Being transparent

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Thank you greenwidow. You have made me wonder if going to these places with my husband would be freeing for me too. I like the thought of placing my face there and erasing their images. How hard was it, for both of you? I almost wish I could meet these conquests of his. I'm sure they cannot be pleased with themselves deep down, even to this day. I wonder if any of them have come to know the Lord. I hope so for their sakes. Thank you so much for telling me your story. It helps to know there are people willing to tell their story to help others who are hurting.

Thank you SAM for your insights too. It means alot.

I have got to share this. I've always known that God doesn't like divorce but this morning I found in the Bible where God actually says he HATES divorce. Malachi 2:13-16. On another post I had wondered if I was still married in God's eyes because of my husband breaking our marriage vows. This strengthens me. Not only was God a witness but he deems it a covenant. Even though my husband may have broken the vow, that does not give me the right to break the covenant also. What do ya'll think? RJ

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Secured...you have to know that my husband and I have a weird sense of humor. His biggest desire when he started his relationship with someone else was to share it with me...so he was somewhat relieved when things were out of the bag. His greatest problem before I found out what was happening, was having to cheat on his mistress with his wife. I can laugh about that now and I did then. I did from the standpoint that there is no way for a man to say those things with a straight face and believe that he is in the right or that he is within God's will for marriage. He tried saying it a couple of times and he never made it.

My husband was attached to one person that he felt that he had damaged by his actions. She wasn't a conquest, she was a choice and she remains a human being with feelings. She was someone he had known long enough to have cared about what this episode did to her.

I did talk to her. I asked her to seek counseling for what she was missing that would make her put herself in this position. I asked her to speak to her mother and to find some place to feed that spiritual hole that she had inside herself. I didn't know that my husband was texting her throughout the whole conversation. Loving those that would hurt you is hard, but worth it. Jesus said even those that are pagan can love their friends. (Matthew 5:43-48)

Through TV and other media we get this sense of the OW or OM as being haughty, trashy, sneaky, or mean. There are enough people that just really get caught up in the emotions of having someone take interest or care for them. The world is a really broken place and people who don't know God intimately are looking for something to fill the void.

In the light of all of this, no, it wasn't really difficult for me to go these places. Part of it started when I found a receipt for an upscale night spot that I hadn't been to in the twenty years we had been married. I knew that it wasn't a business meeting and it was in the right time frame for "She-who-must-not-be-named." Sorry for the Harry Potter reference, but it is so true that we give things power when we are too afraid to name them. She has a name and we use it when we talk about things from that time period. Anyway I asked him about the bill...and his reply was, "They have the best steaks in town, but I won't be going there anymore." My answer was if it is the best then you should take me there. And we went...little uncomfortable, for him, but it was an opportunity to get whatever out of his head. No nagging, no regrets. Yes, he did throw a lot of things out there, but as I told him, I didn't want him building a fantasy of what-ifs. For us to heal we had to reaffirm us. We had to date, spend time enjoying devotional time, go to church together, and recommit to each other.

Each time we faced one of these places I could hear his view of the time changing. He did a lot of soul searching over time. He pulled way closer to God and was really happy about it.

I also began to attend meetings that I had avoided like the plague for 19 years. I met the people he associated with and experienced the life he lived without me, because the relationship he had was born out of these places. It is REALLY important for men to have other men that aren't afraid to tell them when they are on the wrong path. The men that he had around him virtually clapped as he flung himself down the slippery slope. They all stopped hanging out when I started.

Sadly, I have lost almost every girlfriend that I had praying with me at the time. Every one of them had the idea that he owed me some sort of payback for the hurt. Man, am I glad that I don't owe God for every time I hurt him.

As with most people who go through this kind of thing, the affair wasn't the only demon. In fact it was a symptom of the pressures that were growing in our household. As my husband found himself with little control over life he began to throw it away with both hands. (Sometimes called a mid-life crisis.) As he did these things my anger grew and the two fed each other.

We went away, we started over, we dated and when the time was right we did renew vows, just so we could both remember each word.

