, isn't he?

Ok, I'm going to go get me a Big Red soda and get outside for a breath of fresh air. Maybe I'll even go do some shopping. That always makes me feel better. Laughing

Just got back in town but I'm ready to go again. Ft. Walton Beach sounds wonderful about now. Something about hearing that sound eases the mind, somehow.

Love ya, dear sister,

RJ

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:36 am Post subject:

Wow! That was my first bad day in weeks. And in reality it was just a jolt. It didn't last long-just a weak aftershock. (That driving to work thing is too much time for my mind to wonder-right Charity? I always have Christian music on but I am going to invest in the Bible on cd.) I am so happy to have this forum. I know that dumping it all out here has saved my sanity more than once. The gently godly advice of others who are on the same path as me- is amazing. It lifts me up and keeps me going. Thank you everyone. I am doing my best not to dwell on the past, the hurt and the sadness. I have to hand this to God over and over again. All my fears and worries keep me from trusting God.

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