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Wedding Planning: The First Big Relationship Challenge — Part Three
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By Drs. Patrick and Michelle Gannon
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
Seven Steps To Wedding Planning Success
5. Stay Connected: Using Communication, Conflict Resolution and Intimacy Skills
Engaged couples also tend to overlook or take for granted this step — that is until a problem arises and demands their attention. We urge couples to stay connected by using specific relationship skills while they are planning their wedding. Just taking to heart the message in this article may give you a better perspective as to your purpose. Remember, your wedding is about you and your relationship and what happens between the two of you on an emotional level. Practicing good relationship skills with keeps you focused on that perspective.
We all know that in planning an event as complicated as a wedding we can lose sight of the big picture, but staying aware of three skills should help You to keep that vision in place. These are:
By keeping an eye on how you are doing in each of these three areas, you will be inoculated against high conflict interactions, those that can, ultimately, undermine your connection.
Take care not to let the work of planning divide you. Whatever partnership model you have selected, it is essential that you both attend to and work on the quality of the way you relate to each other. Try to be intentional about the way you communicate planning details to your partner. Be clear. Use I statements (I telephoned 47 people this morning). Listen well (when he tells you he spent more money than he hoped to on the invitations). Don't let your feelings overwhelm your message.Allow time for your partner to think about the news you have just rendered; leave time for questions, clarification of options, voicing of preferences. Remind yourself, always, that this is a collaborative effort, no matter the model selected. Even those who have adopted an asymmetrical model must make certain to talk about the planning and feelings around the plans as they progress.
You and your partner will have differences and these differences can evolve into conflicts if you do not handle them wisely and well. Pay attention. How do you handle differences when they come up? Which differences between you tend to lead to conflicts? How do you and your partner resolve those conflicts? Who typically breaks the logjam when one of you is upset? How do you reconnect after you have argued? How well are you staying intimate with each other, emotionally as well as physically?
Ask yourselves these questions, and answer them truthfully and often. So much about conflict resolution involves managing strong feelings and avoiding escalation, staying focused on the specific issues involved, and trusting that open and clear dialogue will, eventually, lead to resolution. Being aware that flexibility and compromise are required in nearly all resolutions will also help.
For every couple planning a wedding someone at some point feels upset and understanding breaks down. For Shane and Ava understanding broke down over their different styles of decision-making.
"The first clash we had was over the photographer," Tine told us. "I had seen their portfolio and knew them from work so I was ready to sign the contract. I make decisions very quickly. But Shane takes so much longer to decide. He wanted to read it over and then talk it over with our friend who was also a photographer. Then Shane wanted to research different packages and options. Shane was the first to notice our differences in decision-making because I was too busy with everything to even notice that our process was breaking down."
Shane continued. "It began with an awareness that Ava was pushing me to make a decision before I was ready. So I asked what was going on? So we finally tossed the issue out for discussion one night. We were a little defensive at first. I think we were trying to justify the positions we had taken. I was saying my way was the right way to make decisions."
Ava followed up. "Ultimately I figured out that the right call was to give him more time in order for him to feel comfortable. I came to accept that I wasn't going to change his mind on his style. But if I felt he was taking too much time making up his mind, I could tell him that.
"One thing I learned that helped," Shane confided, "was to tell Ava when I would have a decision and then stick by that promise. I might have to reassure her that I would do everything myself in order to make that decision by the date I agreed to. But we also had an understanding that if we were going to lose a vendor because of my timeline, I would be willing to speed up my process to fit the practical realities.
It certainly helps to talk about it," Ava agreed. "because what I really wanted was to know that we were making progress. Shane's process seems very internal to me and I didn't see that any work was getting done. And that made me nervous."
Married and family life will always present challenges that call upon you and your spouse to come together and resolve the issue. To do this you must be clear, respectful and collaborative, and if you practice good relationship skills as you plan your wedding, you'll find that good communication is easier in future endeavors.
6. Stay Centered: The Keys to Stress Management
One problem nearly every engaged couple we know has encountered is the sense of feeling overwhelmed, frustrated or just plain confused while planning a wedding. One person may begin to feel burned out and resentful of all the work involved, and that's not surprising given the many issues involved. But the real question to ask yourselves is how you are going to cope with all the work and pressure? How are you going to draw on your resources — and those of your partner — to make the process more manageable? How do you take care of yourself so that planning for the best day of your life doesn't end up making you feel more miserable than you've ever felt?
We strongly encourage couples — and especially those individuals who have agreed to take on the lion's share of the planning — to devise a stress management plan. Exercise, support from friends and family, realistic expectations and letting perfectionist standards go commonly help to relieve stress during the most challenging times. Be patient with yourself, your partner and the process, and that too will help to take the edge off.
But sometimes patience, friends, exercise and reality don't resolve the problem. Consider taking some time off. Try one week on, one week off, or call a wedding time-out on select weekends when you and your fiance just spend time together. When wedding planning begins to feel like a grind, instead of grinding through it, give yourself that needed break.
Shane and Ava had a unique way of relieving stress — SKYDIVING!
