Mistakes that Can Sink Your Marriage
By Jim Burns
Let's face it. There are no perfect marriages and certainly no perfect spouses. Every marriage goes through problems and challenges. I've often claimed that Cathy and I have a "high maintenance" marriage. For the record, I believe we have a great marriage and I'm so thankful for it! But, what I'm saying is that our marriage, like many, takes ongoing work to keep it in good order. Many marriages today suffer shipwreck simply because not enough effort is put into staying on course or making course corrections along the way. Too often, some common mistakes are made and then repeated over and over and over until one or both spouses feel that they don't have any hope of rescuing their marriage.
In a broadcast for
HomeWord with Jim Burns, I had the opportunity to interview Dr. David Hawkins, a noted relationship expert and author about his book, 9 Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make. In the interview, Dr. Hawkins speaks about these most critical mistakes couples make. I want to pass them along to you with some thoughts on how to avoid making them. If you haven't made these mistakes, they'll serve as obstacles to steer clear from, and if you've already made some (or all) of the mistakes, I hope you'll be encouraged to learn from your mistakes, and make changes, in order to keep your marriage from sinking.
Mistake #1: Pushing the Plunger. Do you remember the old movies where explosives were placed and then long wires are run to a big black box? Then, to detonate the explosion, some person would pull up a long "T" handle from the black box and then push it back down…and kaboom! That handle is the plunger! In marriage, when we are not wise to keep watch over ourselves, in our attitudes, actions, and in our communication with our spouses, we set off explosions, so to speak, in our marriages. When harsh words, opinions and judgments are carelessly, and often angrily thrown about, they cause devastation to our relationships. Dr. Hawkins says that we dare not think that if we "explode" on our spouse once a week, or even once a month, that this doesn't take a toll on our marriage. So, stop pushing the plunger. Develop the skills of self-discipline, of knowing when to take a time-out, and of recognizing when you are feeling defensive, to keep yourself from exploding on your spouse.
Mistake #2: "Whistling Dixie." Dr. Hawkins describes this as "Making a molehill out of a mountain." Avoid denying or minimizing big problems in your marriage relationship. Too often, spouses feel that something is wrong, but try not to upset the applecart. They fear making circumstances worse when their spouse is facing a huge issue. This is classic co-dependent behavior. So instead of "whistling dixie," take a time-out, seek good healthy advice, and professional counseling when necessary to help you discern whether this indeed is a molehill or a mountain. If it's a mountain, you'll need the courage to take the next steps in order to deal with the issue, lovingly confronting your spouse, rather than sweeping it under the carpet. Confrontation isn't fun, but remember, sometimes before freedom comes pain.
Mistake #3: Speaking Greek. We're talking about the lack of clear communication here. Dr. Hawkins believes many wives speak vaguely to their husbands when sharing their feelings and opinions about their needs, wants and problems. Clear, concise and consistent communication is what is needed, as men can easily become frustrated and even angry when they don't understand what their wives are attempting to say.
Mistake #4: Playing God in the Marriage. Some husbands and wives result to shame-based communication with their spouse, using a parental-style tone, one that is critical and belittling. It's okay to be angry with your spouse, but how your respond in your anger makes all the difference in the world to the marriage relationship. Shame-based communication generally triggers instant defensiveness on the part of the receiving spouse, which usually results in either an angry and escalating retorts, or withdrawal from communication. So do your marriage a favor and avoid lecturing language such as, "I can't believe you…," "You always…," "You never…," "How come you…"
Mistake #5: Kicking a Dead Horse. All marriages have good experiences and bad experiences, if married for any length of time. Everyone has wounds. But too frequently spouses keep dredging up offenses from the past, sometimes from years before. This is what Dr. Hawkins refers to as "kicking a dead horse." To avoid this mistake, learn to deal honestly and responsibly with relational wounds in your marriage. Deal with them. Remember, there is no perfect marriage. Extend forgiveness and move on and leave the past in the past. If you've suffered the trauma of abuse or infidelity, at the hands of your spouse, be aware that healing takes time. Guard against bitterness. Get professional help. You can still move forward. But more often than not healing is a process, not an instantaneous fix.
Copyright © by HomeWord. Used with permission
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