Medic Alert
Just as the person experiencing acute medical distress needs special care, a couple in crisis also needs special treatment. When a person suffers from a severe medical condition, the medic or emergency room doctor doesn’t spend hours gathering a comprehensive patient history. The medical personnel need specific information to stabilize the immediate situation. Long-range decisions can be made later. Long-range plans are irrelevant if the patient is dead.
The same analogy fits the marriage in crisis. The alert counselor doesn’t approach the situation in the same way he or she approaches a longer-term counseling client. This is a time for immediate action that will accomplish several goals:
- stabilize the marriage by decreasing conflict and increasing positive regard
- assess the immediate emergency and set appropriate goals
- prepare for longer-term work
- provide encouragement and hope
At first glance, these may seem like very limited goals. However, if the clinician does not achieve them, there will be no patient to attend to in the weeks ahead. The patient, or in this case the marriage, will be DOA.
An Emergency Mind-Set
When a couple finally hits the bottom and confronts a crisis that could end their marriage, they’re often willing to do
anything to save their relationship.
But what exactly is an emergency mind-set? It includes these attitudes:
- We will do whatever is needed to stabilize this marriage.
- We will start doing those things immediately.
- We will immediately stop doing those things that have created this crisis.
- We will seek the level of help and intervention needed to save this marriage.
Crisis or Opportunity
Although danger is a part of marital crisis, these times also bring incredible opportunity. I’ve been privileged on many occasions to assist couples through marital crises not only in my counseling practice but also in marriage intensives. These are always vulnerable, humbling, and powerful experiences. During three-day, ten-hour counseling sessions, I am able to fully get to know couples and help them discover their destructive patterns. I observe their nonverbal language, the way they approach each other, and the way they speak to each other.
I listen to how they solve their problems (or don’t solve them). Do they find ways to create larger possibilities, or as so often happens, do they become ensnared in petty arguments and hurtful conversations? Once we outline the specific destructive patterns, we’re in a much better position to end them.
Together with your counselor, you can find the destructive patterns and change them into effective interactions. You’ll notice your marriage rebound as you free yourselves from the problems that have threatened your relationship.
If you’re willing to learn new skills, you can make huge improvements. Your crisis can be an opportunity to shed damaging ways of relating and to exchange them for strategies that actually work.
Copyright © 2009 by Dr. David Hawkins, Used with Permission, Published by Harvest House Publishers. Adapted from
10 Lifesavers For Every Couple.
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