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The Marriage Code
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By Bill & Pam Farrel
Without a doubt, the last statement, "the freedom to be who I am today," is at the heart of what it means to be secure. As women, our lives are constantly changing. It begins with the "gift" of menstruation. This lovely part of our lives guarantees that our emotions, our bodies, and our outlook on life are in constant motion. Some days we feel great about ourselves and are ready to face any challenge. On other days, we feel bloated and ugly and worthless. Still other days find us sad, anxious, and overreacting. And these days come and go every month! As a result, we are very "interesting" to live with. You might have clues your wife is struggling with PMS when:
• She stops reading
Glamour and starts reading
Guns and Ammo.
• She considers chocolate a major food group.
• She retains more water than Lake Superior.
• She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and chambers one.
• She buys you a new T-shirt with a bull's-eye on the front.
• You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table, and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
• She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
• She orders three Big Macs, four large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then screams at the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
In our hearts, we long to find someone who will accept us and love us through the good days and bad days that happen so close to each other. We carry a silent fear that our emotional swings will eventually drive away our husbands, which make this need even more sensitive. As a result, we often react to our spouses with either outbursts or silence. Our reactions tend to be so strong that our husbands actually think we are confident about what we are doing.
This misinterpreted confidence most often shows up in conversation. It has been proven that we women can sense when something is wrong in the important relationships in our lives. When the realization hits us, we begin to bring up the issues. We may not know exactly what the issue is; we just know there is one. Our poor husbands think we know what the issue is because we approach the conversation with such intensity. We don't want to admit that we are searching because that will make us feel incompetent and insecure. We may even be aware that we are being unreasonable, but we continue with the hope that he can handle us.
Bill and I were sitting at my computer working on a project together. I didn't know why, but I was upset with him. Everything he said to me was irritating. His ideas felt like controlling statements. I felt a strange resistance in my heart to everything he wanted to do. Bill tried numerous times to break through, to no avail.
In frustration, he finally blurted out, "Wow, you really miss me, don't you?"
It was as if a plug was pulled and all the frustration drained out of me. He had nailed my emotional need for security right on the head. His schedule had been so hectic during that time of our life, I began to wonder if he thought I was more important than his work and if I would ever have his full attention again. Just having him notice my pain was enough to release it. I immediately relaxed in my chair, smiled at Bill, and sheepishly said, "Yes. Could you tell?" Of course he could tell. He had just pointed it out, but I wanted to hear him say it.
His acceptance and compassion for who I was changed the environment of the rest of the day. It was one of those days for me as a woman when things look overwhelming, and I needed to hear that I was secure with Bill. I still battled frustration all day, but we faced it together rather than me taking it out on Bill.
Copyright © 2009 by Bill & Pam Farrel, adapted from
The Marriage Code, published by Harvest House Publishers. Used with permission.
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