Personalities Are Powerful
You've heard people say, "He has a powerful personality." They typically mean that the person is charismatic or maybe even overbearing. Truth be told, everyone's personality is powerful. Why? Because your temperament is an internal force that literally produces urges and drives. It's not an exaggeration to say it produces needs. Like a hungry appetite, your personality's needs must be satisfied.
Your personality drives you. For example, if you are inclined to be energized when you are around other people, if you like to talk and be active with others, you have a powerful force within you that finds ways to get this need met. You may be the last one to leave a party, for example. If someone asked you to explain it, you'd casually say, "I just enjoy being around people." It's such an ingrained and powerful part of you that you barely give it a thought.
Now, if you're rather private in nature and feel more content not being around a lot of people, you'll have an equal internal force that urges you to be less social. You'll look for opportunities to retreat from interactions, even feeling like you need to "recover" from too much social stimulation. Both inclinations are normal. One is not better than the other. But both are powerful. They represent a highly desirable need in the core of the person. And because the need is so deep, because it is literally tied into the individual's DNA, it can create discontentment, even anger, if it is not fulfilled. Make no mistake; the drives that stem from our personalities can be exceedingly powerful.
Personalities Have Strong Points and Weak Points
For you to be at your best, you need to have your personality needs satisfied. For example, your personality may crave a detailed plan with time to think things through —whether it be for a major project at work or an evening out on the town. A thoughtful plan makes you a happy camper. After all, this desire to be attentive and prepared has served you well. Other people have praised you for this ability. But if something or someone (including your spouse) stands in your way of having the time to craft a detailed plan for something you care about, you'll inevitably feel off-kilter. You'll worry. As your anxiety increases, you'll get irritable. Even worse, you'll become overly passive, clamming up when asked for your input.
Or perhaps your personality craves quick results. You're decisive. At work you make decisions quickly, with confidence. You trust your instincts and you shoot from the hip. You certainly don't waste time on small talk. The moment someone starts dragging you down by asking too many questions, or if a system impedes your progress with too much red tape, you're bound to get more forceful. Maybe even boisterous and demanding.
You get the point. When it comes to personalities, your greatest strengths can become your greatest weaknesses. Think of it this way. Your personality represents what is important and highly desirable for you —deep down in your core. Meeting this desire is what your personality is consumed with. You are programmed for getting this need met. And when you don't get this need met, your worst side comes out.
That's why you'll hear married couples say sarcastic things like, "Don't you think you might be overreacting here, just a tad?" Or, "Are you losing your mind?" Or maybe, "Oh, that's good. Blow a gasket because I didn't pick up the dry cleaning." These kinds of caustic comments are lethal to love, but it doesn't stop most of us from using them. After all, we can't understand how our normally contented spouse could suddenly "lose it."
Personalities Can Be Improved
All of us can learn to improve our personalities. It basically comes down to developing our natural strengths and controlling our natural weaknesses. Blaming your personality for your attitudes or actions is not an acceptable excuse. You are in the driver's seat of your disposition.
You and Your Love Style
By now, you understand that your marriage is the combination of two unique, powerful, and God-given personalities. Each personality brings a combination of strengths and weaknesses to the relationship. The mixture of these two sets of traits and temperaments creates a style of loving that is distinct and exclusive to your marriage. And when you unlock the mysteries of how your two personalities combine —how your two clusters of traits and temperaments mix —you discover your combined "Love Style."
You love the way you do because of your genetic disposition. But you give and get the love you want when you use your disposition to maximize your Love Style.
You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.
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