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Most people know when their marriage is in trouble. Although denial may provide temporary relief, it invariably breaks down, and couples eventually realize that something must be done.

Is that where you are today? Perhaps the denial has stopped working. You’re in distress and need a marital miracle, but you’re unsure where to turn. This book is an excellent place to begin.

Although you may have tried to convince yourself that the problems aren’t that serious, you know better. You’ve become less sure about the stability and safety of your marriage. You know things are only going to get worse, but facing the truth is a frightening prospect.

Couples in crisis have a number of issues in common, including the following serious warning signs:

• They experience ongoing conflict without any resolution of problems.
• They become insensitive and demanding of each other.
• They begin wishing for a new relationship.
• They find excuses to spend more and more time away from each other.
• They don’t feel comfortable sharing personal feelings with each other.
• They experience less and less physical intimacy.
• They compare each other unfavorably to others.
• Their relationship is filled with constant criticism and resentment.
• They spread derogatory comments about each other.They make or receive threats of separation or divorce.
• Any of these symptoms is serious. In combination, they are even more threatening.

Fighting Without Resolution

Few things are as destructive as constant fighting. Although any amount of conflict takes its toll, fighting that involves verbal attacks, including sharp words or sarcasm, is especially deadly. Some couples avoid hurtful words and attack with distance instead. All of these behaviors erode the integrity of the marriage.

Perhaps you know couples who bicker about everything. They seem to find some perverse satisfaction in this kind of combat, which continues with no resolution in sight. I call these “round-robin fights” because they revisit the same issues again and again.

This type of endless battle is exhausting. The fighting focuses on people and not on solutions. These destructive habits cause people to lose respect for one another and lead to critical damage to their relationship.

Constant Criticism

Occasional criticism is hard enough to manage in a relationship. Constant criticism is a death blow. No one enjoys being criticized, and should this occur with any kind of frequency, a relationship will find itself in serious trouble. Criticism typically produces defensiveness and countercriticism. This leads to even more defensiveness, and the cycle continues.

John Gottman, in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, describes this process:

Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—usually with blame…Unlike complaints, criticisms tend to be generalizations. A telltale sign that you’ve slipped from complaining to criticizing is if global phrases like “you never” or “you always” start punctuating your exchanges.

Gottman makes the point that complaining about a particular issue, provided you are focused on a specific topic and headed toward resolution, can actually be good for a marriage. However, couples who argue over generalities with no clear focus and who make no effort to solve problems find themselves in serious trouble.

Threats of Separation or Divorce

Nothing is quite like throwing out the explosive D word. Nothing causes your mate more anguish than making threats, especially about divorce or separation. Each of us needs stability and safety, and the spouse who uses these threats as weapons is employing a lethal strategy.

Unfortunately, such threats work only a time or two. After that, both partners are likely to start throwing the D bomb around like an overused four-letter word. One threat leads to other threats, which lead to increased resentment and hostility. The war escalates, and no one wins. The only guarantee is that the marriage will be in crisis.

                         

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