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Lee, I remember reading there were times when Leslie was having her bible study and when a husband entered the room the study materials would quickly close and attention would shift to the spouse. Is that okay to do? We don't need to feel guilty about putting God aside because of our spouse?

I don't think we should unnecessarily introduce conflict, anger and turmoil into the relationship. When I would see Leslie studying the bible I would go ballistic. I would belittle her and accuse her of buying into mythology, make believe and bad history. It would have led to an argument.

I think it was wise for Leslie to say, "I can still have my spiritual input under the radar screen. I can study the bible when Lee isn't around. I can get the spiritual input I need in my life without introducing conflict into the relationship.

The bible says, be wise as serpents and gentle as doves. I think that's being wise and gentle in saying I don't want God to become the barrier between us. If I can minimize conflict just by choosing a time that doesn't interfere with my spouse, that's a wise thing to consider.

How can a mismatched couple stay connected and even survive in the midst of continual spiritual conflict.

I think there are three things a couple in an unequally yoked marriage needs to do:

Number one, continue to grow in the relationship with Christ. That might involve bible studies or devotions that are under the radar screen so they don't disrupt the marriage. It's hugely important for the Christian to continue to grow in the relationship with Christ because it's Christ working through you and changing you and your values, character, relationships, attitude, philosophy and world view that will minister most powerfully to your non-believing spouse.

The second thing you need to do is find a spiritual mentor. Find another Christian of the same gender who can be a confidant, an encourager, and a prayer partner, who can speak truth to you and not let you fall into a me and God versus my husband mentality. A mentor will challenge you when you need to be challenged and befriend you through it all so you can remain strong in your faith and even thrive even in the midst of the mismatch.

The third thing is to find those areas of common ground you have with your spouse and build on those. You married this person for a reason. What were those reasons? When you identify those reasons and you say, "There are still things we love to do together regardless of who's a Christian and who isn't a Christian. Let's continue to do that so we don't further drift apart."

How does a person choose a spiritual mentor?

First, ask God to bring a mentor into your life. Pray specifically that He will give you an encourager, a friend who can help deepen your faith and carry you through these difficult times.

If you're a woman, go to the women's ministry at your church. If you're a man, go to the men's ministry. See if there's someone they know who would enjoy having a mentoring relationship with you. Look for a person with spiritual gifts of encouragement, sheparding, discernment, wisdom and teaching. And it might help if the person had once been spiritually mismatched; That is not necessarily a prerequisite, but would give them extra sensitivity.

If you can't find an individual mentor at the church, you might try a small group of Christians. Especially, with Christians who themselves are unequally yoked. A small group can be a great environment to receive support and prayer.

Also, some parachurch organizations can be helpful too. For example, Christian women's clubs that my wife Leslie was involved in, is a place where she met women who were able to build in to her and encourage her. Christian Businessman's Committee [CBMC] have local chapters where mentoring is part of the Operation Timothy program that they provide.

I would say do whatever it takes to find that person and invite them to be a significant part of your life.

At what point might a couple seek outside help such as counseling?

If the non-believing spouse is open to seeing a Christian counselor, then this is an option that can be very helpful whenever there is an ongoing pattern of turbulence or conflict in a relationship.

If the spouse is not interested in going to a Christian counselor, I wouldn't advise the Christian to enter into a counseling relationship with a non-Christian psychologist. I don't think that person will have the insight to provide the kind of spiritual assistance the Christian will need.

A lot of non-believing men are willing to go to a trained, certified counselor, who is also a Christian. They are willing to listen to what that person has to say as long as they don't feel ganged-up on. They will get a third party who will provide wisdom, advice and insight for cooling things when the relational temperature gets too hot.

Lee, how should we pray for an unbelieving spouse?

Praying for an unbelieving spouse is a huge, important part of an unequally yoked marriage. The Christian wants to continue to raise up their spouse to the Lord, in all areas. In our book we provide a prayer guide to get a Christian started praying in a holistic, balanced way for their non-believing partner. We have verses and suggestions to help them get started.

