Culinary Insights

So if all of these integration styles are generally not helpful, what style should be used? I recommend a Crockpot cooking style. Stepfamilies choosing this style understand that time and low heat make for an effective combination. Ingredients are thrown together in the same pot, but each is left intact, giving affirmation to its unique origin and characteristics. Slowly and with much intention, the low-level heat brings the ingredients into contact with one another. As the juices begin to flow together, imperfections are purified, and the beneficial, desirable qualities of each ingredient are added to the taste. The result is a dish of delectable flavor made up of different ingredients that give of themselves to produce a wondrous creation.

The key to Crockpot stepfamilies is time and low heat. I've already stressed the importance of being patient with the integration process and not trying to force love, care, or togetherness. Often, in an attempt to quickly combine various ingredients such as people, rituals, and backgrounds, stepfamilies use the food processor, microwave, pressure cooker, and blender integration styles. Such an effort almost always backfires, bringing a backlash of anger and resentment.

Stepfamilies need time to adjust to new living conditions, new parenting styles, rules, and responsibilities. They need time to experience one another and develop trust, commitment, and a shared history. They need time to find a sense of belonging and an identity as a family unit. None of these things can be rushed. Adults who are trying to prove to their parents, friends, church, minister, or themselves that their remarriage decision was right for everyone, push their family to "blend" quickly. But they are often greatly disappointed and feel like failures. A slow-cooking mentality invites you to relax in the moment and enjoy the small steps your stepfamily is making toward integration, rather than pressuring family members to move ahead.

Cooking with low heat refers to your gradual, intentional efforts to bring the parts together. It is working smarter, not harder. Let's contrast some Crockpot approaches to the examples of what not to do.

As a crockpot stepfather, you don’t worry excessively about why you’re not immediately bonding with your teenage stepdaughter. Slow-cooking stepparents understand the cardinal rule of relationship development with stepchildren: Let the stepchild set the pace for the relationship. If the child is receiving of you, then openly return the child's affections. If she remains distant or standoffish, find ways of managing rules and getting through life. But don't insist a child automatically accept your authority or physical affection.

The food processor adults have a similar struggle. They want the children to refer to their new stepparent with a term of endearment. When this doesn’t happen naturally, the food processor parents demand they do so. But a crockpot adult would understand that a stepparent can be "daddy" to his youngest stepchild, "James" to his next oldest, and "Mr. James" to the teenager. Crockpot stepfamilies recognize the emotional and psychological attachment children have to biological parents and don't force them to change those attachments.

And Paul, the pressure cooker stepfather who finally turns to the crockpot method, would encourage his stepfamily to develop an entirely new Christmas tradition. He and his wife, for example, might have a series of family meetings with the children to discuss their preferences and wants. It may be that they decide on an entirely new tradition to honor each family's history by alternating how gifts are opened, or they may decide to let each parent and their children keep their own tradition.

A Watched Pot Never Boils

This last idea refers to mini-family activities. Early in a stepfamily's integration process it can be helpful to maintain separate family traditions and rituals by giving parents permission to spend time with their children without the step relations present. Stepparents need to give their new spouse and stepchildren time to be alone, without intrusion. The biological parent can play games with her children, while the stepparent enjoys a personal hobby or goes shopping with his children. Such a mini-family activity helps children get uninterrupted time with their biological parent and siblings, honoring their need for attention from the ones they love most. It also affirms to children that they have not completely lost access to their parent.

Troy and Meredith called me with a typical integration struggle--what to do with free time on Saturday afternoons. Prior to the remarriage, Troy and his children--Josh, eleven, and Emily, nine, enjoyed spending their Saturdays together. Whether miniature golfing, playing softball with friends, or riding bikes in the park, their priority was doing something together. Meredith and her sons--Terry, thirteen, and Joe, eight, had a different preference for free time. They valued independent time away from each other so each could pursue his or her particular interests. Meredith considered it her "down time" to relax and read a good book, Terry enjoyed playing with friends, while Joe mastered his latest computer game.

At the time they called, Troy and Meredith had tried everything they could to create a "blended family." They challenged one another and the kids to take turns spending their Saturdays doing activities together or apart. One week they would all go miniature golfing only to discover that Meredith's kids complained they were missing out on their fun. Joe would then pester Emily when he got bored, quickly turning the outings into arguments. First the kids would whine and complain, and then Troy would suggest to Meredith that she needed to better control her son. She would feel attacked and defensive about her parenting and resent Troy's "controlling" behavior.

The next week they would try to let everyone experience the joys of "doing your own thing." But inevitably one of Troy's children would try to join Meredith's children in some activity, resulting in arguments and slamming doors.

"We've tried everything," they insisted.

"No," I responded, "you've just tried many cooking styles, hoping to create a biological family that does everything together. What you need to do is back off, and honor one another's past by spending time with your kids doing what you like most."

"You mean he should go golfing with his kids while the boys and I do separate things? That wouldn't be a family afternoon at all," Meredith challenged.

My response was sobering. "Yes it would. It would be a stepfamily afternoon." I went on to explain that pressuring the various ingredients to blend was blowing the lid off the pot. Troy and Meredith needed to accept their family as different so they could discover a creative solution. Mini-family activities might not feel like a good solution because they were trying to steer their family as they would a biological family. Accepting their stepfamily as one in the integration process would help them to see that for now, this was the best solution. After cooking a little longer--giving the family time to come together--another solution might become more appropriate.

Unrealistic expectations often set couples up to overcook their stepfamily. Trying to force, pressure, or quickly cook the ingredients of your home will likely result in a spoiled dish. But stepping down your expectations and giving your stepfamily time to cook slowly will make integration more likely in the long run.

              

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