print this page

Since we are all sinful dysfunctional people who at some time will prove ourselves to be untrustworthy,every important relationship in our life will require the rebuilding of trustat some point in time. Sometimes it may only be a slight ‘remodeling’ while atother times it will be a complete ‘rebuilding’ process. In some of ourrelationships it may seem much easier to just cut and run. We decide therelationship isn’t worth the effort of rebuilding. And this may be true in somesituations, but seldom is it ever true of marriage. You might even say that oneof the purposes of marriage is to teach us how to rebuild trust when it isbroken. Here are the steps to take when trust needs to be rebuilt.

Step 1: A Sincere confession of the truth
Let’s use an affair as an example. Regardless of how one finds out, healing begins when the betrayerconfesses the whole truth. The whole truth does not mean every intimatedetail’that puts too much of a burden on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse.The rule of thumb on how much to confess is this: If I want to seriouslyrebuild trust with my spouse, I confess anything that, if it were to found outlater, would undermine the rebuilding of trust.

If you are dealing with a less painful betrayal, the principle is still the same. If information has beenwithheld in the form of a secret, or if one spouse has been lied to aboutanything, the need for a sincere confession of the truth always marks thestarting point. Without it, I cannot move forward. Couples who try to sweep anykind of lie under the carpet risk lessening, or even losing, the intimacy theylong for.

Step 2: Complete openness on the part of the betrayer
This is an essential part of the healing process. The spouse who has had an affair has given up control of his or her life at least for as long as it takes to rebuild trust. He or she givesup control by becoming an open book to his/her spouse. No secrets allowed. Cellphone bills, travel itineraries, whereabouts at any given point in time,complete accessibility’all of these are part of our becoming open to our spouseabout all aspects of our life. Anything less than complete openness restrictsthe rebuilding of trust. The principle is one of complete openness. There canbe nothing that remains hidden, or else when it is found out, and it will be,it will destroy the trust that was reestablished. And the second time trust isbreached is more serious. There is the old adage that says, ‘Fool me once,shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’ Few marriages can survive the ‘foolme twice’ syndrome.

Step 3: There must be genuine sorrow on the part of the betrayer
This also is a key to rebuilding trust. Without it, it’s like building a brick wall without cement.The goal of rebuilding trust is that at some point there is genuine sorrow onthe part of the one who lived the lie, and genuine forgiveness on the part ofthe one betrayed. Without both of these conditions, the marital reconciliationis going to be very superficial and very unsatisfying to both parties. Again,the principle is the same, even for the little lie of omission, or the littlewhite lie.

When confronted by my spouse, I need to confess the truth, become completely open about the subject, and showgenuine sorrow for the betrayal. Every lie in a marriage is a form of betrayal,and so regardless of the seriousness of the betrayal, the process is the same.

Step 4: Rebuilding trust takes time and patience
Rebuilding trust always takes time. The more serious the offense, the more time it will take for it tobe repaired. A small lie of omission may take a couple of days, whereas anaffair may take a year or two just to get to level ground again. So rebuildingmeans both the offender and the offended need to be patient with the process.

Read more at www.growthtrac.com