Read Part Two
Cinderella and the Caveman have trouble getting along when things are smooth. Living together in harmony and intimacy is tough enough when life is good and no one's upset. Why? You know why by this point in the book. Because of their massive, almost unbelievable differences!
What do you think the chances are that Cinderella and the Caveman will agree on what happened in a conflict and move through the resolution steps smoothly? Zero. Absolutely zero. In fact, it's even less than zero. We're talking negative numbers.
For this reason, Cinderella and the Caveman must learn a new conflict pattern that will help them navigate through their differences to a successful conclusion.
Believe Your Spouse
Your new conflict pattern will be based on one essential skill: You absolutely must listen to and believe your spouse's truth.
When your spouse is talking and expressing her version of what happened and her feelings, your job is to accept what she's saying as the truth. It is her truth. It is the way it happened for her. Period.
Two qualities of love in the classic 1 Corinthians 13 passage apply here. According to verse 5, love "does not seek its own." It's not just about you; it's also about your spouse and what she thinks and feels. And verse 7 reminds us that love "believes all things." You need to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and believe what she says.
Is this easy to do? No way! Does this skill come naturally? Hardly. By nature, we do just the opposite. Here's what usually happens.
A married couple is discussing an incident that took place between them one hour before. We'll call them Bill and Bertha. Both spouses were present during this incident. Neither spouse has a history of serious emotional illness. Neither spouse is known to be a pathological liar.
Bertha: "Bill, I want to talk about what happened in the bathroom a
little while ago. I'm angry that you accused me of being a gossip."
Bill: (He cuts in.) "Bertha, what are you talking about? First of all, we were in the kitchen, not the bathroom."
Bertha: "I think I know what room we were in. I distinctly remember the sound of the shower."
Bill: "That sound was the kitchen faucet running. And I certainly didn't say you were a gossip. I said I wish you hadn't told your mother what you and I talked about two nights ago."
Bertha: "You called me a gossip and don't deny it."
Bill: "I do deny it. I did not use that word."
Bertha: "Did so."
Bill: "Did not."
Bertha: "You are lying!"
Bill: "Lying? You're the one who's lying!"
This conversation isn't going so well, is it? What do you think the odds are that this couple will get down to the real issues and resolve this conflict? Oh, about a million to one. And that's being generous.
They are making the same mistake most Cinderellas and Cavemen make in a conflict conversation: They are fighting over two versions of the same event. Ever do that? Of course you have. We all have, over and over again.
They are quibbling over details and semantics. Who cares if it was in the bathroom or the kitchen? That's a rabbit trail! They are incorrectly assuming that there is just one true version of what happened.
The fact is, every conflict includes two truths, two true versions of what happened. You have your truth — how you experienced the event. Your spouse has her truth — how she experienced the event. You are right and she is right. You are both right!
Please understand you and your spouse will never — and I mean never — agree on all the details of an event and what happened. The event could be important or trivial; it could be a conflict situation or not. One Cinderella and one Caveman will always see it differently. It's part of the mystery of being married.
One of you won't say, "Wow, honey, after hearing you talk, I realize I'm wrong. It happened the way you said it happened." No! You experienced it differently. Two different persons always have two different perspectives.
So many couples get hung up on this level. Sandy and I did for years. I tried to convince Sandy that I knew the truth, and she tried to convince me she knew the truth. We stopped our relationship cold.
We didn't get any deeper. We didn't get all our feelings out. In fact, we got even angrier. We didn't get understanding. We didn't resolve the conflict. We got gummed up, and we damaged our marriage. These conversations ended with both of us convinced the other was lying.
We finally figured out how to get through conflicts in a new and better way. A way that protects our marriage and actually creates more intimacy. Our way will work for you too.
Read Part Two
Taken from Cinderella Meets the Caveman by Dr. David E. Clarke
Read more at davidclarkeseminars.com
By Dr. David E. Clarke Copyright © 2007 Dr. David E. Clarke. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Published by Harvest House Publishers.