1 Corinthians 13 (Yes, the whole Chapter....)

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

My husband doesn't want to tell me the name of the last one he was with.(the one he tried to stay in touch with after he came back home) He is afraid that when I hear the name it will just be a trigger for me. I feel that he is in a way still lying to me. Is he safe guarding me or himself?
You know it seems like I can't get over the need to know every little thing. He just wants to go ahead and put all of this behind us and make our marriage right. I wish that I could just quit thinking about his betrayals. The thing is I have forgiven him for so much in the past that I am afraid that its just not really sinking in how much I am hurting. His thought in the past was give it a few days and she'll get over it. I think I am hanging on with all of these hurts and thoughts because I want him to understand the damage he has done. Is this wrong? Is this revenge or just a woman trying to come to terms that her marriage of 30 something years being interwined with lies? Please forgive me if I sound crazy.

Is this not trusting God because I'm still trying to figure all of this out? Is it not trusting God because I still feel so much hurt and lack of trust for this man who has done such horrific things to our marriage and to me?

Is it wrong to be upset with God because I don't understand why God allowed me to marry this man in the first place if He knew what he was going to do for most of our marriage? HE knew that I would get a STD. I've never been with anyone else and I feel so filthy and ashamed of having this disease now. When I think of any one knowing this, especially my children, I cringe. I felt so humiliated when I had to go to the dr. to see if it was still there, knowing the dr. knew it was a STD. Will have to endure testing every year for the rest of my life. I also had to endure a biopsy. (he went to an adult porn house on the night of my biopsy while out of town on business, did this while I was in pain) Just so many levels of this.

What really gets me is that none of this was MY own doing. Does anyone truly just let it go and the pain goes away entirely? RJ

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Psychological triggers are code for hanging on. Yes, you will have things that make you think of this time period. The way you deal with it is to give it up to God. Notice that God has a BIG G.

Everyone should at sometime in their life read Corrie Ten Boom's book, "A Hiding Place." Corrie, her sister Betsy, and her Papa were sent to prison for helping the Dutch Underground hide Jews during World War II. Most of her family was imprisoned. Gratefully, her elderly father died before they left Amsterdam to spend most of the war being transferred from concentration camp to concentration camp. They were in some of the worst. Betsy was a pillar of faith. She somehow maintained her Bible and read it constantly to those imprisoned with her. She used her time of hardship as a continual opportunity to witness to others. Corrie, although faithful to God is a little less understanding with her captors and the brutality that she sees around her. Her sister stands as salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16) in a world that needs both. Betsy dies in the concentration camp and Corrie is left alone, with her God. She continues her sister's work to the end of the war and then to her death at a very old age. She travelled the world as a Tramp for God. She gave him praise for every bit of comfort his words and promises gave her when she called upon his name. A number of years after the war, she was in Germany, telling her story. At the end of the church service she was greeting the congregation as they left the building when a man caught her hand and her eye. He was a prison guard that had taken every opportunity to be especially cruel when she was imprisoned. Her example of faith in God had touched this man who had shown her so much disdain. Her capacity to love had been a light into his world that lead him to Christ.

Think of the trials in your life. Are you willing to be used by God? What if Christ had said to his Father, "But I didn't do anything? Why are you punishing me?" Jesus asked us to follow him, but to do that we would have to deny ourselves. (Matthew 16:24) Does that sound like he was asking us to consider what has been done to us in the past?

Peter was concerned about a certain person that had committed sins against him and he asked Jesus how many times was he to forgive him. Peter questioned, "Seven times?" Jesus answered, "seventy-seven." (Matthew 18:21-22)

1 Corinthians 13:5-7
(Love) is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps NO record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always TRUSTS, always hopes, always PERSERVERES.

j3anjean · Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:14 am Post subject:

RJ
There may be reasons why you cannot let this go. Have you read Torn Asunder? In my opinion, your husband HAS TO BE HONEST WITH YOU when you ask him about his affair(s). I couldn't begin to let it go until I had my questions answered 100%. But I had to pray about the questions. There were some things I didn't want details on. I made a list. I went down the list one by one. If he is holding back details it could be for several reasons
-he doesn't know for sure (this is a big one for the broad question of Why? or How could you do this if you knew it was wrong?
-he doesn't remember. A lot of an affair is a whirlwind emotional experience and some of the details or time line get "lost"
-he is protecting her or himself
-a false sense of protecting you
Maybe there are more reasons. I don't know. but I told my husband we could not take any steps forward until HE told me the truth and HE answered my questions. My imagination was a huge barrier. Once I knew I could pray that the truth, the enormity of the violation be lifted from me.

j3anjean · Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:20 am Post subject:

This is from the Rejoice Marriage Ministries website- but I keep a copy on my desk and another in my Bible. It helps me to read it from time to time.

