Growing up, I hated school and studying. Well, I hated most studying. But I loved two local sports teams: the University of Maryland Terps — specifically, the basketball team — and my beloved Washington Redskins. Somehow I acquired an impressive body of knowledge about these teams, even as I continued to get lousy grades in school.
While class work was mostly drudgery, learning about the Terps and Skins was effortless joy. I loved to watch them, think about them, read about them, talk about them, and listen to games on the radio. To absorb everything I possibly could about these guys — to study them — was rich food for my schoolboy's soul.
Why was that kind of learning so easy for me when formal education was so hard? What made the difference?
No secret there. What we love, we want to learn about. And what we love to study, we come to love even more. That's just the way God has wired us. I loved the Terps and Skins; so learning about them and growing in my zeal for them was a totally natural process.
I still enjoy following those teams, but my strongest passions now lie elsewhere.
My highest and greatest love will always be reserved for God, for when I was His enemy and worthy of His righteous wrath, in His great mercy He sent His only Son to live a perfect life and die a perfect death in my place. But after my love for God, nothing compares to the passion I hold for Carolyn, my wife.
Because I have this passion for her, I have studied her. I've noticed and noted details about her. All kinds of details. Everything from the kinds of snacks she likes, to what certain facial expressions reveal, to this one particular freckle that only I see.
It has been my privilege to be a student of Carolyn since before our engagement. As I have studied her—seeking to learn what pleases, excites, honors, encourages, refreshes, and helps her — my love for her has only increased.
The truth that can change your marriage
There is a truth that should be emblazoned on the heart of every husband. If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this:
In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body.
This, gentlemen, is a truth that can change your marriage. Nothing kindles erotic romance in a marriage like a husband who knows how to touch the heart and mind of his wife before he touches her body.
Too often we reverse the order. We touch her body prematurely and expect that she will respond immediately and passionately. Normally that's not how it works.
Some of you have been married a relatively short time, while others have spent decades with your wife. Whatever your situation, we all have this in common: There is still much we can and should be learning about that unique and precious woman who is our wife, that gift from God to whom we have pledged our lifelong devotion. There are two primary ways we can learn how to touch her heart and mind: by studying her and by asking her questions.
If you have children living in the home, then of all the questions you could ask her, this one is especially revealing:
Do you feel more like a mother or a wife?
(If you don't have children at home, replace "mother" with whatever role is likely to be in competition with "wife." It might be something like "homemaker," "employee," or "professional." Then you can apply the principles in this section to your specific circumstances.)
There can be a selfish, sinful tendency among husbands to view their wives as a goal that, once achieved, is then taken for granted. That is how a wife with children comes to feel primarily like a mother. And that is why the very idea of asking a question like this can cause many husbands to swallow hard and consider going off to watch a little TV. But please don't — I want this to be an encouragement to you.
There may be many children in your family, from infants to 20-somethings. A variety of legitimate activities may consume huge quantities of your wife's time. Health, finances, or other factors may present significant, ongoing challenges. But whatever your situation, if you make it a priority to love and care for your wife as Christ does the Church, God will touch her heart so that, even when surrounded by diapers, dishes, and diseases, she can answer that question with joy: "I feel more like a wife."
Not for a moment am I denying the importance of a mother's role. Carolyn and I have four children (with our grandchildren count continuing to rise). Motherhood is exceptionally important. It calls for immense sacrifices and deserves great honor. But I can say with full conviction that according to Scripture, motherhood is never to be a wife's primary role. In fact, I think the most effective mothers are wives who are being continually, biblically romanced by their husbands.
As for you, your primary role is not to raise your children (or to excel in your career or immerse yourself in hobbies or anything else) but to build a marriage by God's grace that reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. That's why the most effective fathers are husbands who make it their aim to love their wives biblically.
Godly children, whose lives bring much glory to the Lord and much delight to their parents, come from truly biblical marriages. As you learn more and more how to love and lead your wife as Christ does the Church, you will become a more godly, wise, loving, compassionate, Christlike father to your children. And your wife will become more full of joy, hope, and peace and will radiate more of the love and grace of God in all she does.
Your children should be able to look at your life and know beyond any doubt that they have the great privilege of being the most important people in the world to you ... right after their mom.
Learning and gathering
As a romancer of my wife, I know that my essential role is that of a student and a planner. So I constantly keep my eyes and ears open for ideas to record. I've been known not to hear my name called in a doctor's office because I am furiously scribbling information from a magazine article.
I keep track of good getaway spots, ideas for dates, and many other bits of useful information. I know what to record because I have studied my wife — her life, her preferences, and her responsibilities — and have learned what makes her tick, romantically speaking. And I learned a long time ago that no matter how amazed or impressed I am by an idea or thought, I almost certainly will forget it if I don't write it down. These notes are my building blocks for creating and cultivating a more romantic marriage.
To learn how to touch your wife's heart and mind, you must study her. Here are two lists that may be helpful. You can probably add to them.
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