It's always amusing to read about new studies that come out with 'findings' that are incredibly obvious. Like just last year when the newspapers and periodicals were a flurry with the report from a team of sex therapists.
The exciting new report in the
Journal of Sexual Medicine concluded that the optimum time for intercourse was three to thirteen minutes. This, apparently, was groundbreaking news for the researchers. They gathered 1,500 couples, armed the women with stopwatches, and asked them to gauge how long it took to have mutually satisfying sex. The study concluded that the median time was 7.3 minutes, dispelling the belief that 'if you really want to satisfy your partner, you should last forever.'
Last forever ... are they kidding? First off, that's a myth of male proportions promulgated in men's locker rooms. Second, who has that kind of time? My girlfriends and I are busy, busy women; we don't want to have a man who's not interested in getting things going on. If indeed we did—wait around for the perfect, longest-lasting moment the sex therapist team seems to be thinking that we want to have—our dear husbands simply wouldn't get any at all.
For goodness' sake, when my kids were toddlers, by the time they were tucked into bed and right before my head hit the pillow, there were truly only a few viable moments when sex sounded even vaguely appealing. I was so wiped out that if my husband thought about making things
I would have politely refused, opting for sleep instead. Then fast-forward a few, and we've got a houseful of teenagers—we both just wish for a time when we can outlast their night-owl tendencies. Or hope they'll stay in the shower long enough for us to catch a quickie before they get out of the bathroom.
Whatever happened to the quickie, by the way? You'd think that the researchers would have heard of that one. I know all my girlfriends have. They're those tiny moments that married couples regard as golden opportunities. Little snippets of time devoted to reconnecting sexually. Women know that it takes some serious creativity to manage not only setting at least a semi-sizzling mood but securing some privacy as well. Whether an afternoon quickie in bed (and making it up in time so that the kids aren't suspicious), in the closet (I have one girlfriend who says her walk-in is the default location), or in the shower (lock that bathroom door)—the wives I know are masters of what I call speed sex.
Step-by-Step Speed Sex
Let me start by telling you what speed sex is not. It's not just 'servicing' a man. And it's not about settling for unsatisfying sex. And it's not about checking sex off a long to-do list. It's not about that at all. It is, however, a pragmatic approach to marital sex. It's about being creative and thoughtful. It's about being available and responsive. It's about understanding the truth about sex: that sex is a really big deal in marriage ... and it should be. It's about realizing that if you intend to have a healthy physical relationship with your husband, then you might need to find creative, spontaneous, and yes, sometimes even speedy ways to approach the thing. I have to be honest here: I think understanding and utilizing speed sex
could revolutionize your marriage. But I'm certainly not going to make any promises that you aren't willing to keep.
Sex Is a Big Deal Because God Made It That Way
The first step in getting friendly with the speed sex approach is to realize the importance of sex in marriage. It's not just about baby making and it's not just for pleasure either. In
Intimate Issuesby Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, the authors outline six key reasons sex is truly a gift from God. I really like their list and wholeheartedly agree with them. So, are you ready? Here we go:
God made sex to create life.
God made sex for intimate oneness.
God made sex for personal, physical knowledge of one another.
God made sex for pleasure.
God made sex as a defense against temptation.
And finally, God made sex for comfort.
To me, that list goes back and forth like waves hitting the beach. Life. Oneness. Knowledge. Pleasure. Defense. Comfort. The amazing love expression spoken between a husband and wife. You've got to admit, God did a fabulous thing in creating sex, and he was pure genius to keep it within the framework of the covenant of marriage. There's no place better to appreciate the vulnerability, the nakedness—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Now, maybe you understand the importance of sex, but you just don't feel it. And you don't feel like doing anything about it. Well, you're not alone. Many women are the same way. As a matter of fact, psychiatrist Anita Clayton says that while men regard dissatisfaction in the bedroom as a crisis, women simply settle for less. Maybe you've been there, done that—after a long day's work, you succumb to the overtures from your husband without feeling any connection at all. And then you end up feeling as though you simply settled for less. It's a common occurrence, but one that, given some needed perspective, doesn't have to be.
Perhaps settling for less is a result of women failing to understand the aforementioned list. Just maybe, we've fallen prey to thinking of sex as just physical—like what we see portrayed in the media—and we've failed to remember that sex is much more than physical. It's emotional and spiritual too.