A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

- Author Unknown

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 12:14 pm Post subject: Praise Report!

She called him.... My husband's affair partner called him this morning. He handled it so well, and called me immediately afterward to tell me what had happened. The whole conversation lasted less than 3 minutes and she cried . . . He just cut the conversation short and said good bye. Even when she said, "well, I'll talk to you later." He responded, "No, good bye." It is a relief and a blessing to know he is being totally up front and honest with me. Very Happy

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

How wonderful!!!!!!

I know you must feel so relieved. Isn't it wonderful when we see God's mastery at work.

Thank you so much for the Standers reading. Ya know we did say "for better or worse", didn't we? Was just so young when I got married, was just thinking I'd get the better part of it. Never dreamed of getting the worse part. My husband didn't want to tell me the name only because it would create another trigger for me.

So glad our guys are trying to live right by us now. May God continue to strengthen them to do so. May HE also continue to protect, strengthen and ease our minds. -RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject:

I think of you and pray for you everyday, RJ. My pastor in Florida always said (and I'm sure he's not the first to say it) that if marriage was going to be easy we would not have to promise in front of God and our family, friends and our congregation that we would stick with it no matter what. The ceremony ain't just about the pretty dress.

I just praise God that both of our husbands are really working towards positive change.

Tell me more about your weekend.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 84

J3anjean

I just realised, you joined this forum exactly one year ago today. God bless you for your contributions, which have helped others - including me. Thank you in particular for sharing the Stander's Affirmation recently.

I have just printed the Stander's Affirmation to take to the 'mentoring' session that we will have tomorrow with the Head of the Christian organisation where my husband is based. The Head is such a wise and God-focused man. My husband was due to take over the leader's role when his transgressions came to light.

By God's grace, we are making some progress towards healing but the biggest hurdle - ironically - seems to be the co-worker's (the OW's) attitude. We have met once since the emotional affair was admitted: she is extremely hostile towards me and clearly doesn't like the idea of the marriage gradually being healed. I have chosen to forgive them - to do anything else would be destructive and would allow bitterness to take root.

The three of us are due to meet again tomorrow afternoon - at our mentor's request. It's a complicated scenario! Most counsellors would suggest that an essential requirement is 'zero contact' between the two who have had the affair. SAM - you have said the same. How I wish that was feasible, but for now we're faced with the challenge of finding a way through this, with the two of them continuing as co-workers.

All of us, including the OW and our mentor/mediator (the OW's father), would benefit from your prayers as we take tiny steps towards reconciliation. I am encouraged by my husband's recent willingness to face up to what has happened and I'm holding onto the precept that God doesn't work in the mundane or mediocre - he works miracles. I know we need a miracle and every time I'm tempted to lose hope or become impatient, I recite Romans 8:28.

I'll let you know how things progress.

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 8:13 am Post subject: That was dumb!

This was dumb!

Yesterday, my husband was at a meeting. I took the kids to church, ran the dog home, went to the grocery store, took the groceries back to the house and left to go pick the kids up. I had about 1/2 an hour before I needed to be at the church. I was killing time. I was driving aimlessly around, listening to a cd.

I didn't know where his affair partner lived. I had an idea which side of town it was on. That's all. Of course, I was curious. I can't lie. I wondered where he spent so much of this last year and how I was so oblivious to it. It was a back road so there was no other reason I could have been out that way. I was driving slowly down this rutted dirt road when I saw her out by her car with her son. I just stared straight ahead at the road, but I saw her stop what she was doing and watch me drive past. I guess she was getting into her car and she followed me into town. I went directly to the church to pick the kids up and she didn't stop. I feel foolish. I feel like I got caught doing something wrong.

No there hasn't been any blowback that I know of - like her calling my husband to ask what I was doing. I seriously expected there to be. I immediatly thought of denying it to my husband if he asked. But I can't do that. Then I thought I should tell him. There surely wasn't any positive reason for me to have done that - just curiosity. I haven't done anything like that before, like sought her out, but now I feel like a stalker.

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 8:17 am Post subject:

FaithHopeJoy.

