You're probably thinking how can one question save a marriage or relationship? It's difficult to believe that something so important could be so simple. You may be feeling angry, confused, hurt or perhaps even alone; but yes, this question can improve or even save your relationship. The power of this question is best illustrated by something that happened on my honeymoon.
My wife, Erin and I had the opportunity to honeymoon in Hawaii. During the months leading up to our trip, I'd been dreaming about swimming under the cascading water of a towering waterfall. Just as I had imagined, we found the perfect spot; however, a NO SWIMMING sign was posted about fifty yards from the falls. Overwhelmed with excitement, I reasoned that we wouldn't be breaking the law since we'd be swimming by the waterfall and not by the sign. Erin, however, did not fall for my warped logic and refused to break the law. The discussion quickly deteriorated to the point where I blurted out that the honeymoon was ruined.
As a result of my insensitive remark, we didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon. Later that night, however, we decided to visit a local theater. As we were sitting in the dark, I felt that it would be a good time to make up. Gently, I put my arm around Erin and began touching her shoulder. Feeling more confident, I leaned in for a kiss but noticed the woman next to Erin glaring at me. Horrified, I realized that I was not touching my wife — but instead, rubbing the shoulder of a total stranger. Later that evening, after both women forgave me, we were able to resolve our conflict by asking each other a very important question.
As problems develop in relationships, couples might spend money on counseling, marriage conferences, books and videos. These are important tools for gaining insight, yet most men and women don't realize that they have the world's greatest relational instructors living right under their own roofs. I believe that each person has a natural insight into what they need to build a strong relationship. It's like we're born with built-in marriage manuals. On our honeymoon, Erin and I each knew what we wanted at the waterfall. I wanted to feel like my dream was important, and Erin needed to feel like I valued and respected her decision. However, if we hadn't asked what each other needed to move back into harmony, we might have remained in conflict.
If asked, most couples could create a list of the things that they need from the other to have a good relationship. For example, a wife might say that respect, honor, quality time, playing with the kids, sharing housework, and going to church are her needs from her husband. The key is that each person has different needs and desires which help make a strong relationship. Therefore, a husband and wife are a gold mine of relational skills. All they have to do is learn to tap into their built-in marriage manuals.
Before we get to the one question that can improve or even save a relationship, two preliminary questions need to be answered. First, determine the type of relationship your mate wants to have. By using a scale from zero to ten, with zero being terrible and ten being a great marriage, a powerful question to ask is where would you like the relationship to be? By asking this type of question, you can clearly see the kind of relationship your mate longs to have. Naturally, almost every person answers that they would like to have a nine or a ten. After all, how many of us want to live in misery?
Greg Smalley, Psy.D. is director of Marriage Ministries for the Center for Relationship Enrichment on the campus of John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. Greg is the author or co-author of eight books concerning marriages and families. Visit Greg at www.liferelationships.com.
FREE
Newsletter
Sign up for Growthtrac's monthly e-mail
newsletter. You'll receive updates, resources,
and special offers.
Growthtrac Channels
Addiction • Internet Addiction •
Addiction Treatment • Counseling
• Drugs • Pornography •
Emotional Affair • Communication
Skills
Advice
• Love Advice • Relationship
Advice • Marriage Advice •
Guidance • Help • Articles
for Christian Marriage • Affairs
• Cheater • Marital Advice
• Marriage Help • Unfaithfulness
Community
Events • Forums • Blog •
Relationships • Couples Retreat
• Networking • Group •
Support Group
