Being a Step Mom isnt easy

tamm32 · Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 9:10 pm Post subject: Being a Step Mom isnt easy

Being a step mom has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do/be. I am dealing with a child who's very manipulative and does things to draw a wedge between my husband and I. In the beginning this type of thing really got to me but I am to the point in which I just pretend I dont see the manipulative ways. Sometimes pretending not to see it drives me nuts. I know communication is key in these type of situations but telling my husband all the time has become old. I figure I just gotta let it be and work around it although I feel like I shouldnt have to.

Lord help me...I am a step mom who just wants to SCREAM....but I wont Smile

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

Hi there -
You're right it isn't easy but neither is raising your own biological child. They can and will do exactly the same thing your stepchild is doing - eventually. I'm guessing the age may be tweens or early teenager? A super rough and hard time with any kid, especially when they have gone through a remarriage with their biological parent. There can be all kinds of loyalty issues.

I have a dear friend who is a step mom. She told me that when she sees manipulative behavior, she sits down and calls it for what it is. She will say, " I've noticed what just took place. I am fully aware of ....." She's very careful to not use the "you" word but clearly explains things with the use of "I". She doesn't debate the issue, she just calls it out and identifies it.

My mom remarried when I was 15 - not an easy time. I would deliberately do things that I knew would get under my stepfather's skin, for no specific reason other than to irritate him. I was conflicted because I wanted my mom to be happy, but he wasn't my father and I felt I didn't have to listen to him - just my mom. I was an excellent student - straight A's but I would do my homework in front of the TV - it would drive him nuts. I would challenge him and say, "The moment I bring home a B, then you can say something about my TV watching."

Have you every heard of the book - The Smart Step Family, by Ron Deal? It's a wonderful book and speaks about the dynamics with your step kids.

If you haven't gone through family counseling, it should be a serious consideration.

Jim · Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 7:31 am Post subject:

Also, there are several Step Family articles from
Ron Deal on Growthtrac Click Here

tamm32 · Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 8:05 am Post subject:

Everything you're saying is right babycakes and I've been told this before..... I guess I just needed to vent a little. Actually I feel like I'm growing because in the past I would let my frustrations show but now I just release it to God. I've got to tell you though....sometimes it takes everything out of me to release it to him when the issue is staring me straight in the face. As frustrated as I sometimes get I do know that I am commanded to love and to walk in the fruits of the spirit - which in the past wasn't even an option for me because of my anger. All I know is that this issue isnt going away any time soon and it looks like its up to me to make the best out of it.

Jim · Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 8:12 am Post subject:

Tamm
Also consider... Ron Deal offers outstanding
step family seminars..
Check them out Here

tamm32 · Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 8:18 am Post subject:

Thank you Jim!

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

My wife and I have a blended family. We each have two kids from a previous marriage, and God recently blessed us with a baby of our own. (Yes, that is five kids, plus a large dog, plus a cat ... )

Anyway, having a blended family, and being a step parent, is so much harder than either of us realized. It is hard to trust completely in God, and that is something that both of us are working on. Also, I am sure that many people have told you this, but you must have a strong marriage, and that has to be a priority. Kids will exploit any weakness in the marriage. A strong marriage is a solid foundation for a blended family.

There has been a lot of damage in our marriage, but we are working on it. I know how hard this is, but it can be done through God's grace. We also have had counselling, both Christian and secular, which has helped to varying degrees.

My oldest son has bipolar disorder and also has a lot of anger (his birth mother essentially abandoned her two kids). He directs his anger at us, especially my wife. His behavior is often dishonest and manipulative. So my wife would really be able to empathize with your situation.

Best wishes and God bless you.

tamm32 · Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 5:11 pm Post subject:

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Thanks for the prayers.

Some other thoughts ...

It may be difficult for your husband to accept or understand that his son is behaving in a dishonest or manipulative manner. He may be aligned with his son without even realizing it. I was guilty of that myself until a Christian counsellor told me to be aligned with my wife. I believe that change in my outlook has made a big difference.

Your step son may be trying to split you, and it may not even be conscious. Try to have some compassion that he did not ask for this situation and this is his way of controlling something that may feel very out of control to him.

Make sure there are rules and boundaries. Make sure there are consequences for dishonesty and manipulative behavior.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

RD -
Thanks for those comments. Your Christian counselor was given great wisdom.

