Being transparent

SusieQ · Newbie Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 23

It's been almost 11 years since my divorce. I know, as someone stated earlier, that God hates divorce and even so, I feel I had no other choice, and I know that God forgives me. My ex was seeing prostitutes for things I wouldn't do with him, things that even (he said) disgusted them. I found him with a good friend, making out, then found out he had propositioned another friend, while I was in the hospital recovering from major surgery. He was not there for me, hated being there with me in fact. We went to counseling for 2 years and when I saw that his actions didn't match up with what he was saying, that he wanted it to work, I was so depressed that I could barely get out of bed and I thought, this was no way for me to live my life, and it wasn't good for my children so I filed. I had second thoughts at one time, and stopped it and he told me not to, that he wanted to continue with it. I have no regrets except for my children, which are all grown now except for one. My problem is that even though I have tried to forgive him, I seem to "pick up the unforgiveness and embrace it" again and again. It's affecting my physical and spiritual health and I don't want that. I've prayed and told God that I don't feel like forgiving but I know it's His will and that with His help I will forgive and I pray blessings on him and his wife. But I have to do that on a daily basis. There are continuing things that make it difficult to keep forgiving, because we still have a child at home. Please pray for me that I can truly let this go because I want God's blessings in my life and I want to be close to Him.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

((((SusieQ))))

Glad you have found us here at Growthtrac! You will find such warmth and understanding. Each of us have our own trials that we are facing. We can only offer what has helped us learn to deal. Many, if not most of us are still in the process of healing. We DO understand where you are at, believe me.
My heart goes out to you. Eleven years and still carrying that load. It's hard, I know, but it boils down to laying it at Jesus' feet and leaving it there. No, it's not easy! It totally goes against the grain. Honestly, until you do that, it will continue to eat at you. That's one thing I've struggled with - letting go of the past, the whole injustice of it all. As these wonderful people will tell you though, God is all about peace. Negative thoughts and actions are not of Him. We have to put positive where the negative is. You really can do it, I promise. God is so willing to do His part, but we have to do our part too. That's where it gets so cotton-picking hard.

You must be so tired of fighting. (Outside and within) Garner all the information you can about uplifting yourself. You need to take care of yourself. There is this book called "The Wounded Woman" by Pam Vredevelt, that Charity 1 has talked about. I plan on getting this one myself. Most importantly, turn to the Bible. Go back and read the posts written under the infidelity section, if you haven't already. There you will get scriptures and books to read.

Another neat perk to this wonderful site! You have prayer warriors praying for you. It's also nice to know you ARE NOT alone in your feelings. For me venting has helped(nicely, of course). Any questions that plaque my mind, I ask here. You will get truthful answers and it helps to get other opinions. It's true what they say that if you talk something to death enough, it becomes a dead issue. Talk away! Very Happy

Take care,
-RJ-

SusieQ · Newbie Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 23

RJ,

Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes going through something like this you feel that you're all alone, and don't realize, hey, I'm not the first one to go through this! I know that God can and will meet me at my need, and I think He's been bringing me to this place for a while. He's been urging me to lay this down and yes, I am so, so very tired of carrying this. It's like my mind never rests because if I'm not actively thinking about it, it's still "running" in the background.

I haven't read much in the infidelity section but I will do that. Also, the book you recommend seems like a really good book. I just looked it up and already I know it will help me. Here's something that I read that rang so true... "When we slow down and force ourselves to be honest, we often realize that all is not as it should be in our life. Certain emotions such as anger, anxiety, fear, depression, insecurity, irritability, defensiveness, confusion, negativity, melancholy, and hopelessness are potential signals trying to tell us that somewhere deep in our heart is a wound that is still tender." I can tell you that I probably struggle with just about every emotion listed above, with anxiety and fear being at the top of the list!

I AM angry with my ex for what he did and how it's changed my life and my kids' lives. I feel that he stole a lot from me by what he did. When we divorced he made me feel so guilty about going for half of the house, etc. that I didn't fight it and left with just half of our belongings, no furniture except one twin bed. My 3 kids and I moved (my oldest son stayed with my ex) into an apartment that my mom rented for me because I had no money until I got my first paycheck, I didn't even have money to buy food until she could drive from out of town to help me get settled. Now, I know that going without one day is not a tragedy in itself, but what bothered me is my ex could hardly wait until I left so he brought some of the last of my stuff over to the apartment and while he was there he looked through my pantry, saw there was nothing, and left. When I confronted him later, he said that I was not his concern anymore and that if I had wanted a loan, I should have asked for one. I told him that if he couldn't be concerned for me he should have been for his kids. So, he kept the house so the kids could have some "normality" in their lives (we had only been in that home for about 3 years so it was still new to them), and he kept his 401k. I got nothing financially out of it. I know that I was entitled to half but my attorney said I would have to come up with more money to fight it and I had already borrowed what I could from my parents and at that point, I just wanted out. There's more to the story but more than I can write at the moment. Have to give my mind a rest.

