A Conversation with Gary Chapman

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 Yes. “Explosion” we’re all very familiar with because we have been the recipients of it. You know someone explodes with words or they explode with behavior in anger. Or we have sometimes done that ourselves, most of us, but imploding we’re not as familiar with. That’s holding the anger inside — it’s the Christian thing to do. They’ve seen other people explode or maybe they’ve exploded in the past and they say, That’s not right. I know God doesn’t want me to do that. So what they do is they hold their anger inside.

Well, that violates the Bible. Scriptures say in Ephesians 4:26, “Get rid of anger. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” That means you’re supposed to get rid of anger rather quickly.

  Is there such thing as good anger, productive anger?

I think we have to take responsibility for our anger rather than holding it inside. We have to do what Jesus taught and that is lovingly confront the person who has wronged us. When you hold it inside, it turns to bitterness, which is always sin in the Bible. And it turns to hatred, which is the attitude of: I wish I could pay them back. You know I wish something bad would happen to them. Well, that’s sin. The Bible says hatred is sin.

We can’t allow ourselves to hold anger inside. What happens is we implode when we do that. It’s like a building falling in on itself. Physically, emotionally, spirituality we fall in on ourselves. This often leads to depression in a person’s life.

Could you explain what you mean by “an anger agreement” in marriage?

Couples can say to each other, I know, I know from time to time we're going to hurt each other. I hope most of the time it'll be unintentional. Why don’t we have a plan that when we do get angry, we will both be open to listen to the other person. Let’s work out a plan.

In the back of the book, I actually have a little card that you can tear off and put on the refrigerator. The idea is that you go get the card when you’re angry and you stand in front of your spouse and read it. The card says, “I’m feeling angry right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk?” [laughs] It brings a little humor into the tension and it also says what you’re not going to do.

So you have a plan. You say to each other, I’ll be the listener. If you’re angry with me, I’ll be the listener and I’ll try to hear you out. And if we both have that little agreement, then chances are we’re more likely to follow the plan if we have a plan. Most couples don’t have a plan. They just do what comes natural for them.

Couples have told me, "Oh, we’ve never argued. We’ve never had a disagreement." And I'll say, "Well, you need to do that — You need to have an argument!" Would you agree with that? Is conflict a good thing?

Well, I think conflict is inevitable. People who say they haven’t had conflicts either haven’t been married very long or they’re not being honest. The reality is: No two people are alike. We have different thoughts. We have different feelings and that’s what a conflict is. We disagree on something and we both feel strongly about it.

Now, if you don’t feel strongly about it, it’s not a conflict. It’s just a difference of opinion. You know she likes yellow and he likes blue. That’s not a conflict. That’s just a difference of opinion. Unless you’re talking about what color to paint the bathroom and you both feel strongly about it. [laughs] But if you have the emotion, you feel strongly about it, it’s a conflict.

That’s where I think we have to agree: Let’s listen. Let’s talk and let’s listen. You share your side and then later I can share my side. And maybe after we share our opinions we will still realize we do disagree. Now how are we going to handle it? And you give each other the freedom to feel differently and think differently and you spend your energy looking for a solution rather than trying to argue each other into agreement.

I think argument in a marriage leads downward. We end up saying things we regret and typically we don’t win the argument. We just walk away in a draw and we resent each other.

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