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The Marriage Code
By Bill & Pam Farrel
So, what is "the marriage code"? It is a combination of usernames and passwords that grant you access to the best parts of your relationship. When these codes are in place, your relationship appears to be relatively easy. The way you interact, love, argue, and make decisions is satisfying for you as a couple. When the code is missing, all the systems of your relationship are awkward. You fail in your attempts to connect emotionally, your love for each other is elusive, and you seem to disagree on just about everything.
The following are important truths you need to know about your marriage code:
• It is obvious when the code is in place because your relationship works well.
• It is just as obvious when the code is not in place because almost everything is out of sync.
• Entering the marriage code into your relationship is a daily exercise. In the same way that you need to enter a username and password into your computer each time you start it up, your love relationship needs an access code every day.
• The marriage code is based on the most common needs that men and women have.
You may be asking, "Why do we need a code to figure each other out? Can't it just be simple? Can't we discover a rhythm for our relationship and stay in that rhythm?" We hate to have to say to you that it is just not that simplistic. You are very different from one another, and you have different needs at the core of who you are. These needs shape the way you approach life and the way you interact in relationships.
So, just what are these core needs? Every person has the need to be secure and to be successful.
Security is the belief that it is safe to be who I am. Somewhere along the path of your life, you come to the realization that you have only so much control over your life. You have been given a personality that determines your preferences and motivations. You have been created either male or female with all the hormonal, emotional, and social challenges that go along with your gender. You have a certain level of intellectual prowess and talents that you can apply to your life. Finally, you have a body that is remarkable in its abilities but vulnerable to your environment. As a result, you must devote energy in your life to developing and maintaining a secure environment for yourself and your loved ones.
Success is the belief that my life is workable. I can do what is required of me in the pursuits and responsibilities that I have committed to. It includes having a productive career and making enough money for the family, but it is not limited to this. Your sense of success will also encompass the way you interact with each other, raise your children, take care of your body, cope with stress, make decisions, and manage your time. It will also be expressed in your sense of purpose. You may not be able to clearly state your purpose, but you have a sense of whether your life matters, and you like life better when it feels like it matters.
The Balancing Act
As a single person, you were probably good at keeping these needs in balance. Since you could make all the decisions for your life, you were free to develop just how much you wanted to focus on security and how much you wanted to focus on success. During your dating years, it was probably also relatively simple to maintain the balance you are most comfortable with because you could always go back to your home at the end of the day. Even if you encountered rough times, you would naturally take a break from one another, reestablish your equilibrium as an individual, and then get back together again.
Then you decided to get married. As a couple, you have probably discovered that you approach security and success differently.
The Quest for Security
For most women, security is a more vibrant and common need than success. It isn't that we don't want to succeed; it is simply that we view success as a means for providing security. The need to feel secure is the need we feel most often, and it determines the quality of everything in our lives. Security is often difficult for men to understand because it is all consuming in our lives, and it changes faces quickly. Security in our lives includes:
• Physical safety
• Having enough money to meet our family's needs
• Being valued by the people we love the most
• Having opportunities to express ourselves and our convictions
• Having opportunities to be productive
• Having a place to call home
• Having time to take care of ourselves
• Being pampered every once in a while
• Knowing that my husband cares about the things that are important to me
• The freedom to be who I am today
Copyright © 2009 by Bill & Pam Farrel, adapted from
The Marriage Code, published by Harvest House Publishers. Used with permission.
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