I really do want to let this go so I can go on with my life being happy, enjoying my life, my kids and grandkids and most of all, feeling God's presence and guidance in my life again. I have felt so alone and like there's this wall between me and God and I just can't take that anymore.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for listening. Smile

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 93

SusieQ

I read your three posts on this forum, in which you share something of your circumstances - and your ongoing struggle to move on from divorce, as well as the issues in your current relationship. No wonder you're tired and wanting to leave these burdens behind. How can we best support and encourage you?

In your second post, you asked for advice about your boyfriend's addiction to video/computer war games. I think you said you met him through church? That seems to be at odds with the last paragraph:

SusieQ · Newbie Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 23

FaithHopeJoy,

Continued prayer, encouragement, suggestions is the best anyone can do and thanks for the "virtual hug" Very Happy

. I ordered the book that RJ (Secured) recommended and I can't wait to begin reading it. I've had more peace the last few days than I've had in a while, although it is a continual reach considering the environment I'm in now.

Yes, it is at odds and while I can't determine if he is truly saved, only God can, the Bible says "you will know them by their fruit". Now, this doesn't mean that Christians are perfect, and certainly not baby Christians, but I know that he's at least far enough along to know that some of the things he is doing are wrong. He played this game almost continually from Friday on through the weekend, with a few breaks, church Friday and Sat night, the store Sunday, where he rented a video to "keep me out of his hair". I told him that I wasn't in his hair that I was watching tv, doing my thing and he said he could "feel" me pouting and I told him if he "felt" that I was pouting it was his problem and not mine, because I wasn't pouting. I had resigned myself, although I didn't like, it, that he would probably be playing that game all weekend. He gets really angry while playing this game, and doesn't see why that bothers me. He curses it, hits the computer table with his fist and yells at it. I had run an errand one evening and had come back and was getting out of the car and heard him from outside in the driveway! Sounded like someone was have a knock-down, drag-out fight. I've talked to him about his language and he's only said "I'm sorry I hurt your tender ears". Back to getting involved in church, he's mentioned we should do "this" or "that" but never takes the initiative to do it, maybe I should, but I would like for him to take the lead, not me. He's said he's not holding me back from getting involved but this and a lot of other things just show me what type of person he would be in a marriage.

Good advice and this is what I've been doing. I am examining my life and trying my best to do God's will in my life and give Him all of it. I've been honest about my feelings and have asked God to intervene and provide a way. Why not be honest with God, He knows everything anyway right? Very Happy

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 93

Jeannie, RJ, SusieQ

How are you, sisters in Christ? You are all in my prayers regularly.

I had been looking forward with much anticipation to the previously postponed meeting - which should have happened today. But it has been put off again.......... this time by my H, who said he was too tired to cope with something so emotionally draining this week.

I concealed my disappointment and reassured him that the further delay wasn't a problem. I also mentioned that our mentor had called me today on my cellphone to ask how I was doing, since he wasn't going to get an update 'face-to-face'. In the course of our conversation, our mentor intimated that he was disappointed at my H's decision to cancel the meeting - and had said as much directly to my H when they'd been working together earlier in the day. At this news, my H exploded! He said our mentor had undermined his (the husband's) authority by discussing the situation with me 'alone'. I gently pointed out that the call only took place because he (my H) had cancelled the meeting.

Out of this came something positive. My H expressed his emotions. We discussed how he felt. Even though his feelings were predominantly anger and frustration, there was no sign of his more typical reactions - silence, withdrawal and passivity. My H also reassured me that he 'wasn't getting at me' and we concluded the discussion with prayer. I thank God for this miniature miracle! Smile

A book tip - if you haven't read "Married But Not Engaged" yet, make a trip to the bookstore this weekend!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Good morning!!!!

I have been TRYING to start my spring cleaning around here. I want to get it all done before school is out. So I can be totally free to enjoy the summer. My daughter is 4 months pregnant and I need to get it all done because I will be (Lord Willing) taking care of my little peanut when she goes back to work. They find out what (it) is next month. I think it's a little girl because of the fast heart rate. None of us care what it is, just want (it) to be healthy, normal, and alive. I've experienced a stillbirth (my second daughter), and two miscarriages. I also have a wonderful son who will be graduating next year. I feel the Lord has blessed us with this new little miracle to help me cope with the empty-nest syndrome that lies ahead of me. To be truthful, I was wondering what on earth I was going to do with my life after my son went to college. With all that has come to light about my husband, I have come to rely on my son to divert my attention away from the turmoil inside of me. To keep me focused.

