Advise on being a supporting Fiance' - Needing Perspectives from Veterans

1011325 · Newbie Joined: 04 Nov 2002 Posts: 4

Hello all-

I just proposed to my girlfriend last week. We are both Christians in our mid-twenties who are planning a Spring wedding. In these next few months, the stress level will surely increase as we plan for a wedding. In the midst of it all, I would like to plan for our marriage and at the same time be a supportive fiance'. Got any words of wisdom from your own life?

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Have you meet with your Pastor?
Are you and your GF going to take any marriage classes at or through your church?

1011325 · Newbie Joined: 04 Nov 2002 Posts: 4

Yes- Premarital counselling with our pastor. Among other things we'll be using "Prepare."

tapper28 · Posted: Mon Nov 04, 2002 3:13 pm Post subject:

We used a book/video program called Before You Say "I Do". It's very good, Biblically based, and intense. I'd reccomend it to anyone
Lots of love and Lots of patience......

jhs30 · Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2002 6:10 pm Post subject:

Congratulations on your engagement. As you prepare for your wedding, ask what do you want to learn during this time of "engagement" about yourself and your future wife. Don't be afraid to ask some really hard questions.

Take some time to talk to spiritually mature people in your church family who are in their 30's; 40's; 50's; 60's; 70's; and 80's.

Ask them about the challenges and joys of each season of life. Ask what have they done to see them through difficult times. Ask them what is one thing they wish someone had told them as they began their married life together.

I think as you look through this entire message board, you can find some good advice as well as some heart breaking stories. Know that married life IS A LOT OF WORK! You can expect your life to change, especially after children. You can expect joy as well as hurting one another. Etc, Etc, Etc.

For me, the most important thing you and your future wife can do is to develop your love relationship with Christ and understand that your identity is defined by him, not your future spouse. Discover who you are; what are your needs, emotionally, physically, educationally, etc. Before You Say I Do is an excellent resource as is Chapman's book on the Five Language's of Love.

Hope this helps some. Best Wishes.

webacus · Posted: Wed Nov 06, 2002 6:33 pm Post subject:

1011325... Welcome!

Have you seen the "pre-marriage" articles here on Growthtrac?
Click Here!. Good stuff!

Also, there are some good books here.

I echo the other comments ... Seek out a mentoring relationship with an older couple whom you respect. This might begin as a one-on-one with just the guys.

Prepare is a great assessment tool and should provide some good feedback. That will reveal your strengths and growth areas. Also you'll discover how your family of origins may impact you.

How long have you been dating?

1011325 · Newbie Joined: 04 Nov 2002 Posts: 4

We've been dating for one year.

We met about 3 years ago and were loosly connected through mutual friends at college.

kelly · Posted: Fri Nov 08, 2002 11:10 am Post subject:

Congratulations! What an exciting time!

My best advice would be to be her best friend. Listen to her, talk to her, keep communication open. My husband and I are best friends and therefore I know I can go to him with anything. There was even a time I was struggling with temptation and I was able to go to him with it. I couldn't imagine talking to anybody else about something so personal. He was hurt, but worked through it with me. HONESTY AND COMMUNICATION! I can't stress this enough!

Also, as a wife myself I give you this advice : Wink

: , spoil her! Don't let the romance die. Buy her flowers. Surprise her with stuff. Take her out. Rub her back. Call her by her nickname, or come up with one ("baby", "bubba", etc). Stroke her face, play with her hair. Take showers together (well, after the wedding : Wink

: ), wash her hair, brush her hair. Show to her in dramatic ways how much you love her, even if you don't feel like it or are mad at her. This will keep you reminded of how much you love her so when the hard times come (which they will), you don't slide. It will also keep her reassured that your love is unconditional and not just a "good time" thing.

Well, that's my humble opinion!

kelly · Posted: Fri Nov 08, 2002 11:17 am Post subject:

P.S. My advice about spoiling her comes as first hand advice and not just what I think woman deserve. My husband spoils me, even after a fight, and I cannot express to you what a difference this makes. I know, without a doubt, that he loves me soooooooooooooo much b/c of this. I feel like I have the best man in the world (sorry guy's!). I can do or say anything to this guy and although he does fight back, it will be only a matter of time before he is trying to hold me, cook for me, or rub my back again (even if apology's haven't been given yet). He has dismantled many fights this way and has enforced "for better or for worse". This has also broken through a lot of hardness in me and caused conviction on a few issues. I have become more loving and soft myself b/c of him. How could I pick a fight with this man who loves and spoils me so much?! The old combative me has been conquered and I can't help but be soft and loving in reciprocation Very Happy

:inlove:

Janine · Posted: Fri Nov 08, 2002 12:26 pm Post subject:

Congrats & best wishes, 1011325! Listen to us, we're old married people, we know! Very Happy

Kelly, if you could bottle the Essense of Kelly's Guy, I'd buy it.

Although I have to admit my Mike does it up right, in his own way. :inlove:

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1946 Location: Chicago

The other day my husband told me I was beautiful. That's after 26 years of marriage.

I was reading one of the interviews on GrowhTrac - I think it is the recent one - where the interviewer said that you can really tell when a woman is loved by her husband, she grows more beautiful both inside and out as the years go by.

Janine · Posted: Mon Nov 11, 2002 11:08 am Post subject:

We need a "sentimental happy tears" smiley.

1011325 · Newbie Joined: 04 Nov 2002 Posts: 4

SO....

You all have some great words to say. I am abosorbing them and looking forward to marrying the love of my life!

Now- several people have given insight into the relational and spiritual aspect of preparing. What about finances in marriage? Any pitfalls? Any books that have helped people? Seminars?

Thanks guys.

jhs30 · Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2002 6:39 am Post subject:

Oh, yes.....finances. The number 1 reason that couples divorce in the first year of marriage is over this issue.

Anything by Larry Burkett is worth the read. I believe his website is: crownministries.com

Some questions you need to answer for yourself and for each other: What is your view of money; are you a steward or a consumer? What type of debt do you have? Have either of you delcared bankruptcy? What is your view on tithing? Are you planning for retirement? What are your financial goals and needs? Have you considered developing a budget?
Who will handle the finances? Will you have one check book or separate checkbooks? How do you view credit cards?

This should give you a good start in working through this issue with your fiance. Remember, don't just plan the wedding, plan your life together Cool

Janine · Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2002 7:35 am Post subject:

We need an "I'm with the smart one" smiley.

Good points. Discuss this stuff 'way ahead of time, and have the spouse with strength in a particular facet of your financial life, be the one who coordinates that part.

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