Comedian Bill Cosby said, "For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked." He's got a point. Once the masks are fully removed and a couple settles into married life with their differing personalities, it can seem quite miraculous that the relationship endures year after year.
What may be even more phenomenal is that a marriage cannot only survive, but it can actually thrive in the face of two differing and headstrong personalities that face off day after day. How can this be? Let's take a moment to consider a few important facts about personality that can help us shed some light.
Personalities Can Be Seen
Of course, we can't x-ray a personality, but we can observe it. How? We can see it because our personality is evident in our behaviors. We can deduce something, for example, about a person's temperament when we notice that she does very careful research before buying a camera. And we can deduce something about personality when we see him purchase a high-priced gadget on impulse. Our behaviors reveal our personalities. And as Yogi Berra so famously said, "You can observe a lot just by watching." Especially when that "watching" is done around the clock in a marriage.
Our spouse becomes witness to our traits day in and day out. It's almost as if we are on surveillance without ever intending it. The mere time that marriage consumes cannot help but make us keen observers of each others' traits as they become visible in our reactions, our expressions, and our behaviors.
You probably don't need much convincing: Personality can be seen.
Personalities Are God-Given
You can't choose your personality like you choose your wardrobe. Relatively speaking, you have just one personality for life. It is something you are born with. Sure, you can modify portions of your personality. Your response to your environment can cultivate or stifle aspects of it. But by and large, your personality represents your natural traits or tendencies.
Ask any mother who has raised at least two children, and chances are she will tell you that they were different from the beginning. For example, one child may have been very friendly and smiled at everyone; whereas the other was always frightened when strangers were present. Each was born that way.
The point is that your personality is in your genes. It is inborn. It is God-given. It is hardwired. You inherited a distinctive set of traits that is fundamental to your nature.Surely you've heard your spouse say something like, "That's just not you." If you're on the more introverted side, you might hear that statement after your boss asks you to greet everyone as they enter a social gathering. Your personality just isn't cut out for that. Do you do what your boss asks? You do if you want to keep your job. But it feels awkward. The point is that you can behave in a way that does not represent your personality, but it will not be your natural response. And it will always be temporary.Any number of situations may require that you behave in a way that is not natural for you to act, but when the need has passed, you will once again act in a way that represents your true temperament. That's because your personality is innate, crafted individually by God.
Personalities Are Predictable
"I knew you were going to say that." How many times have you and your spouse uttered these words to one another? If you're like most couples married for even a short while, you've come to expect certain reactions and behaviors from your spouse. Why? Because personalities are fundamentally predictable. Thank God!
Can you imagine trying to be married if you never knew what to expect from your spouse? A marriage couldn't survive if behavior was not basically predictable. Imagine if one day your spouse was extremely laid-back and easy going and then the next day was extremely intense and regimented? You'd be living in chaos. Without relative consistency from your spouse, marriage would be an unbearable roller coaster ride.
Now, we've all had married moments when we say something like, "I never would have guessed you would want to do that!" Even with a relatively consistent set of traits, our personalities make room for a smidge of the unpredictable. And that's not bad. Changing things up on occasion can get us out of boring ruts. But for the most part, you can take comfort in knowing that your spouse's personality (as well as your own) will remain pretty predictable.
Continued...
Excerpt from
L.O.V.E. Putting Your Love Styles to Work For You, by Les & Leslie Parrott
Copyright © 2010 by Les & Leslie Parrott, published by Zondervan. Used with permission.
|
Author
| • |
Read more articles by Les & Leslie Parrott |
| • |
Also see Growthtrac's Contributing
Authors |
| • |
We want to know what you think
about Les & Leslie Parrott's article, "Why You Love the Way You Do." Please email
your feedback to us. |
|