I went back and reread my earlier posts. I can say without a doubt that I am living a more tranquil mind set. Is everything hunky-dorry? Have all the triggers just dissipated. I only wish. Better?-yes, defintely. Just have a problem still with not trusting, not wanting to be fooled again. Of, it's still too good to be true after all these years.

Do we ever get rid of ALL of it, totally? Are there to be remnants remaining to protect ourselves? The heart-stopping pain is gone but will I ever lose the ache? Sometimes, I think way too much, but still feel I need these crazy questions answered.

((((FaithHopeJoy))))

Mercy, you are a patient woman! I pray God will continue to give you His unbelieveable patience. I was just wondering if since your mentor had cancelled the last meeting because of the OW having an attitude, if he sensed that the attitude had changed, thus rescheduling the 2nd meeting. Let us know what you would want us to pray for exactly. What you truly want to come of this meeting. You know what I find amazing? Here, you are, the true victim, and yet you are being so gentle with his emotions. He is one fortunate man. Not many injured wives would take such a calm approach. I must say though, I can't say too much, for I also am calm in dealing with my H. Weird, isn't it? It can only be from our Lord. It seems like we should at least stamp our foot a little in front of them, though. Laughing

Right? Well at least I have a place where I can throw things around, stamp my feet, and yell my head off to my hearts content. Thank you all for being so understanding of my (detailed Wink

) thoughts and uncertainties. H believes he deserves so much more than I have handed him thus far. He says he has asked for God's mercy. Guess my being calm is part of His mercy toward my H. Can't explain it any other way.

Know what you mean about the miniature miracles. They keep us going, don't they? Affirmation, that things are heading truly forward. One thing I will pray is that when all of you have this difficult meeting that God will reign over it. That satan will be bound, period. I will also ask that God will give you peace, protection and a calm spirit.

((((SusieQ))))

May you truly seek and find God's will about this situation. Please be careful. Marriage will not change a person, as I'm sure you already understand. You deserve to be happy! That's one thing I've learned over these last few months. With God's help, I deserve to be happy. He's not about depression, despair or withdrawing into one's self. He does understand us going through all the emotions when circumstances get out of our control, though. He gave us emotions, but does not want us to get bogged down in them. We are all guilty of hiding in our emotions from time to time. I'm still having a difficult time with letting go of certain ones. Self pity, feeling that H owes me for putting me through all of this muck, the shame and hurt of having a STD, the list goes on. I'm learning I have to deal with each issue seperately and patiently. That's where I have problems. I want to hurry and get my life back on track. I want my comfort zone back and now! I'm better than I was but still have a ways to go yet. I say this to just tell you that I believe you need to deal with the anger over your divorce. I don't believe you can move forward into another relationship until you can no longer bring bad baggage into it. Like Sam said, heed red flags. Know for sure about this man before you enter into marrriage. KNOW if he is a true Christian. Do not enter into a marraige being unequally yoked. It's hard enough when you're equally yoked.

Smile -RJ-

SusieQ · Newbie Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 23

SAM,

I have been getting a lot of nudges, I haven't always done the right things, but I see all the red flags, lights blinking and smoke signals and I'm listening. True, my bf has no idea what it means to "serve" someone especially a wife and I don't think he wants to get married, otherwise we would be already. Thank God for that because I've seen a lot the past year and a half. I was married for 21 years before, and I'm aware that you can't marry someone hoping they will change. My ex was a Christian but fell to infidelity, not once but several times, pornography, etc. and it was clear that he wasn't going to change and I left. Part of why I'm still around is the depression that had immobilized me, confusion, not knowing what to do or how to do it. I'm working through that, am feeling better and will be back home soon. There are things I can't share here, should he read any of these posts.

FaithHopeJoy,

I don't know anything about your circumstances, but I guess some reaction is better than none Smile

. At least you talked and prayed about it. Hopefully a start in the right direction?

RJ,

I agree about the anger and I'm dealing with it and the bitterness toward my ex. I've been reading the book you recommended, "The Wounded Woman", and I believe that working through the questions in the book and daily confessing forgiveness, that I will be able to let it go. I know that I really need to deal with this before another relationship will work and believe me, getting involved with anyone else is the farthest thing from my mind. When I get back home I have a wonderful counselor that I'll be going to and my focus will be on God and me for quite a while.

I know what you're going through with the STD and the shame of it and the anger. It's not your fault and God can heal your emotions and your body. I'm counting on that for me as well.

The anxiety is better, although I still feel somewhat controlled by it and may have to get back on an anti-depressant to help. I hate that, but I have to be able to function. I saw my counselor a while back while visiting family and he said he thought the fear and anxiety I was experiencing could be due to being so isolated, not being involved in community. I think that having this forum helps me to not feel so disconnected from people and that helps.

