A Good Emotional Affair Article

dimwood · Full Member Joined: 25 May 2005 Posts: 162

Anyone know where I can get one that outlines an emotional affair pretty decisively?

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

Torn Asunder is a great book that addresses the issue (and issues) very well. I have read a bookcase full of books on the subject...as well as adultery, infidelity, etc. If you want more good books, just ask. There are good articles on emotional affairs on grwthtrac.com and family.org and I have a lot of other websites if you want them. Do a google or ask.com search on "emotional+affairs" and you will pick up a lot of info. or, "emotional+infidelity" Hope that helps. Let me know if you want more info. Are you asking because of personal reasons?

dimwood · Full Member Joined: 25 May 2005 Posts: 162

yep....im concerned that my wife who is still struggling with a ton of other stuff might be heading down this path with a friend of ours.

webacus · Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 3:23 pm Post subject:

Hey dimwood
No specific articles come to mind... Though, this
has been a hot topic lately.

Try the Article Topics index:
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/topics/

Specifically, give these a try:
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/topics/40.php
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/topics/20.php

and the Help Topics
http://www.growthtrac.com/special/

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

I truly feel for you...I have been there. Please follow your gut...that is the Lord trying to tell you something. My husband denied and got defensive and downright angry for me even thinking such (that should have been a clue!!). I followed my instincts and started checking...because they WILL lie. Satan makes sure of that. I checked history on the computer...I went to his office and checked...I played redial on the phone...I checked phone records on home, cell and calling cards and kept records of what was suspicious. His emotional affair turned physical..and it usually does. I did catch him and we are on the path to recovery, but it took a lot of hard work. His OW was a friend as well. Start researching and checking up on and most of all PRAY that the Lord will reveal the truth to you (and her). The unknown is always harder to deal with than the truth. It makes you feel crazy. I began buying every book I could find...at Christian bookstores, on Christian websites and Amazon. Do searches on these sites for the subject you want and you will find a lot. If you want more books and articles, let me know. I am praying for you and your wife.

dimwood · Full Member Joined: 25 May 2005 Posts: 162

I can see it.....it is pretty obvious to me on her part....he is SO clueless and thinks he is just being a friend to her but she has started relying on him. I just dont think she even sees what she is doing.

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

If he is your friend, and I hope he truly is...most of the time sex or the thought of sex will trump a spouses (your) friendship....I hope not...talk to him. Tell him you are concerned about the appropriateness of their friendship or where it could go if not careful. Give your wife the book, "Building Hedges around your Marriage" and "the Grass is Greener Syndrome" GREAT books. You should read together. She has to admit her vulnerability and she may not. But, maybe you could go to your friend and talk with him. Friendships are NEVER safe with the opposite sex unless the spouse is included in ALL things and coversations. Do you think this would work? Could you sit down with your wife and tell her your worries and you would like to go to counseling? Would she admit anything to you...or herself? Just some thoughts.

dimwood · Full Member Joined: 25 May 2005 Posts: 162

peacerome......she is in counseling (you can search my name and get the scoop if you havent been following along)....I am going to talk with her I think..,.and the friend.

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

I've read most of your posts. What a long battle you have been through and are still going through. You are in my prayers. Keep us posted on what is new. I hope the conversation with her and your friend goes well. Let us know.

Sam, I am interested in your response to my posts. Are you a counselor? Is answering posts your job? I am new to this. Please help if you can. Even though it has been over a year since finding out the truth from my husband, it still consumes so much of me and my thoughts. I don't know what is real and what isn't anymore...I don't know who I am...everything I thought was true and good ended up being wrong...I am still very hurt and confused. But, I am very determined to make my marriage and family healthy again and so is he. We went to counselors immediately following the "real" discovery a year ago. I emailed Focus on the Family that night and they called me that night and told me of a counseling group. We had an appointment the next day (a true work of the Lord). He went to a male counselor and I went to a female. They were both very good. The problem was that they both charged $150.00 for one session of 45 minutes. After spending about $3.000 we really couldn't afford anymore...my desicion...we didn't need to add more financial pressure to our situation. But, now that we have moved and seem to be settling in...I really feel we need to go to counselors and even have couple counseling. Do you know how I can find free or very inexpensive ....but GOOD counseling? Our health insurance won't pay. When will this get easier? When will it not consume my thoughts? Thank you for your help and response. And, anyone else that has been through this and can offer advice and help would be greatly appreciated. I love my husband very much and he loves me (hard to believe considering what he did...but he says it is true). I am praying constantly and fighting hard for this marriage. Thank you.

dimwood · Full Member Joined: 25 May 2005 Posts: 162

I spent two hours talking to my friend (the one she is becoming attached to) and he was shocked, oblivious to what was going on, and willing to do whatever he needs to do in order to not be a part of it. WOOHOO.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

Hi Everybody -
I've been out of town taking care of my husband's mom who had surgery.

