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Help! I'm Living with an Alien!
By Dr. David Clarke
Why doesn't passion between a man and a woman last? Why, in 100 percent of all marriages, does passion disappear just a handful of years after the wedding? What kills that glorious, heart-pumping, electric, sexually charged feeling of love and desire? I have the answer. And it's not pretty. After two decades of intense marital research, I have discovered the shocking truth about passion. To cushion the emotional blow you're about to receive, I urge you to sit down, take a deep breath, and hug your favorite stuffed animal to your chest. Ready?
Here are my findings. Something completely unexpected and terrible happens two to fourteen years into a marriage. The person you fell passionately in love with is replaced by an alien. I'm not kidding. The alien looks exactly like the wonderful person you married, but its behavior is bizarre, unbelievably annoying, and obviously designed to drive you insane. I'm telling you, it's aliens. Here are some alien transformation stories. Draw your own conclusions.
Communication
When the man was dating you, ladies, he could communicate. He actually talked to you and shared personal things. Now, his communication skills have vanished. He has very little to say to you. Everything in his life is a secret. It's as if he's joined the CIA and all of his information-thoughts, feelings, opinions-is on a "need to know" basis. And, apparently, he believes you don't need to know much at all.
Almost every day you ask him, "What happened today?" He almost always responds with the one word that drivesyou crazy: "Nothing." You'd like to reply, "Nothing? Really? Were you drugged when you got to work and tossed into a storeroom for the entire day?"
Woman: "How was your day?"
Man: "I don't know."
Woman: "What did you think of the movie?"
Man: "I don't know."Woman: "
When do you want to discuss finances?"
Man: "I don't know."Woman: "
How do you feel about what I just said about our marriage?"
Man: "I don't know."
Memory
He has the memory of an amoeba. He forgets nearly everything,except all the vital statistics of his favorite sports teams.
He can't remember the items you asked him to get at the store. He can't remember the chore he agreed to do. He can't remember the party on Friday, the one you've been telling him about for a month. He can't remember so many things you know you've told him-to his face. When you remind him of something he's forgotten, he replies with the same two, lame lines: "I forgot," and, "You never told me that!" In the areas of his personal life, your relationship, and communications between the two of you, he can recall only the last half hour of his life. And, that's on a good day. So, when he says, "I don't know," there's a pretty good chance he's telling the truth. She has the memory of an elephant.
She hardly ever forgets anything. She has an uncanny ability to recreate scenes and conversations that occurred decades ago. "Bob, a discussion about my mother took place in our kitchen twelve years ago. It was a Wednesday evening, seven o'clock. I was sitting at the table, and you were slouching against the counter. I was wearing a blue top and white slacks. You had on a chili stained T-shirt and those old, ratty, red gym shorts. I began the discussion by saying I didn't appreciate your comment about Mother's cooking.
Copyright © 2009 by Dr. David Clarke, Used with Permission, Published by Revell. Adapted from
Kiss Me Like You Mean It
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