Congratulations on your grandbaby! I have a grandbaby, a boy, due early May. We'll be counting the days soon!

Thank you all for your counsel, encouragement and your prayers.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

The grandbabies are truly a joy! I had my first one at 44.
And three more quickly followed. Thank the Lord that I'm a younger gamma to keep up with all their toddler/preschool energy.
They can wear you out! Very Happy

You are all lifted up in a covering of prayer continually and I am so excited to watch how the Lord is working through each of you. He is giving you direction and he does answer your cries in small ways. We look for the big miracles and forget to watch for all the little ones he gives us each and every day. They are there - we don't always notice.

He will bring healing and wholeness to each of you. I truly believe that.
And, through each pain and stuggle, he gives you stories. Stories that you will be able to share someday to help someone else.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 93

SAM - bless you for your perpetual wisdom (and thanks to God for the way He uses you as a source of encouragement to so many).

You said:

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

SusieQ

My prayer is that everyone going through any kind of turmoil in their lives would find this forum. This is my community. I almost tend to think this is better then going to a counselor. We tend to open up better when we are faceless. I still plan on going to a counselor though. My ob/gyn says that the mild form of HVP that I have is gone. What bothers me is that I have to be checked every year of my life to make sure it does not flare its ugly head again. Where is my H's consequence in all of this? Yes, he feels quilty, ashamed and prays constantly for my healing. He's just not the one who has to be embarrassed or go through biopsies. See, it's things of this nature that really hinders my moving forward. It scares me to think that all of his horrible actions could have killed me. I just keep praising God that it never developed into uterine cancer as they say it could have. Still peeling and dealing. Sad

Sam,

Your so right about God granting small miracles too. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I also know that in the long run I will be made whole again. I can feel ( and my H can see it) a difference in myself since I first came on this forum. I've learned a valuable lesson that in the past I would never have thought I would have practiced. I was one that always said I would kick him to the curb if he ever behaved in this manner toward me. You know, react quickly. Instead, I find myself sometimes not reacting in any way, and certainly not in a harsh way toward my H. I've learned to stop, pray and allow God to tell me what I should say or do. I know He has a ways to go with me, but praise the Lord, He is patient, kind, and so very loving.

You know, even when you truly believe and know that God is there beside you, walking with you and holding you up, it still hurts so badly at times. The episodes of triggers and etc. are getting farther apart. With this, I am beginning to see a little bit of a glimmer of light on my horizon. Sure will be glad of the day when it's a radiant light.

Ladies, I am so excited about my little soon-to-be. Here's one of those miracles God is allowing. I'm now going through the process of finding a name for myself. Would love any and all suggestions. I have a wonderful and blessed relationship with both of my children. I pray I will have an equally unique relationship with my grandchildren. It still feels so surreal. Very Happy

Thank you for letting me bend your ears again. -RJ-

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

FaithHopeJoy,

You must have posted while I was still composing. Just wanted let you know that I will pray for your husband to receive all that you have asked for him. Our husbands are hurting too. You know, when I can honestly see through this veil of pain and resentment, I see my husband's pain as well. I know he wishes for us to have such a REAL marriage now. I want this too, but still have certain issues to get beyond. I know God has allowed him to really see what damage he has inflicted on our marriage and on me. I also know that through God's amazing grace that since my H has repented that it is not held over his head by Him. When I truly think about his side of things, it must be so very scary (not sure if I will stay in the marriage, just give up and not think it worth the effort, or withdraw from him and just occupy a space in this marriage), that now when he has finally (with God's help) beaten his addictions and truly understands what he has destroyed and cherishes, and wanting so badly to help me in any way knowing that in all reality he cannot because he is the root of it all. I understand he has a very heavy load to peel and deal himself. He has his own issues as to why he was the way he was. He will be going to a counselor for himself as well as for us.

I will most definitely pray for the OW. I pray she will just move on and reclaim her own life and God will work a miracle in her as well.

Sam,

FaithHopeHoy is so right. What in the world would we do without you? You help keep us focused. We know the truth, we just need a little "umph" to help us with the ups and downs. I have come to treasure everyone's responses. (Even the men when they venture to put a word in edgewise) Laughing

It helps to get different perspectives on our thoughts.

Have a great weekend. Take care of yourselves and God Bless!

Smile -RJ-

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

This place is my ministry - the Lord have brought my husband and me through some awful times that grew us up and taught us to lean on Him instead of ourselves. We cannot be self-reliant, we have to be God-reliant. It's tiny baby steps of obedience that gets us there.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

What's neat though Sam, is that you and your husband are willing to help others in their time of need. Thank you both for taking the time and for making the effort.

God Bless
-RJ-

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