One of the prayers Leslie prayed on a regular basis for me was Ezekiel 36:26. This was a verse the women at the church gave Leslie when she told them she was married to a hard-headed, hard-hearted journalist who she had no hope of ever becoming a Christian. That verse says, "Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Leslie made that her verse that she would continue to pray for me. And sure enough, God did lead me into a relationship with Him and softened my heart and softened my attitude.

As Leslie and I discussed our relationship, we can trace back times in our marriage where I was unusually open to spiritual input that she could trace directly back to prayers she was praying for me.

Also in our book, we talk about the eight "A"'s of prayer. Avoidance, Approach, Adoration, Acknowledgement, Admitting, Asking, Aligning and Acting. This is a way to pray not just in a one note prayer, but in a balanced way that can raise concerns to God over a long period of time. And to be aware there will be people who will pray for their spouse their whole life and their spouse will never become a follower of Jesus. We have to realize that you can be a Christian who is living an exemplary lifestyle, and you can be praying for your spouse relentlessly, and yet they can go to their grave refusing to bend their knee to Jesus Christ.

They have free will and ultimately it's their choice, not yours. If we don't understand and acknowledge that we'll develop false guilt. It's easy to think, "If I just prayed more. If I just prayed better and lived out my faith more consistently, then certainly he'd become a Christian." We begin to heap this guilt upon our self. That's not healthy.

The bible calls on us to love God, to love ourselves and love our spouse. If we do that, we're doing what God called us to do. It's up to our spouse if he or she will ever receive Jesus Christ. Our prayers will be affected by the free will that our non-believing spouse has.

Lee, how were you about knowing that Leslie was praying for you? Did that make you pull back more?

I knew she was praying for me. I knew she desperately wanted me to become a Christian. I was set in my atheistic philosophy and viewpoint; I never took Christianity very seriously. It didn't bother me that she was praying for me, that she wanted me converted to Christianity. I knew ultimately it was my decision. I felt I had made my decision; I wasn't interested in any other perspective. The only thing that changed was me seeing the positive changes Leslie experienced as a follower of Christ.

Not all non-believers are the same. There are cynics that are hostile toward Christianity like I was. There are skeptics who have a lot of intellectual questions. There are spectators, people who are in spiritual neutral. And there are seekers. These are people who are open to investigating if there's truth in Christianity. We recommend different strategies in our book for these different kinds of people.

I was okay knowing Leslie was praying for me. Some non-believers might be upset with that. You have to gauge where your spouse is at on that continuum. You don't want to compromise your faith and not honestly live it out and stop praying. But you want to be sensitive to the way in which you do it.

Should evangelism be the focus of a mis-matched marriage?

The focus of marriage for the Christian should be to love yourself and to love God. As we do those things we're fulfilling what Jesus said when He said, "Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength" and "love your neighbor as yourself." I think that's our responsibility as Christians.

We do have in the Great Commission a directive to be concerned about the spiritual eternities of everyone, especially those we're close to.

So, yes, in a sense our thoughts, prayers and concerns are always focused on helping our spouse understand their need for a savior and their need for forgiveness and redemption through Jesus Christ. How we live that out is the dicey question.

It's lived out primarily through our behavior, looking for opportunities as our spouse becomes more open to articulate and defend the Gospel and in a loving way, hopefully usher our spouse into a relationship with God.

As a way of encouragement to the Christian married to a non-believer, I would say this is not a waste of time in your life. Even thought it may be difficult; there may be turmoil and conflict as a result of your faith and his lack of faith in Jesus Christ, God is going to use the circumstance in your life to mold your character and values in ways that would never had been possible if you had not gone through this valley.

As I see Leslie today, I see a person with great dependence on God, of great prayer, of great spiritual strength. Where did that come from? That came from her going through that very difficult valley in our marriage when I was the atheist and she was the Christian. She called out to God in desperation, prayed frantically and wholeheartedly put her trust in Jesus and relied on Him to carry her through this valley.

Having gone through those difficult times changed Leslie. Today she is a person she may never have otherwise become if she had not gone through that experience.

Even though it is difficult, be aware that God is going to use these circumstances in your life to mold you and change you in ways that may not otherwise have been possible. It's one of the ways that Romans 8:28 comes true in your individual circumstances.



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