There is something in some women that chafes at the idea of giving up a career. I guess it is a fear of missing the job and having to redefine one's identity or being taken for granted by a hubby. What do you say to women like that?

First off I would say that it certainly isn’t necessary to give up your career to support your husband’s! I love my work as well and can’t imagine giving it up entirely after our baby is born, though at that point I expect to work much less. As for being taken for granted, there’s always a danger of that in any marriage and it’s something you have to constantly work at. What I can tell you is this: None of the men I interviewed for my book acted like their wives’ contribution to their success was simply their due. From Fortune 500 CEOs to professional athletes to national journalists, they expressed the deepest gratitude for their wives’ help, and in very specific ways, too. They were all able to give me detailed examples of how their wives gave them an advantage in the workplace, so that tells me they weren’t taking it for granted.

WIFE AS COACH

How can a wife be a partner, a coach?

When I say coach, I’m not talking about being in charge; I’m talking about a wife offering guidance and hands-on assistance based on her unique vantage point. She knows her husband better than anyone else in the world and is in a better position to know what his strengths are and what areas he might need her help in.

There are numerous ways to apply this. Some of the ones I detail in my book are motivating, networking, advising, and practicing good public relations techniques. Wives can also use their specific skills to help their husbands. I’ve constantly used my skills as a writer to help Brian throughout his broadcasting career. First writing resumes and cover-letters, then suggesting good story ideas for his pitch meetings, and networking by writing notes now and then to former colleagues. It all has an impact.

HOW MARRIAGE MAKES MEN BETTER

What is it about marriage that changes men, makes them better?

I can’t claim credit for this idea either; it is based on the research of some wonderfully gifted sociologists like the late Dr. Steven Nock. Marriage makes men better because it makes them men. It creates in them a sense of adult responsibility—first responsibility for their wives, then their children, and then their community. They become more stable, they work harder, they spend more time with their extended families, they drink less, they are less likely to get into legal trouble, and they are more likely to give to charity.

Marriage is the conduit by which males begin to view themselves as men, and society begins to view them that way, too. It is also part of the reason for the marriage premium, the economic phenomenon wherein married men make between 20 to 50 percent more money than otherwise identical single men.

BALANCING HIS WORK AND REST

How do you encourage a husband to find that healthy balance between work and rest so that he doesn’t feel compelled to become a workaholic to prove himself at the office?

When I wrote the chapter on this, I had to be honest that many women use the time-tested method of “putting their foot down”! They simply schedule family vacations and make arrangements with coworkers and assistants that their husband should not receive any work calls that aren’t emergencies.

But I also included a lot of research that proves that constant, unending work actually damages productivity. The best way to convince a workaholic that he needs to recharge his batteries is to show him the incontrovertible evidence that his work will suffer if he doesn’t. Christian wives also have the advantage of going to the Bible. God makes it quite clear that we all need rest.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Much in your book is a look at how men and women basically differ. Can you touch on some of those differences between men and women – how the brain is wired, communication style, etc.?

There are countless examples of this, but a great one is advising. Ask a man for advice and he will look at the hard data, apply it to the potential options, then give you his opinion. It’s a very mechanical method. Women approach advising in a much more relational way. The way our brains are wired allow us to pick up much more emotional data than men do. We are much better at apprehending when someone isn’t being honest or when someone is holding something back.

So when a wife advises her husband, she isn’t just looking at the facts. For example, she won’t just say, yes, you should hire that person because his resume says he went to Harvard, as a man would. She would say, “Well, after having dinner with him, I really think his analytical personality would complement your work style well and he would bring something new to the team.” Many of the men I profiled in my book rely on their wives for this kind of insight.

WHY MEN LOOK TO THEIR WIVES FOR ADVICE

Why do so many successful men look to their wives for input and advice? What do wives offer that a professional advisor can’t?

Well, the foremost reason is that they trust their wives—men know that more than anyone else in their lives, their wives want the best for them and they are unlikely to have ulterior motives behind their advice. The second is that they know their husbands better than anyone else. A professional advisor may be able to look at company or department data, but he doesn’t know your husband’s working style the way you do.

A WOMAN’S POWER

Women are so prone to take the power they might have to help their husbands and use it either for themselves or against their husbands. Why do women tend to do that, and how can women learn to use their power effectively within a marriage?

Despite feminist characterizations of women as powerless in their marriages, the reality is that women have always held great power over the men in their lives. We see this modeled throughout the Bible, both on the negative side with the women like Jezebel, and on the positive side with wives like Esther. I had to laugh recently when I saw a new Pew study that showed that women hold most of the decision-making power in their marriages—something that’s hardly news to average Americans.

However, there is a big difference between responsibly wielding influence as a wise help-mate and clawing to be in charge. And, frankly, I think most wives feel the difference when we’re in the midst of acting. I know I’ve done both, and one of the best ways I can tell when I’m approaching from a controlling position is Brian’s reaction. He has no problem when I give my opinion or offer suggestions, provided I acknowledge the decision is ultimately his. But if I try to manipulate him into doing what I want, he reacts negatively, as well he should.

The way I combat that is to remember how ineffective it is. Even if Brian were to do what I wanted out of manipulation or controlling, it damages our relationship. However, straightforward, no-agenda conversation is good for both of us.

As to why women are tempted to do that, I think it’s really just part of the curse. It’s something that will always be a struggle for us in this fallen world.

                         

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