If you and your spouse cannot agree on the boundaries - especially with disclipline - counseling has to take place to negotiate these things out as husband and wife. You and your spouse have to be united, your marriage has to be built up and as strong as possible. Kids can and will do everything they can to knock it down.

There can be no difference between step-children and new children in the home. They pick up on it like homing pigeons. Laughing

Loyalty is a huge issue with blended families. I think Ron Deal's book -
The Smart Step Family, say it takes 5-7 years for a blended family to blend.

Most don't make it - divorce rates are in the 75-80% range - sadly. Sad

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Sam

I agree. I can easily see how it will take five years. We are still learning.

firstchild69 · Newbie Joined: 06 Nov 2006 Posts: 3

I HAVE A QUESSTION FOR ALL YOU ARE STEP MOMS AND DADS. I HAVE A BIO DAUGHTER AGE 13 HER AND MY HUBBY DO NOT GET ALONG. HE IS CAN BE VERY CRUEL AND MEAN AND WHEN HE IS I GET VERY UPSET. I FEEL HE DOES NOT NEED TO BE MEAN TO GET A POINT ACROSS. THE OTHER NIGHT HE TRIED TO TELL HER THAT HER BIO DAD COULD NOT CALL HERE. UM WHAT RIGHT OF THE IS HIS? THERE ARE ALOT OF OTHER ISSUES AT HAND HERE BUT I JUST WANT TO HAVE SOME ALL AROUND IDEAS ON WHAT THE STEP MOM AND DADS OUT THERE DO. THANKS FOR THE INPUT. MICHELLE

tamm32 · Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:26 am Post subject:

As a step parent I would never discourage communication/interaction between my step child and their bio parent. I think it makes for a healthy marriage and blended (step) family when the step child can have a relationship with their bio parent.....given that the bio parent is of the right mindset.

I have a question...... what would you do when your step child just wont obey you? Basically walks over all the rules you have set in place. Out rightly disrepects you. Does things just to annoy you. What would/should you do with a child like this?

firstchild69 · Newbie Joined: 06 Nov 2006 Posts: 3

THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY DAUGHTER USED TO BE AND SOMETIMES SHE IS STILL THAT WAY. I WILL TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY, I HAVE EVEN CLEARED ALL ELECTRONICS OUT OF HER ROOM BECAUSE OF THE ATTITUDE AND NOT OBEYING A SIMPLE REQUEST AS BRING YOUR BOOKS HOME FROM SCHOOL SO YOU CAN STUDY. HOW HARD IS THAT WELL FOR A TEEN, ITS QUITE DIFFICULT. I HAVE TO REALLY PUT MY FOOT DOWN WITH MY DAUGHTER, BECAUSE SHE WAS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME. I JUST DONT ALLOW HER TO GET UNDER MY SKIN BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. I TELL HER TO LEAVE THE ROOM OR GET AWAY FROM ME AND GO TO HER ROOM UNTIL SHE CAN TALK TO ME WITH RESPECT, AND NOT ROLL HER EYES OR SUCH NEGETIVE BODY LANGUAGE, IF SHE COMES OUT OF THE ROOM AND I SEE THAT SHE IS NOT REALLY READY SHE IS TO GO RIGHT BACK IN THERE. I DONT CARE IF IT TAKES HER ALL NIGHT. SHE IS TO NOT COME BACK OUT UNTIL ALL CHANGES AND BELIEVE ME SHE IS IN THERE QUIET A BIT, BUT EVENTUALLY SHE IS GOING TO REALIZE I AM NOT GOING TO EXCEPT THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR. FOR THE MOST PART SHE IS A PRETTY GOOD KID. HER AND HUBBY ARE THE ISSUE. HE CAN NOT DO WHAT I DO. HE THINKS SHE DOESNT GET A HARSH ENOUGH DISCIPLINE. THIS IS COMING FROM A MAN THAT WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD. I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT AND HOW TO HANDLE THIS DO I JUST SHUT UP AND IF GOD HAS SOMETING FOR ME TO SAY THEN HE WILL PLACE IT ON MY MOUTH TO SAY. IM TIRED OF HIM HURTING MY DAUGHTER EMOTIONALLY.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

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