Next, evaluate where the relationship is currently.
Ask your mate on a scale from zero to ten, overall, where would you
rate the marriage today? In most cases, a man will rate the marriage
two to three points higher than his wife will, so if a difference
occurs between you and your spouse, don't let this discourage you. Be
sure to give each other the necessary time to share why you rated the
marriage the way you did. Each opinion can provide such valuable
information.
The next question is the crucial one.
In fact, in some ways it doesn't matter how the other questions were
answered. Potentially, this question can flip open the pages to each
other's built-in relational manuals. The question that can improve or
even save a relationship or marriage is: As you consider our
relationship, what are some specific things we can do over the next
week that would move us closer to a ten?
As this
question is being answered, listen for the exact things your spouse is
communicating to you. The power of this question is that the focus of
the relationship is changed. Instead of feeling overwhelmed because the
focus is on the problems, listing the ways to improve the relationship
turns the attention towards solutions. Being in the middle of a marital
conflict can feel like you're stuck in quicksand. The more you dwell on
the problem and who's to blame, the faster and deeper one sinks.
However, solutions are like a rope tied to a tree. They provide the
means to change, therefore freeing the relationship from sinking
hopelessly in the quicksand.
As your mate begins to
answer these questions, remember that she may be reluctant at first.
Your partner may fear that your feelings will be hurt — or even worse,
that you'll hurt his or her feelings by a defensive response. It's
crucial to patiently give each other the time to talk. Consistently
reassure each other about the security of your relationship — no matter
what is said or how things are rated. If you both feel secure in your
love, almost without exception you'll be able to provide many helpful
specifics which can strengthen the marriage and family God has given
you.
I am convinced that answering this type of
question on a weekly basis could reduce long standing marital problems.
Imagine how low the divorce rate would fall if conflicts, hurt feelings
and anger were resolved within a week. The key is remembering that love
is a decision and not merely a feeling. Many times we do not feel like
loving our mate. We can, however, make the decision to love them by
doing the things that strengthen the relationship. Questions like the
one mentioned here can help as you make the decision to love your mate.
I recently read a poem that emphasizes the importance of making a daily
decision to love the people in your life.
The world
we know can construed for hours
On a fantasy love
filled with moonlight and flowers,
But real love
isn't like that — it has highs and lows,
And we must
keep out direction, however it flows.
I
made the decision right from the start
That I'd
always love you with all of my heart;
So if my pulse
stops racing as you enter the room,
If my sunshiny
days turn to gloom,
If words said in anger cut deep
to the core,
I won't love you less — just perhaps,
forgive more.
Greg Smalley, Psy.D. is director of
Marriage Ministries for the Center for Relationship Enrichment on the
campus of John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. Greg is
the author or co-author of eight books concerning marriages and
families. Visit Greg at www.liferelationships.com.
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