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4 Steps to Repairing Trust in Your Relationship
By Steve Arterburn
Since we are all sinful dysfunctional people who at some time will
prove ourselves to be untrustworthy,every important relationship in our
life will require the rebuilding of trustat some point in time.
Sometimes it may only be a slight ‘remodeling’ while atother times it
will be a complete ‘rebuilding’ process. In some of ourrelationships it
may seem much easier to just cut and run. We decide therelationship
isn’t worth the effort of rebuilding. And this may be true in
somesituations, but seldom is it ever true of marriage. You might even
say that oneof the purposes of marriage is to teach us how to rebuild
trust when it isbroken. Here are the steps to take when trust needs to
be rebuilt.
Step 1: A Sincere confession of the
truth
Let’s use an affair as an example.
Regardless of how one finds out, healing begins when the
betrayerconfesses the whole truth. The whole truth does not mean every
intimatedetail’that puts too much of a burden on the shoulders of the
betrayed spouse.The rule of thumb on how much to confess is this: If I
want to seriouslyrebuild trust with my spouse, I confess anything that,
if it were to found outlater, would undermine the rebuilding of
trust.
If you are dealing with a less painful
betrayal, the principle is still the same. If information has
beenwithheld in the form of a secret, or if one spouse has been lied to
aboutanything, the need for a sincere confession of the truth always
marks thestarting point. Without it, I cannot move forward. Couples who
try to sweep anykind of lie under the carpet risk lessening, or even
losing, the intimacy theylong for.
Step 2: Complete openness on the part of
the betrayer
This is an essential part of the
healing process. The spouse who has had an affair has given up control
of his or her life at least for as long as it takes to rebuild trust.
He or she givesup control by becoming an open book to his/her spouse.
No secrets allowed. Cellphone bills, travel itineraries, whereabouts at
any given point in time,complete accessibility’all of these are part of
our becoming open to our spouseabout all aspects of our life. Anything
less than complete openness restrictsthe rebuilding of trust. The
principle is one of complete openness. There canbe nothing that remains
hidden, or else when it is found out, and it will be,it will destroy
the trust that was reestablished. And the second time trust isbreached
is more serious. There is the old adage that says, ‘Fool me once,shame
on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’ Few marriages can survive the
‘foolme twice’ syndrome.
Step 3: There must be genuine sorrow on
the part of the betrayer
This also is a key to
rebuilding trust. Without it, it’s like building a brick wall without
cement.The goal of rebuilding trust is that at some point there is
genuine sorrow onthe part of the one who lived the lie, and genuine
forgiveness on the part ofthe one betrayed. Without both of these
conditions, the marital reconciliationis going to be very superficial
and very unsatisfying to both parties. Again,the principle is the same,
even for the little lie of omission, or the littlewhite
lie.
When confronted by my spouse, I need to confess
the truth, become completely open about the subject, and showgenuine
sorrow for the betrayal. Every lie in a marriage is a form of
betrayal,and so regardless of the seriousness of the betrayal, the
process is the same.
Step 4: Rebuilding trust takes time and
patience
Rebuilding trust always takes time. The
more serious the offense, the more time it will take for it tobe
repaired. A small lie of omission may take a couple of days, whereas
anaffair may take a year or two just to get to level ground again. So
rebuildingmeans both the offender and the offended need to be patient
with the process.
Copyright © New Life Ministries. Used
by permission of New Life Ministries. New Life Ministries has a variety
of resources on men, women and relationships. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or
visit www.newlife.com.
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