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Sheri and Jim
As told to Growthtrac Jim... By today's statistics, our marriage should have been over years ago.
We married young — Sheri 19, and me barely 21 (I'll never let our daughters marry that young!) We were best friends and in love through high school — marriage was the next step. There was no preparation, no marriage seminar, no reality checks. We winged it. Trial and error. Sheri... We both had a lot of growing up to do. Only through sheer luck did our marriage stay together. Jim... We quickly discovered differences in our temperaments and family backgrounds that often caused conflict. Sheri had a bad temper and I was disconnected. Sheri... When we had arguments they were HUGE! We didn't have any idea what communication and conflict resolution looked like. We often resolved things by burying our emotions in the bedroom. Therefore, nothing ever truly was resolved. Jim... Five years in to our marriage I already had made two upward career moves and we were building our second house. Our oldest daughter, Kristin, was on the way. Sheri... Jim was so wrapped up in his career he was clueless. I was miserable and didn't know how to tell him. Jim... Sheri and I loved each other. Sure, we had problems, the same issues everyone else had. But by my standards, we had a successful marriage. Looking back I see we were mechanically, instinctively following the roadmap everyone else followed: get married, buy the house, have children, pay the bills. I didn't know it then, but there was emptiness to that routine. What did "happily married" mean? How did we define "success"? If we had sex, things must be okay. If I avoided conflict, Sheri must be happy. A deeper intimacy, a higher standard we were missing. Sheri... Our first major speed bump came when I was expecting our second daughter. Things went terribly wrong during her delivery and I came very close to losing my life. The doctor told us not to risk having more children — that was emotionally trying. Six months later I was facing major surgery and terrified I would die and leave a husband and two young children behind. We started attending a small church, mainly for the kid's benefit. One Sunday I found myself down on my knees, asking God to take over the whole situation. I couldn't get through this on my own. I asked God to be the leader of my life — my refuge — and to forgive my sins. A couple weeks later I went into surgery with such an awesome peace. I knew God was beside me and He would handle everything, no matter the outcome. The surgery was successful, but that wasn't all...
I felt myself changing inside. I had a new sense of patience and forgiveness towards Jim and the girls. I was slowly learning to control my temper and my four-letter words. I realized God had a different plan for me and our marriage. Unfortunately it would be almost two more years before Jim felt a need for God. Jim... I knew something had "happened" to Sheri, but I couldn't relate. We weren't on the same page spiritually. A few years later I saw an opportunity. I was tired of the nine-to-five and dreamed of more time, more money, a secure future. Self-employment was the answer! (laughs) I was following my dream, so no sacrifice was too high — financial, relational, health. I was even willing to backburner marriage for a while. We struggled through two unprofitable years. It was like supporting two households, struggling to make two mortgages. Some months we had to decide: do we make the mortgage payment or pay the store rent? The stress was intense. Long hours and fear of failure were taking their toll. My health was fading. My marriage was collapsing and we were $80,000 in debt. Sheri... There was no time for our relationship and no time for Jim to spend with our daughters. I felt the business was Jim's mistress and I was raising our two daughters alone. Jim... As a business owner I was optimistic, always counting on the next sales promotion or Yellow Page ad to save the business. I had to do it myself. I didn't want anyone — including God — to interfere. It was a pride thing. And I was in too deep. I can tell you now all that happened for a reason. God was working on me. Though I hadn't attended church in years, parochial school and Sunday mass as a child gave me a belief system, a spiritual foundation. But that religious knowledge wasn't going to solve this disaster. I believed in God and Jesus, but it wasn't personal. He seemed far removed from my situation. Besides, what was God going to do, step in and pay my bills? Sheri... At this time, all I could do was pray for Jim. No matter what I said or did, he didn't want to hear it. I asked God for patience and wisdom everyday. Also, to work a miracle in our marriage. Jim... At my absolute low point, a friend and colleague invited us to a new church. We started attending. Gradually, Sunday-by-Sunday, I began to hear about a personal God; A God who wanted a relationship with me. I learned that God isn't that concerned about the good and bad things I do — He's not keeping score. I discovered it's possible to enter in to a dynamic, personal relationship with God, through Jesus Christ. I began to process that. A few weeks later I hit bottom — I had nowhere to look but "up". I was alone, driving on a rainy night. Suddenly I gave in. I realized I had turned my back on God for thirty years of my life. I understood I was a sinner in need of a savior. I prayed and asked Jesus to be my savior and friend and to lead me through life. I trusted Him with the wreckage all around me: my marriage, my finances, my marriage, my health. Believe me, it was scary. I didn't know what God had in mind. What was he going to do with me? Was I good enough? Could I be a Christian? I was about 80% "there" — the rest was faith. Sheri... To say I celebrated Jim's decision would be an understatement. I was so excited for him and our marriage. The last two years had been so hard. Gradually, we discovered what our marriage was missing. We had never developed a mutual direction for our marriage. We lacked a true oneness, a deep connectedness only God could provide. God healed our hearts toward each other. He allowed us to forgive past hurts and broken promises. To delight in one another and the uniqueness we bring to the relationship. He deepened our intimacy and made it richer. After 25 years of marriage, I think our sex life is better now than when we first were married. We have allowed God to be at the center of our marriage. He is our leader, our compass, our guide. We now know that we will spend a lifetime together. The word "divorce" is not in our dictionary. Jim... Fifteen years later, the business has long since closed, our finances are cleaned up... And our lives have changed. Church and relationships have become important to me. Gradually my values and priorities changed. Career became less important. I learned about spiritual gifts and started volunteering in ministry around the church. I never imagined these things could be so satisfying and exciting. The most dramatic change is in our marriage. We're more patient and we've learned to serve each other. There's a deeper love. The difference is we have God in common. Sheri... I have witnessed dramatic changes in Jim. He had been so self-absorbed and insensitive. We were not his top priority — His career was. Today, God is number one in his life. His priorities are God, me and then the girls. His heart is softer. He is a man who truly loves the Lord. He is more romantic and tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me everyday. Jim... Years ago, I hesitated becoming a Christian because I was afraid of how my life might change. I wondered if I could act like a Christian. The "Christian life" was not attractive to me. That was scary. I can tell you now, I am very happy. Surprisingly, my free will and intellect are still intact. In the marketplace, I've moved up in position and income. But career is a lower priority. God is first, marriage second, then the job. The most satisfying thing in my life right now is serving God. I make no apology for that. And that freedom I was seeking through self-employment... I have it now. I can see clearly now what that disaster was all about. I needed that to make me look to God for help. Nothing less would have worked. My independence and comfortable life kept me from knowing God. Sheri... God makes no guarantees about a trouble-free life. In fact, He says we will have trials. During our deepest, hardest struggles God has done His best work in us. We have to come to realize the importance of not doing marriage alone. We have developed a marriage Board of Directors whose sole purpose is to keep us accountable for our marriage. They also love us and pray for us during difficult times. They are always there to remind us of God's unfailing love and faithfulness even when we don't feel His presence. In the bible [Revelations 3:20], Jesus says, "I stand at the door and knock." He didn't force His way into my life. He quietly knocked on the door to my heart for years. It took a lot of courage and humility to finally open that door. No one could do it for me. This was the missing piece to our marriage and my life.
Jim Mueller is the founder and principle architect of Growthtrac. Jim and his wife Sheri are marriage mentors and will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year. Copyright © 2001, Growthtrac Read more about Jim and Sheri here.
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