Advice welcome regarding my teen and pre teen. Much heartach

New Life · Junior Member Joined: 29 Aug 2005 Posts: 49

Our house exploded tonight and I am at such a loss as to what to do.
I have my doubts as to whether I will survive rearing these boys.
I think the laws of nature are in need of a re-write. They should not grow up, should not be filled with raging hormones and should never decide that they don't need their parents very excellent advice. Seeing as I am not in a position to re-write these troublesome laws perhaps you could lend
a bit of advice?

The teenager: Who by the way, never so much as questioned anything his father or I said in fifteen years. He was always such a joy in everything. Studious, wonderful athlete, polite , ate anything set before him without complaint, great big brother and I cannot recall a single occasion when this child mouthed back or had an attitude with us.
He obeyed without question and respected us in all things.
OK, he wasn't perfect but I'm trying to paint a picture here...

This wonder child is getting his license next month.
Suddenly, his father and I are to strict,we need to join the 20th century,
movies that he could not have been forced to watch in the past he now thrives on, in his own words he's lost his drive for "academic excellence" because it's over rated and will probably do him no good anyway, we are ridiculous in our dating rules and no one else's parents are this strict.
He wonders if we want him to wait until he's 30 to date or perhaps we want him to be a eunuch. ( The thought has entered my mind.)
He is suddenly making comments (suddenly=in the open atleast)
about hot girls and how he never realized "what was out there"
(in terms of hot women) because he was so sheltered around only
'church girls'. The same church girls that he used to admire and dream of courting and marrying someday, are now boring and uninteresting.

On two occasions , when arriving to pick him up at his High School Campus, myself and my husband found him with a young lady (older by
1 1/2 years) hanging on him with her arms draped on his waiste.
My husband talked to him that night about being careful not to put himself in tough situations. That 'intentions' may not be wrong at first but that
being this close could lead to a developement of emotions that he may not 'intend' on having.

He says we're over reacting and that she is just a friend. He's not interested. "Why should he hurt a friends feelings when there is nothing wrong with what they're doing?"

He no longer cares to be bothered with 'the family' because he has a life outside of it and can't wait to graduate so he can live his own life.

Yes, we are strict but not even close to some of his church friends parents. I know the teen years can, but do not 'have to be' very difficult years. I know he has hormones raging inside and that he is trying to become independent. All normal signs of growing.

How strict should you be and should you let them begin to make their own decisions even when everything in you tells you that it is leading towards trouble? It seems that the child who never questioned has saved it all up for his sixteenth year!

The pre-teen: I don't even know what to say. This child came out fighting and has 'never' quit. Everything is a fight, argument, slamming , breaking things , refusing to obey even the simplest rules, anger, hatred and a deep dislike of his parents unless he wants something. His refusal to do a simple task this evening at his fathers request turned into a screaming match and my husband completely losing it. My son screamed I hate you and my husband screamed "I am so sick of this family" and left the house. He has not responded this way in many years, since he became a Christian, and I'm not even sure what brought this all on.
He won't talk to me so I don't know what to do.
My preteen is so out of control it continually disrupts our family life
and my husband seems to be giving up trying to reach him.
I truly do not know where to go or what to do, I fear losing him.

I am a new christian and am just beginning to desire to change.
I had asked for a divorce a few months before I got saved.
We seemed to be doing so much better lately and had become committed (I thought) to rebuilding our marriage and family. It seems the harder we try to do that the further apart we grow and the more problems arise with our children.

I am praying and trying to trust God through this but it is so hard.
I read psalm 159 over and over this morning trying to get my mind on God and trying to give all of this to Him. I felt so encouraged later on and truly thought God had helped me through that time and that I'd grown closer to Him. Then first thing when everyone comes home it's screaming,
slamming and the peace disintergrated. I just stood there. All of the peace was gone and anger was flying everywhere. It seems to happen everytime I decide to put something in Gods hands.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1846 Location: Chicago

What you are going through is normal. Some kids start earlier and some later. They are chosing to make their own choices and seeking independence even if it is painful and not what we want for them as parents. The hard part is knowing that they will make mistakes - we made them too - remember? It means getting down on your knees together as a couple and praying for your children every single day.
A friend once told me I would wear out my knees while my children were teenagers. I asked what do you mean? She said wearing them out in prayer. How very true!!

