I meet just as many non-intercultural couples who face disillusionment and frustration as I do intercultural couples. I know just as many same-culture couples who have divorced as I do intercultural couples — in fact, probably more. Part of the difference may be that intercultural couples usually expect to have cultural and communication issues as part of the fabric of their marriages, so they prepare to deal with those issues from the beginning and commit themselves more deeply to the relationship. Same-culture couples often don't expect to have issues related to communication, intimacy, money, child rearing, and more, so they may not be prepared to deal with conflicts on these issues.
Consider Your Marriage Your Homeland
Many intercultural spouses, especially those who have left their home, family, and friends to move to a foreign culture, begin to consider their marriage their new "homeland"— a haven of love, safety, and security.
One author notes that intercultural couples' commitment to their marriages is often strengthened by pride. She writes, "Many of these marriages have taken place against the advice of family or friends. . . . [The spouses] need to prove to everyone (sometimes themselves included) that they made the right decision. They don't want to admit that they might have made a mistake — that everyone else might have been right and face the spoken or implied 'I told you so's' back home. So when faced with the prospect of marital breakdown, they have another try at working it out."
Intercultural couples tend to form a unique bond — a special identity together that is quite different from the identity of each individual. This bond also provides couples with an impetus to stay together. Dugan Romano writes, "There might also be a reluctance to give up the new identity, the uniqueness the couple acquired through the marriage. It's hard to go back to being just like everyone else, especially for those who need to be different, who perhaps were escaping from something they didn't like in their own culture by marrying out of it. Often the same motives that led them into the marriage in the first place keep them working at it when the relationship goes sour."
Keep a Positive Attitude
The most crucial factor for success is keeping a positive attitude about your spouse and your marriage. At times, doing so will require deep dependence on the Lord through prayer. Part of honoring your spouse is treating that person with love and respect even when you don't feel like it.
The most successful couples I interviewed were optimistic people who had a positive outlook on life and felt confident about the way they were living their lives. They felt that their marriages were special, and they worked hard to keep their relationships happy and healthy. They prayed together and were committed to having homes that were founded on the principles of God's Word. They were quick to name all of the benefits they had gained from their marriages, and they were committed to giving back to others. They were flexible and tolerant with their spouses and gave them room to grow and change.
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