Welcome Peacerome - I'm not a counselor.

Dimwood - so glad to hear you were able to speak to this friend and open his eyes. That took a lot of courage.

Tired and will chat with you all soon and respond in more detail.

dimwood · Full Member Joined: 25 May 2005 Posts: 162

gonna sit down and discuss it with my wife in the next few days. she is really struggling within herself still and I feel that she is heading in the right direction.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

Peacerome - sorry it took me awhile to get back with you here. It's been a crazy few days getting back to work, etc.

If you are still not resolved and at peace with your relationship with your husband, then it is best to consider entering counseling for yourself again and maybe eventually with the two of you. Many church pastors have great counseling credentials and are worth checking into. Otherwise, check out some non-profit agencies in your area that my have sliding scale payments available. No matter what the cost, it's worth every dime to restore what is broken. My husband and I have spent our share in counseling through the years and have still been in for tune-ups from time to time. Maybe all you need is a tune-up.

Another great tune-up for us are marriage seminars/weekend getaways that help us concentrate on what is going on in our relationship. We go into them with the intent of talking things through and doing a thermometer check on our marriage. Sometimes painful depending on where we find the thermometer Laughing

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

Thank you, Sam, for your response. Yes, I am sure that God has called me to stand for my marriage. I have prayed for peace and acceptance and I have received it. We have come a long way in 1 1/2 years, but it doesn't mean it is all better and has gone away. That was my point...and question. I have many good days compared to the horrible days I had in the beginning. But, I still have days of great sadness. I can't believe this has happened to our marriage...how? He is a man of God, we serve in the ministry together, we have a great marriage (I thought) and he is a fabulous father. How did this happen? Can a man really love his wife and do this to her? Can a man really compartmentalize so much that he doesn't understand the scope of what he is doing at the time? Once the truth was "revealed" he was so remorseful and has repented and asked forgiveness. I immediately had a peace about me that God was going to see us through this. We have too much to give up on. I love this man with all my heart and believe in him so much. God has produced a miracle in our marriage. My husband is a different man...so at peace and a true servant. We lost our way in our marriage because of many things...both in high stress and demanding jobs, two teenagers, a church that was spiritually dead and we were too...when you just "do" your job in the ministry it really does damage to your spirit...we lost our walk with the Lord and became very shallow in our belief. Boy, was this a wake-up call! We have found new jobs, a new home, new town, new friends and a sincere relationship with the Lord. All that is great...but it doesn't take away the grief of what has happened...I am struggling with this. How did this happen? and why? One thing I am so thankful for is that we have kept this between us and the Lord...I never want the kids to find out. They adore their dad so much and think we have a terrific marriage..we are loving and adoring and affectionate with one another and always have been. I don't want them to ever know...there is no need to burden them with this. The Lord will see us through. Well, sorry to take up so much of your time. It really does help to read these posts and write out some of my feelings. Thank you for this ministry. God Bless.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

I don't think it is unusual to have feelings of deep sadness after something like this has happened in your marriage. I don't recall you mentioning how long ago this occurred. I would be concerned about possible depression if these feelings are ongoing after a couple of years.
If healing has really occurred in your marriage, then an occasional down day is normal. Each individual is different but at some point it's important to move beyond this sadness. If you're not, then it would be important to speak with your family doctor about depression or consider seeing a counselor again.

You have much to be joyful and grateful for. A new home, a new church and a husband who has turned things around and is devoted to you. Perhaps, this is the area to concentrate on and give thanks for every day.

As to why this happened - I don't know that here is an answer for the pain in our lives, other than I know through my own pain there has usually been great personal and spiritual growth. Sometimes when our God defenses are are down (which you say both of yours were) we are open to attack by the Evil One. Where better than to attack your marriage. There are people out there who actually pray to the Evil One for Christian marriages to tumble. Seems like their prayers are being answered at an alarming rate from what you read here on the boards.

As a couple, we need to pray together and be involved in community and have accountability. So many Christians do not put this into practice in their marriages, then wonder why they are falling apart and under attack.
Being prayed up together as a couple is the best defense against the Evil One as well as having others pray for protection over your marriage too.

If you look at the founders of Growthtrac and read their story, they went through great pain in their marriage too. They wouldn't have founded GT if they didn't want to build into the marriages of people like us. God has used their pain for a really great place to learn to grow in our marriages.

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