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Sex on Request
By Lee J. Langley
Sex is almost always a topic of conversation at some point in couples counseling. The husband complains there isn't enough sex, while the wife laments that she's too tired, overwhelmed, or not feeling loved enough to be motivated for sex. Of course, husbands can also be guilty of rejecting their wives' advances, with equally negative consequences. Unless the couple is able to resolve this dilemma, the tension between the spouses is usually played out in a variety of unhealthy and unproductive ways. Often, a couple finds themselves fighting about things that have nothing at all to do with intimacy as a substitute for confronting the real issue.
Husbands who treat their wives harshly often claim that they feel disrespected in their homes. Sometimes, the husbands aren't even able to articulate why they are acting badly toward their wives. What they fail to understand is that their wives are usually responding to their husband's unloving behavior. As Dr. Emerson Eggerichs illustrates so clearly in his seminal book, Love and Respect, this destructive "crazy cycle" is circular and builds in intensity over time. Dr. Eggerichs points out that there is no justification for a husband to say: "I will love my wife after she respects me", nor for a wife to say: "I will respect my husband after he loves me".
At this point in my couples' sessions I usually need to explain that when we talk about "respecting" husbands, we mean that the wife is to act respectfully, even if she feels the husband hasn't earned respect. And when we say the husband is to "love" his wife, we mean that the husband is to treat his wife in ways that she values as loving, unconditionally. Of course, this isn't natural behavior. When a wife feels hurt, it's almost impossible for her to act in a respectful way. Dr. Eggerichs explains that doing something when you really don't feel you want to do it, is an act of faith.
A husband caught up in the "crazy cycle" might approach his wife for sex and encounter what he feels is rejection. He is oblivious to the fact that he has been sarcastic or harsh with her (or the kids) only hours before. Perhaps he failed to include her in an important decision or failed to follow through on something he promised that was important to her. If this situation is repeated again and again, rather than beginning a dialogue on the subject, he'll start to distance himself from his wife, giving her the "cold shoulder". The "cold shoulder" can also include rejecting her own attempts to initiate sex. By withdrawing his affection he avoids additional rejection and exacts payback for the wounding he feels he's endured. This pattern may seem obvious, and it is common indeed. What's not so obvious is the insidious effect this tension has on the relationship over time, as negativity builds and the spouses begin to find fault in each other over issues that would, in the past, have been considered trivial.
Wives are often not aware of how hurt their husbands are by their rejection and husbands are equally oblivious to how unloved their wives are feeling, as their arguments rarely involve sex itself. The pattern continues as the wife is furious that her mate leaves his wet towel on the bathroom floor and he's incensed that she spends an hour on the phone with her sister every night. Frequently, these complaints are merely more comfortable substitutes for the unspoken topic: SEX.Of course, the sex — or lack thereof — in this context, often represents the level of closeness and trust present in the relationship at the time. When the topic of sex is actually discussed, the air is usually highly charged with hurt and anger, thus inhibiting any truly satisfying outcome. The danger is that sex, more specifically, the withholding of sex, often becomes a tool through which the spouses express their pain and disappointments.
Copyright © 2012 by Lee J. Langley, M.S., MFT. Used with permission
Lee J. Langley, M.S., MFT is a therapist in private practice (Cornerstone Counseling) in Valencia, California specializing in Christian-based counseling for couples, individuals, and families in the Santa Clarita Valley. Mr. Langley obtained his M.S. (Counseling) degree in 1993 from California State University, Northridge and has been providing Christian-based counseling to the Santa Clarita community as a licensed marriage and family therapist since 1997. Contact Lee Langley at (661) 297-7255.
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