any more advice?

grieving wife · Newbie Joined: 20 Nov 2006 Posts: 8

Hello,
I first posted to this board several months back when I was beginning to deal with my husband's inappropriate relationship with one of my friends. I've had really good, happy times since then....but they're always followed by another very LOW time. Our counselor said the low times would get fewer and not so deep, but that's not how I feel at all. Right now this low has been going on for WEEKS!

My husband is repentant and seeking forgiveness, and I thought I had forgiven him, but there's too many things that seem to contradict themselves in his story vs. her story. It's making me crazy. I understand that this affair ended almost 6 years ago and had lasted for close to 9 yrs...so together that adds up to 15 yrs ago. Should he really have no account in his recollection of details after that long of an affair? (Remember...there was never any intercourse, just intimate talk and her taking her clothes off with a negligee underneath several times....also the whole Song of Solomon reading and dancing episode.) I especially doubt how the affair ended? His account is similar but different from HER account. In my heart I feel it would still be going on today because he never took a stand and refused her. She finally quit working for him. That's how it ended.

My problem is this: I've asked myself how God could best be glorified through this mess. My answer is always the same. He could best be glorified by my husband and I coming out the other side of this mess with forgiveness, restoration and reconciliation...and with the ability to help others going through this horrible trial. That's the way I see it. (God may see it differently) But we can't ever help anyone if we don't believe the same story of what actually took place. How can I forgive what I don't know and what he can't remember or won't admit!? UGH! I'm reading tons of books on this topic and praying like a mad woman for God to reveal to me what to do with all of this.

Another problem I have is that he works with women patients all day long every day of life. He connects verbally with them and interacts with them on personal levels. I've asked him to not delve into their personal lives, but as of tonight I got more clarity on that. He quoted a bunch of scripture on loving the brethren, bearing one another's burdens etc etc, and my basic understanding is....he's going to continue to reach out with the "love of Christ" and that is that! Take it or leave it. In the past I had always admired his "love for the brethren"....and the way he was able to reach out to anyone! Now....I want him to rein himself in and not build those bridges into their personal lives. I don't have a clue what to do with all of this.

I am open to any advice you all may have. Our communication skills are horrible and I hope this week that our counselor might help us with this. It just seems that each week we meet with him....some other discussion gets started and we run out of time. Things are worse...not better! I can't stand the thought that I truly might end up leaving my husband of almost 22yrs over his "love for the brethren!"

Thanks so much,
Grieving wife

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

Have you read Every Heart Resored by Stephen Arterburn? If you have, pick it up again and reread.

I have a very dear friend who went through this with her husband. It took her about 2 years before she could get to a place of complete forgiveness. She said forgiveness for her meant letting it go.

She was making herself sick with the "what ifs". She told me at some point she had to let it go and lay it into God's hands. She took her worries and concerns and doubts and wrote them down each morning - she then lifted them up to God in prayer, then crumbled up the paper and threw it out or burned it. She found this to be very freeing.

She also prayed for God to release her from the chains of doubt and worry each day - several times a day. When thoughts would creep up she'd simply pray - Lord, release this from me. Some days it was only a few times and other days she said is could be several times.

grieving wife · Newbie Joined: 20 Nov 2006 Posts: 8

Thanks Sam for your kind response. No, that is one of the books that I have not yet purchased/read in my arsenal of books! I will try to pick it up today while I'm out running errands. I've got many books on the topic of forgiveness. I know I must forgive...but I get confused when I know I can forgive but not continue to be with this man! I guess since he didn't make a stand for me in ending the affair...I might be looking for him to make some sort of sacrafice or stand for me now! I have no idea. My emotions are still all over the place.

My husband's memory seems to serve him very well when it's to his benefit or to support a point he wants to make. He can tell you things from the past that I did that wouldn't even make a blip on the radar for most people. He remembers clearly on our wedding day that I took my cup of punch first and didn't serve him first and how that impacted him emotionally from that point on in our marriage. There was no grace that I may have been completely overwhelmed with the day and activities and it just was an innocent oversight that I didn't serve him first! Anyway, I've never really known him to be a big forgetter, but I suppose with an event that traumtizes you, like the sin he was in, he "could" have wished it away as a survival technique. I don't really know.

As far as how God wired my husband, yes, I agree. I believe God has wired him to be a person who reaches out to the hurting & lost. I used to admire that in him when I felt I was secure in my relationship with him. But since this revelation...I see more and more how inappropriate he can be when he reaches out. It will allow the women to become emotionally attached to him. He's very much a "listener" for other people. Not so good listening to me or the kids (at times).

Thank you again for the information on how your friend dealt with her pain & betrayal. I too am calling out to the Lord daily. I've asked Him to reveal to me the depths of my need of forgivenss from Him because I really don't think I grasp what God has forgiven me for. I understand my need, but I have an imaginary scale I carry in my mind that weighs sin. My sin is just typical day to day stuff. When my husband carried on an adulterous relationship for 10 years with one of my closest friends....that tipped the scale tremendously. I know sin is sin...but I also understand there's a difference with sin commited with your body and that adultery is different than other sin dealth with in God's word. Anyway, I'm praying and trusting in the Faithful One, but in the meantime....I find myself powerless to give my husband a blanket of forgiveness when I have trouble believing the details of the affair.

I'm thankful for your advice.
Grieving Wife

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

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