Do you know how to surprise and delight your wife in specific ways in each of the following areas?
• sex
• clothing sizes, styles, and stores
• jewelry
• health
• exercise
• books and magazines
• movies
• the arts
• sports
• food
• music
• entertainment
• places to visit
• intellectual interests
• hobbies
• vacations/getaways
• and, of course, sex
Do you know how your wife is faring in each of these areas?
• theological knowledge
• practice of the spiritual disciplines
• growth in godliness
• spiritual gifts that can be used to serve others
• involvement in the local church
• relationship with children
• relationship with parents
• relationship with in-laws
• relationship with friends
• personal retreats
• fears
• hopes
• dreams
• disappointments
• temptations
How much of this information do you have readily available to you, preferably in written form? How much do you really know about your wife in each of these areas?
Processing and planning
Studying our wives and gathering information, of course, is only step one. We must not confuse being
informed with being transformed. Transformation doesn't just happen automatically or effortlessly. It is the fruit of application and action.
This is precisely where most men fail, including me. And it should be no mystery why, gentlemen. We have a tendency to be lazy and selfish. Genuine growth involves grace-motivated work, even extended effort. Our information-gathering must be followed by detailed planning and follow-through. Romance occurs when what you know about your wife is specifically applied.
Let me tell you about a practice that I have been engaging in for years and have found immensely helpful. For me, this approach happens to work. You might want to consider trying it ... or create your own. The important thing is that you have some practice that you maintain on a frequent, regular basis. Otherwise all your efforts to learn about your wife will have little actual effect.
Every week, on Sunday evening or Monday morning, I get away to the local Starbucks. Armed with my PDA and a cup of steaming raspberry mocha, I review several things: my roles (husband, father, pastor, etc.), my to-do list, my schedule for the coming week, the book I'm reading, and a message I've heard recently.
The heart of this time is when I define, for each of my roles, what is most important for me to accomplish during the next seven days. I have learned that if I do not define the important, then during the week that which is merely urgent will rush in, disguised as the truly important, and will crowd out everything else.
For each of my roles I identify no more than three important goals I can accomplish that week, and I insert them into my schedule. I'm careful not to load myself down with more than is realistic. This is how the important is identified and protected. The process is absolutely crucial, but it often takes no more than 15 or 20 minutes. (Then, as the week progresses, I make sure my plans are still on track.)
This is obviously not a significant investment of time. But without it a great deal of what I heard and read and learned in the preceding week would be forgotten or left unapplied. Without it I would go through life governed by what seems to be the most urgent thing clamoring for my attention. The truly important things would often go unattended. But with it, as each week unfolds and I find myself engaged in activities that are truly intentional, purposeful, and central, I regularly realize that a particular interaction with my wife is benefiting directly from that time in the coffee shop.
So please don't make the mistake of thinking that simply by reading this you are being changed. I wish it were that easy. But change does not take place until we apply what we are learning in very specific ways, at very specific times, and always in dependence on God's grace to make our efforts effective.
It's just not possible to grow in your love for anything that you take for granted, especially your wife. To increase marital romance, you must study and cherish the object of your affection through the regular investment of time and energy.
As men we are all too eager to touch our wives' bodies before we have taken the time to touch their hearts and minds. I'm trying to restrain you from touching her prematurely, so that when the time does come to touch her body, it will have the deepest possible effect.
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