How are you? I have been praying for you and for the meeting you spoke of. How did it go? I can't imagine having to have that kind of contact. It would be so incredibly uncomfortable and difficult and I admire your strength and perserverance. Please let me know how your meeting went.

God bless,
Jeannie

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

FaithJoyHope,
Did I read correctly that your mentor is the OW's father? I wonder how he is dealing with his daughter privately. I applaud you. You are amazingly strong. I wonder also how the OW feels seeing how you(who has a definite right to be so angry)are handling this situation. I imagine that she is having a hard time believing that you can forgive her. She has no right to be so hostile toward you. She knew what she was getting into. Sounds like she is angry with him and with herself, but can only fling arrows your way because she can't face what she has done. I bet she cannot forgive herself. If she is so hostile still, it seems that she should not be able to continue working there. Seems she would need a clean break. All I can say is that God most definitely is working His miracle through you. God will most assuredly bless you for doing everything His way. I know it must be so hard to do that sometimes, though. I pray your husband sees and understands what he has in you.
I'm sure he does.

Oh, Jeannie,
You have done the very thing I have dreamed of doing if I could have. I don't know if knowing the affair partner is worse than not knowing them. It's bad either way. I think I would like to see these women my husband had been with. Especially the last one, whom he had dated as if she were his girlfriend, committed adultery with, and told her he loved her. It's just one more way of trying to understand why and make sense of this craziness we've been thrust into.

No matter the outcome - be honest. I'm sure he would understand your curiousity. These guys of ours need to let us do (within reason, of course, Wink

) what it takes to satisfy our thoughts, questions, and feelings. We have so many layers to dig through.

You are in no way a stalker! I can't even begin to wonder how you must have felt when she followed you. How long did it take for your heart to get back into rhythm? Please forgive me for what I am about to say, but wouldn't you just love one hour with her with a big iron skillet in your hand. Cool

Shameful aren't I? I guess I believe that iron skillets are good for what ails ya. TeeeHeee!

Ok, I'm back on track now. Needless to say, God definitely has work left in me to do. I also believe God has a sense of humor. He gave it to us, right?

Have a great day! Smile -RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:08 am Post subject:

Oh my goodness! My heart was pounding. I was already mentally trying to justify my action-and coming up blank!

I have always known my husband's affair partners. His first was my best friend since elementary school! Gracious, she & I lived together in college for a semester. The one before this one, I had met at a party and at his station on several occasions. (He is a fire chief) He kept trying to convince me to let her babysit my boys but soemthing felt weird about it. Then they started doing a lot together as "friends", even to the point of taking my youngest son to a major league baseball game for his birthday when I couldn't get off of work. So I saw a lot of her too. During his affair, part of my forgivenss process was praying with her and befriending her. THIS most recent one, is the daughter of one of our dearest friends. I think knowing them makes it harder to villify them. They are all decent young women who get in over their head. They sure make you take a fresh look at the idea that God sees all sin and sin and that we ALL fall short of the glory of God.

Honestly, the only one I really got ANGRY at and wished her harm was the first one. I remember one night having this "great" dream that I came around a bend in the road and found her car smashed and she was dying. How horrible! but I woke up feeling fantastic.

Believe it or not, when I went up to the alter at church when I first became a Christian 3 years and 2 more affairs later, she came up and prayed with me. Funny how things work out. God's sense of humor is a little more ironic and a whole lot gentler than ours!! Very Happy

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 84

Jeannie, Secured

Heartfelt thanks, sisters in Christ, for your prayerful support. I know I have truly felt the power of your prayers.

The meeting scheduled for last week was postponed at our mentor's request because he didn't have God's peace about it and wisely re-scheduled rather than jeopardise its purpose. I think he had concerns about his daughter's attitude. Yes - he is indeed the OW's father as well as being my H's mentor and the Head of the Christian Centre where my H and she are co-workers. I did say it was complicated!

It is really not through any strength in me that I remain hopeful in all this. The human response to this 'mess' would likely be despair or impatience or vengeance. The only way I can explain my lack of anger or bitterness is the certainty that God is protecting me, guiding me and teaching me - just as He is intervening for each of us as we experience personal trials and turmoil in our lives. I am clear in my mind and heart that I can cope best with this challenging situation by responding to hostility with love; to indifference with warmth; to neglect with nurturing.

God's peace and blessings to each of you this Easter time.

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