Our kids tend to get the best of us at times and we can obviously lose our tempers. But, it is important to go back to them, tell them we were out of line and sorry for raising our voices.

I remember one of my daughters telling me, all I want you to do is listen. I don't want your opinion. Pretty sobering words. And, as parents, we always want to get our two words in of advice and wisdom. Sometimes it means biting our tongues and just saying we understand.

The Christian life is sometimes hard and not appealing based on what a teen sees in the world around them. It feels stiffling and different from everything else they see. He knows your values, he knows what is important and he knows what is good and pure. He knows. But, he will make choices that are contradictory to all that is good in Christ. The same choices we make as adults every day willingly or unwillingly.

Keep the rules. Don't budge or cave in to demands. When he breaks them, there are consequences. Sometimes you will seem like a robot because you will repeat the same words or tone over and over again, but stooping to his level of anger and shouting and throwing things only shows him we are not in control - he is.

They can be infuriating, they can get our goat, they can make us angry to the point of bursting but we have to love them anyway. Kind of like the prodigal son who eventually realized the error of his ways and came home to a father with loving arms wide open.

We're not perfect parents by any stretch of the imagination, so to expect perfection from our children is well - unrealistic.

New Life · Junior Member Joined: 29 Aug 2005 Posts: 49

Thank you and I'll suggest praying for them w/my husband.

"Perfection is unrealistic."
Yes it is but I am not seeking perfection and never was.
I am seeking some small sense of peace in our home.
I'm seeking just ONE night of enjoyable family time together rather than breaking up a war.
Maybe that is too much to ask.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1846 Location: Chicago

Peace is a good thing but as I speak with lots of my new neighbors in the area we live, it comes some days and others it does not. Be grateful for the peaceful days and pray a lot more during the days that are not so peaceful.

Family counseling is also something to consider if every day ends up being a battle. We did that with our youngest daughter for a year and a half. It put us in a safe environment with a third person who was able to see bad habits on both sides.

New Life · Junior Member Joined: 29 Aug 2005 Posts: 49

We have considered getting counselling with our pre-teen before but never committed to it. I think it's time we reconsidered.

We talked as a family last night and discussed what the atmosphere in our home has been like, and asked eached person if they like it this way.
Then asked what they feel we can do to change it. In the end we discussed what God says about relationships and how He would want us to act towards eachother as parents/children, and as siblings.

We discussed with the eldest that we will work on 'listening' more and not lecturing everytime there is an issue and that we will pray and trust that God will lead Him in the decisions that he does need to start making for himself. We also told him that we want him to always feel he can share anything in his life without fearing our response. We also discussed the fact that we do have certain rules set up and that though he does not have to agree with them he does need to follow them, and that we can discuss what he thinks about them and if we feel they need to remain then it is his responsibility to obey them , but that we would listen to his side and reconsider some if we feel it is something that could be altered.

His attitude seemed to improve and he thanked us for being willing to listen.

I so easily forget that I do not have all the answers nor can I handle everything through my own strength. But, that I do have the strength and wisdom I need through Christs power in me and that I just need to ask Him and He will help me. Guess I need to be reminded of that often.

'I've' been trying to change my family instead of asking God to do so.

So now I am asking Him and trusting that He will in His time.

Thank you for your suggestions and encouragement.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1846 Location: Chicago

Philippians 4:13 - I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

The listening part is so hard, but it seemed to be all that my daughter wanted. Not that we always did a good job at it, but we had to try and it did make a world of difference. We didn't always agree and she seemed OK with that as long as we weren't treating her like a child and disrespecting her. Not easy.

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