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HUSBAND AS MAIN BREADWINNER

In your estimation, what do wives really want? What statistics do you have to back up your claim?

Well, I would never presume to say what all wives want, but I can comfortably assert that what most wives want, among other things, is for their husbands to take the lead in breadwinning. This doesn’t mean that many women don’t want to work or bring in an income as well, but they want to feel that their husband is providing for them.

Sociological studies show us that women are happiest when their husbands earn 68 percent or more of the family income. Polling shows us that when they become mothers, 80 percent of women prefer to work part-time or fewer hours so they have more time to care for their children. Divorce statistics reveal that marriages in which both spouses earn about the same are more likely to break-up, as are marriages in which the wife is the major breadwinner. Marriages in which the husband earns the majority of the household income are more stable and both spouses report higher levels of marital satisfaction. This doesn’t mean that some couples aren’t happy or can’t have successful marriages reversing tradition breadwinning roles, but it does mean the majority of women don’t want that.

Of course, life can sometimes intervene and hard times come along where both spouses need to do what they can to provide financially for their family. But most women still prefer their husband to take the lead in that.

MINING PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Where did this bright idea that to get what you personally wanted as a wife – a more flexible schedule with the option to scale back work or not work at all – you needed to invest in your husband’s career?

Like a lot of young guys today, during his late twenties my husband, Brian, was rather lost professionally. He would be the first to tell you he spent his early years after college floating from one job to another without really pinning down what he would be good at or what he wanted to do. So we went into marriage without him having a real career path, and that quickly became a sore point in our relationship. I harbored a lot fear and resentment, worrying that I wouldn’t be able to cut back on work once we had children. And because of that, I handled our situation badly at first, pushing him to accept a job he didn’t like but where he made a lot of money.

Then I happened to read David McCullough’s biography of John Adams. In that book, Abigail Adams was such a model of a godly wife, such a wise helper to her husband in all things but particularly in his work, that I was inspired by her example. I decided I would use all my abilities to help Brian first identify and then achieve his professional dreams. With my interest in the subject already stoked, I started noticing all kinds of news stories where men gave credit to their wives for their success and economic research proving that wives can have a tremendously positive impact on their husbands’ careers. It occurred to me that a lot of women could use this information.

POINT HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

How do you help strategize with your husband about furthering his career without it coming across as nagging or controlling?

In a very real way, this is a heart question. When I first started I was pushing Brian in various directions, as opposed to helping him find what he wanted, and I was doing so out of a place of fear. I was so worried that we would never be financially secure and that I wasn’t going to be able to cut back working once we had children, I spoke and responded to him in terribly negative ways. For example, I compared him negatively to other men hoping it would motivate him, but really it just demoralized him. And this is what I think men quite correctly perceive as nagging or controlling—when we are pushing from a place a fear (which, for the Christian, shows a great lack of faith in God’s promise to care for us as well).

To change this, I had to change my heart. It had to be about Brian. It had to be about helping him fulfill his God-given potential to do well at work that would provide him satisfaction and make use of his talents. When my heart changed, my approach changed as well. I was no longer pushing, I was participating. We discussed what Brianwanted out of work, not what I wanted for him. And I began listening for ways I could use my own talents to help him achieve his goals rather than manipulating him to set the goals I wanted him to have. At that point helping Brian in his career became a fun, exciting, marriage-strengthening adventure for both of us, and he went from feeling like I was “nag” to feeling grateful for my help.

THE ‘MARRIED WOMAN’

What is the difference between being “a married woman” and being “a wife”? What makes a woman a wife? A man a husband? You say it is more than simply being married.

I actually can’t claim credit for that notion, though I love it. It comes from a Japanese proverb that states, “Not all married women are wives” to which I added, “Not all married men are husbands.” Living in the same house together, sharing a bed, creating children, these things alone do not make a woman a wife nor a man a husband. What does is serving one another’s needs and aspirations with love. By forming a single unit where each spouse is dependent on the other for different things, couples become more than just co-residents in their homes, they become the true partners God designed them to be.

One of the things that has bothered me about recent feminist writing is this notion that women should maintain total independence within their marriages, including financial independence. I think this is an incredibly un-biblical idea, not to mention a dangerous one. Sociological studies unequivocally show that maintaining this kind of autonomy after marriage leads to divorce. So part of what I wanted to do with my book was encourage interdependence by showing wives how they can use the abilities God has uniquely granted to women to serve their husbands in their work.

A BOOK FOR ANTI-FEMINISTS?

No doubt, your ideas are somewhat controversial to the point where some might wonder if you have written an anti-feminist book. How would you defend your position as being one that isn’t necessarily behind the times?

Well, whether Beside Every Successful Man is anti-feminist really depends on how you define feminism. If you think feminism allows for only one approach to marriage and motherhood—lifelong, fulltime work, then you probably would consider it anti-feminist. My goal wasn’t to denigrate the choices women make in regards to work, it was to offer them more choices. According to polling, fulltime work isn’t a choice for most women today, it’s a necessity. And, as I make clear in the book, I have no problem with either the working mom or the traditional ‘50s housewife. I wanted to show both of them how helping their husbands in his work will benefit him, yes, but it will also benefit them by giving them greater financial freedom and, thus, more options.

Plus, I think there’s something really wrongheaded about the notion that helping your husband means debasing yourself. This is particularly true for Christian women. I think blessing can flow from loving your husband in this way. If you look at the Proverbs 31 wife, her godly actions benefitted her husband’s business reputation—the other men in the business community had greater respect for him because of her. That was always my greatest ideal for this book.

WHY INVEST IN HIS CAREER?

What about this notion that a man should put down his career for his wife’s ambitions – is that a good idea? Why should a wife only invest in HIS career? Shouldn’t he help his wife to succeed, too?

I don’t say anywhere that a man can’t also invest in his wife’s career. In fact, my husband gave me more help while writing this book than I can tell you. However, because of women’s greater desire to give up work (whether that means totally, only for a few years, or just going part time) when their children are born, the focus of my book was on the wife’s investment. Nearly 80 percent of fathers say full-time work is ideal for them. Only 20 percent of mothers do, so that was really my guiding fact.

That said, I would suggest that a man who’s considering letting his work fall by the wayside to support his wife’s career do so very carefully. Obviously, there are couples who make that work and make it work well. But statistically, women tend to be unhappy with this arrangement.

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