As Shane described it, "Our best stress management strategy was to go skydiving since we both like to do that. The thing about skydiving is that you can't do it safely while thinking about something else, like wedding planning. We would just say 'we need a break, let's go to the drop zone'. After a day of skydiving, everything else can be viewed with more perspective."
Not everyone is a skydiver, but everyone knows that some things help to take their minds off the tough stuff. Now and then you'll want to follow your bliss.
The big risk for those who don't take breaks is that you may project your stress onto your relationship and create conflict where there need be none. Be careful about this dynamic. Try not to let the stress build. Find a way to talk about your tension, upset, angst as soon as you notice tension levels rising. Talk about why whatever you're doing is frustrating you rather than complaining or blaming your partner. If you have followed our seven steps, you'll have fewer resentments and disappointments, and making sure you follow through on agreements will always help to eliminate feelings of hurt, anger or disappointment.
Finally, we strongly recommend that you complete most of your wedding planning at least three months before The Big Day. The purpose of all the planning is to allow you to enjoy the experience. This means you'll want to shift from the operational side to the experience of the wedding itself. That switch may take some time, so give yourself that time. Ideally, when The Big Day arrives, you'll be ready to let all the details go and all that good planning will deliver the day as expected.
7. Take a Marriage Preparation Class
Considering the emphasis we place on partnering while planning your wedding, our recommendation that you take a skill-based marriage preparation class should not be surprising. Implementing the ideas in this article may be sufficient, of course, and we think reading this is a good start.
We also know that every couple can benefit from learning advanced relationship skills and strategies identified in marital research; learning these skills has made an enormous difference for thousands of young couples. We hope this article will help you to devise a framework for wedding planning but we know it cannot teach you all the skills you'll need to have not only a marvelous wedding, but also a wonderful and enduring marriage.
We recommend that you take a course early in your engagement; this will enable you to implement the tools and strategies you learn in your wedding planning. Since wedding planning can reveal so many unexpressed expectations, unacknowledged preferences and so many differences in style, particular skills are required to help you meet the challenges. Our skill-based workshop in San Francisco is designed to make sure everyone learns these skills.
As Ava explained, some of the skills she learned in Marriage Prep 101 helped her to ease the friction that arose while she and Shane were making decisions. "One technique we learned that has been really helpful is to consider the type of feedback that Shane was looking for when he brought up an issue. Rather than just telling him what I wanted him to hear, I learned to listen more closely and to consider the kind of response he was wanting from me. When I wasn't sure, I would ask him. Sometimes he just wanted me to listen and not tell him what he should have done differently."
The latest marital research suggests that taking a marriage preparation workshop — especially one that emphasizes relationship skills — can reduce the chances of a couple divorcing by 30%! In this age, when divorce seems, sometimes, as chancy as a coin toss, marriage education makes great sense. But marriage preparation is not just about divorce prevention. Most people hope to have the best marriage possible, now and for the long-term. Learning how to "do marriage" makes sense. Just as many of you took driver's education classes before you took the wheel, just as others take labor and delivery classes before giving birth, taking a marriage course before marriage can help you to be well-prepared and, as a result, happier.
We want couples to know that the best marriages are, forever, works in progress. If you hope to get the return you're seeking, you'll want to invest in your marriage. Everyone wants a world-class marriage, but we challenge you to work to create the marriage of your dreams.
A variety of religious and secular workshops, classes and services are available for newly engaged and newlywed couples. Ask your priest, rabbi or reverend about those services offered through your church or temple. You can also visit the Smart Marriages website at www.smartmarriages.com and click on their directory for a list of programs available in your area.
Advice For the Bride
Listen! Listen! Listen! Give your fianc頡 chance to articulate what he thinks and feels about the wedding and planning process.
Accept that your fiance may have a different level of investment in the wedding and wedding planning process
When things go wrong with the planning, be careful not to take your frustrations out on your fiance
Be thoughtful and respectful of your partner's point of view, even when it differs from yours.
View it equally as a process of collaboration, learning and partnership as much as an outcome that will create a wonderful event.
Advice For The Groom
Listen! Listen! Listen! Give your fiance chance to articulate what she thinks and feels about the wedding and planning process.
Respect your fiance's emotional investment in the wedding, even if it seems a bit "over the top".
Try to match her emotionality around the ups and downs of the planning process with a reasoned, assured stance that brings some perspective to the task.
Look for ways to be involved and helpful in the planning that is consistent with what you agreed to be accountable for. Speak up if you are uncomfortable with some decision or if you feel left out of the planning.
Look for ways to build consensus with your partner rather than focusing too much on the differences between you.
Need more? See Growthtrac's
Pre-married Resource page.
Copyright © 2004 by Drs. Patrick and Michelle Gannon.
Read more at the Gannon's web site, MarriagePrep 101
Dr. Michelle Gannon and Dr. Patrick Gannon, are both licensed psychologists in private practice in San Francisco. Together they have over thirty years of experience working as therapists in a variety of settings and with people of all ages, backgrounds and concerns.
Michelle and Patrick developed Marriage Prep 101 after working with many pre-marital, newlywed and long-married couples who needed help in creating healthy marriages. Drawing from the latest research in marital longevity and couples relationships published within the last seven years, Michelle and Patrick teach couples the core elements that make marriages successful.
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